


Young and Free

by myshatae



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dorms, F/M, Gen, M/M, OT7, University Student Jeon Jungkook, University Student Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, University Student Kim Namjoon | RM, University Student Kim Seokjin | Jin, University Student Kim Taehyung | V, University Student Min Yoongi | Suga, University Student Park Jimin (BTS)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 60,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myshatae/pseuds/myshatae
Summary: It starts when a shy boy with a short height moves into a dorm occupied with six others. One story dissolves into another, creating seven of their own.This is a story about the complications of youth and dealing with them. You can also find it on my wattpad profile, myshatae.TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicidal thoughts, sexual exploitation, and abuse may be indicated, none of them are romanticized.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

JIMIN did not know what he was doing.

His clammy hands first hovered around the white door then to the button beside it but he could not decide if he should knock or press and it had already been a few minutes from what he could recall.

His duffel bag and luggage were standing by his side in neglect. It was his first time in Seoul, first time being miles away from home, actually first time away from home.

And he was already asking himself if this was all a mistake.

Because the fine dust in the air, the traffic on the road and the scorching sun on his back as he struggled to move his baggage up the steep road all the way to the bulletproof boy scout housing for students made him regret his choices.

Even the name of the dorm left a bad taste on his mouth, reminded him of his rover scout days when he was a kid and he would never, ever want to go back there.

The white door abruptly opened up to Jimin's face while his small hand was still hung up in the air midway to reveal a boy with a taller height, a good few inches taller clad in a dark hoodie and black fringes covering his forehead staring down on Jimin with dead eyes.

"Please come in," the tall lad said without any further questions. And Jimin felt his throat going dry, sweat already forming into pearl like beads under his bangs.

"Park Jimin, right? First year in sociology?" The tall boy said with a charming smile moving away from the front door. "The landlord told us you were moving in today. I am Jin. Kim Seokjin."

Jimin did not get a chance to introduce himself even though he had already replayed it a few times in his mind, albeit it all went down the drain Jimin was kind of glad the boy had done the deed on his behalf.

The bags were heavy and Jimin struggled again to get inside. And then he was met with the taller one- Jin's broad shoulders as he followed him inside.

"Please keep your shoes here in the locker," Seokjin instructed Jimin as the shorter one almost stumbled to get out of his blue, worn out converses but he did so anyway.

And only then does Jimin realize there was a security cam attached to the side of the front door. His heart sank a little when he understood the reason behind Jin opening the door even without him making any sound.

Jin was probably watching him fidget around behind the door in the footage. Jimin's ears turned hot, first day and he had already made a fool out of himself which he promised he would never do.

So he tried to make up for it, even though it was hard. "T-this must be the shared space?" it was hard for him to speak to someone he did not know properly.

"Yes, it is. There's the kitchen," Jin pointed to the space to the further back with only a table separating it from the living room. "There's a stove, an oven and a refrigerator but you have to be considerate as we all use them. And you have to be very clean around here."

Even though the small smile never left Jin's face it made Jimin nervous. He could tell the taller one in the dark hoodie and trousers was already smarter and maturer than him, probably older too.

"You can use the living room to your wish. Watch TV or play video games but as I have said before, keep it clean," Jimin nodded as Jin gestured him to follow. The shorter one's eyes trailed behind the living room decorated with a TV, couches and a tea table. Everything was spotless, he could hardly believe seven bachelors lived here.

"If I haven't said it already I am the oldest here. I'm getting my masters degree in tourism. I've also lived here the longest, for three years. Namjoon too. He's an English major in his fourth year."

Jimin tried to note down everything in his mind but it felt like he was getting slapped with too much information at once, his heavy bags were not helping either. There was one on his back too which was just as weighty containing his laptop and some of his notebooks.

"You'll be rooming with Yoongi, who is not here right now. He has early morning classes. He's getting his masters in Sound Engineering, that's-" Jin opened up a door after halting before it. When he turned a switch up it illuminated into a small dwelling with two beds, one in the far corner beside the only window in the room and the other was a bunker bed at another side. There's two tables, but no chairs. Jimin noted to himself that he needed to buy one.

"This is your room," Jin turned to him and Jimin nodded again. "In the room next to yours lives Hoseok and Taehyung. Hoseok is a journalism major and- oh, he's here. That's Taehyung."

Jimin's head snapped to the other side while his hand still holding onto his luggage. And the person he saw to his left was one of the most 'Seoul-looking' boy he had ever imagined.

His hair was dyed blue, not pale or midnight blue but a blue that stood out and separated him from everyone else. And he was wearing a brown leather jacket that looked like it was the most expensive thing on earth.

The boy named Taehyung was giving him just as alien look, and Jimin cowered under his strong gaze.

But the crease in Taehyung's eyebrows vanished as soon as it came in. "Hello!" he waved a hand before Jimin. "I'm a fashion designing major. I assume you are younger than me? You are new right?"

Jimin held his breath in for a second before he let it out. "I am actually a 95 liner. I took some time off."

"Ohhh!" A soft sound of exclamation came from his other side, Jin. Jimin prepared himself to get bombarded with curious questions but surprisingly they never came.

But Taehyung's eyes were as big as a pair of soccer balls. "You're telling me we are the same age?" the blue haired boys face lit up, the corner of his mouth tugging into a rectangular shaped smile. "That's cool! You look so short none of your year mates would notice you were older."

Jimin almost smiled but it faltered before it could even measure up to his face. "Jin hyung, have you seen my leather boots? I can't find them," Taehyung completely ignored the hunched up Jimin as his eyes hovered up to Jin.

"It's the first day and you are already bullying the new kid," the said boy only sighed before continuing. "Jungkook probably took it."

And with that the blue haired boy was gone while uttering curse words under his breath. Jimin noted to himself that he should definitely stay away from this exquisite looking seoulite.

Hours later when it's already evening and Jimin had cozied up to his bed, the one closer to the window, he found himself scrolling through his phone mindlessly without any aim.

He had already memorized the names. His roommate Yoongi, Hoseok and Taehyung on this side of the housing while on the other side lived Jungkook, Namjoon and Jin, all three of them with their own rooms. There were two toilets on both ends. Meaning he'd have to share with three other boys from his side.

He still had not seen his roommate but since he had heard Yoongi was way older than him anyway, he knew he had to be careful and respectful and it already shook up his heart.

But what made him more disappointed was that everyone was taller than Jimin, at least the ones he had seen.

He had met Namjoon, the brunet senior with dimples on his cheeks. He was nice. Jungkook, the basketball major and the youngest, but already taller than him. Nice, but mischievous with his toothy smile.

Jimin let himself fall on the bed, his glasses covering his eyes. He did not have a bad eye sight, however, whenever he had a migraine like the one he was having now the zero powered glasses would find its way back on his small face.

His phone was still in his hand, the contact number that said 'mom' lighting up the screen as he pondered if he should call her or not but then let it slip. Let the phone slip from his fingers to his chest.

The two years he spent doing nothing, absolutely nothing saying he needed a break. He could not really find a clear reasoning behind it but he knew it was partly because of his mom.

Not partly, but perhaps, mainly. After her divorce with his dad Jimin realized his mom was slowly going insane. Crying all day, even in her sleep and refusing to get some help but spending all her money and sorrow in alcohol. Jimin cursed his dad for leaving them for another young woman with a seven year old kid Jimin had only seen once before. But Jimin knew he could not leave his mom like that.

Now he was a long way away from Busan. He had left anyway.

And his mom had found someone too. The next door uncle whose wife died years before Jimin was born.

He was happy for his mom. But Busan did not feel like home after that. Did he even have a home anymore?

Jimin listened to the soft drizzle outside behind the window next to him. April showers, it was pouring.

His glasses were getting foggy too, his vision a blur.

Perhaps he actually needed that break.


	2. Chapter 2

When the sky had stopped crying and the darkness of the night had faded away, instead a blue light mirroring the early morning sky was seeping through the spaces of the curtain near the window of Jimin's bed, he slowly started to open his eyes.

He was ready to see the little blue alarm clock and the photo frame with a baby picture of him grinning brightly holding both of his parents hands on his bedside table, however, he was met with nothing there.

Then he plopped his body upward. Prepared to see the glowing stickers of the little stars, the sun and the moon, his own little galaxy on the white ceiling but nothing save for an empty ceiling itself. Strange.

The blurry lines shooting inside Jimin's brain quickly morphed into one. Only then he realized, he wasn't at home.

He was, in fact, far from home.

Jimin had decided to close his eyes again but a movement in the corner made him immediately sit up. It was a person with dark hair and in a black long coat hurriedly stuffing something inside a college bag but doing it ever so quietly at the same time.

It must be the sound engineering major, his roommate. But no matter what Jimin could not recall seeing him come inside the room last night. So Jimin must've really slept like a log to not notice.

He brushed his clammy hands on his striped pajamas and hesitantly got up. His heartbeat accelerating just in the thought of greeting the dark figure that hadn't even noticed him. And Jimin cussed at himself inside for being so shaken up on the thought of doing the mere thing.

Grow up Jimin. You'll meet a lot of new people everyday from now on.

"Um..." Jimin pondered on his words while he approached the figure who was done packing his bag. If not introducing himself now and making things less awkward, then when.

The figure had seemed to notice him. And Jimin noticed how the senior had such pale skin that it almost glowed in the dark room, and how he had feline eyes, a small nose and a sharp chin.

But the most important thing was, he was not as tall as the other boys Jimin had seen here. Perhaps he was even the same height as Jimin. And that small detail somehow made him feel at ease.

It was all for a very brief second, perhaps a milli, or a nanoscond even, before the senior had opened the door and rashly left the room with his bag.

Jimin stood there in awe as he had lost the chance to introduce himself for the second time since he had gotten here yesterday.

And it was only five thirty in the morning.

Jimin's schedule- his early class was at ten. But he had taken it slow, rather going back to sleep he decided to slowly arrange himself for his first time experiencing the Yonsei university.

Albeit when he was making instant coffee for himself and had opened a pack of crackers for breakfast (since he did not have anything else now anyway) the event that happened in the morning would not leave his mind.

And every time he tried to picture himself actually gathering the courage to say, "Hello! I'm Park Jimin. Nice to meet you senior," or something along the line like that instead of gawking at the senior like a fool.

A lot of things would have been different in his life (including what happened in the morning) if Jimin knew how to take proper actions in the proper times.

But Jimin had decided not to dwell in his past actions like he had all his life. And he tried to remember that and shrug it off, focus on the list he was making instead, the list of the basic commodities he would need here.

A lot of his stuff would arrive from Busan tomorrow and he needed to wait for that too. He also needed to spend the least he could here.

Though he was more than grateful for the spending money his mom's husband would send him here every month, the thought of it happening made him feel small.

Nonetheless he had to stay small. He needed to focus on studying like his promise to his sobered up mom. Two years was a lot of time, those two years he wasted was gone from his life and now he needed to make his rest of the life better.

"Good morning!" A cheery sound had snapped Jimin from his thoughts to find Kim Seokjin with a mug of coffee in his hand smiling at him.

"Morning," even though Jimin wanted to sound just as enthusiastic, his voice did not say so.

The taller lad was observing what Jimin was doing, the list on his hand, the empty packets of instant coffee and crackers on the table beside him. Jin's eyes narrowed on that, a distasteful look spreading on his face.

"Please clean up as soon as you are done eating." Jin pointed at the kitchen table with his expressing eyes. "The surface of the table is white. Left over food and even the smallest things can taint it."

"Oh!" Jimin bit on his lip and quickly scurried towards the bin to throw them away. Before he could utter a word of apology he noticed the latter was standing dangerously close to him, observing what the shorter one was doing.

"You need to take the trash out every Monday. There are seven of us assigned to every day of the week. If you don't do it the day you are supposed to, or forget to do so you'll have to take it out the next day."

Jimin could not understand what was the point of cleaning out the trash every damn day but he nodded anyway.

"I realized I haven't told you all the rules here yet," Jin smiled gleefully again as he put down his mug on the table. Jimin's heart sank a little, even though he had been taking it slow he now realized time was short and he needed to actually get ready for his class.

But for God's sake Jimin did not know how to stop Jin, as the eldest was already haughty in his manners enough and Jimin wondered if he was the scariest in this dorm.

"No girls allowed, no smoking or weed allowed unless you can do it so in a way it wouldn't convenience others or no one would notice. Porn allowed, but only in your own private room. Alcohol allowed, but getting drunk is not. Now these are the rules of the landlord that lives above us."

Jimin looked above at the ceiling where Jin had pointed with his index finger. Jimin did not know someone really lived above them, not even the landlord.

"And now comes my rules. I made them when I came here so it's easy for the other mates to follow-"

"God! Yapping aloud first thing in the morning," A loud voice made Jimin look at the direction to where it came from to see a tall, lanky boy with curly brown hair wearing a faded ripped jeans and a white shirt, several bracelets on his hand and the purest smile on his face.

"Morning, Hoseok," Seokjin sighed next to him and the said boy, Hoseok's smile grew even bigger than before.

"Hello sunshines!" he uttered loudly and after that he quickly came and held Jimin's hands with his both. His grin brighter than Jimin's future, or so Jimin thought.

"I'm Jung Hoseok. You are Jimin, right! Welcome, Jimin!" vigorously Hoseok shook his hands. "First day at school for you! So excited! When are your classes? Do you want to go with hyung? I'm older than you right?"

Despite another loud sigh coming from Jin, Jimin could not but help feel like he was seeing the Jesus himself before him.

The curly haired boy was the sunshine himself, reeking pure energy and light that almost blinded Jimin.

Perhaps for that very reason it made Jimin's eyes glisten, or perhaps, it was because someone was actually being nice to him since he had first stepped inside Seoul.


	3. Chapter 3

"You can do this," Hoseok had his hands rested on Jimin's shoulder before he gripped on it tightly, the shorter one looking up at the curly haired with eyes of adoration and admiration.

"Go get them Jimin! First day of university!" Hoseok cheered and Jimin bobbed his up and down frantically. He did not know he would enjoy his time so much with Hoseok, even though it was short lived. Fifteen minutes of bus ride from their two storied dorm to the Yonsei university.

He really did not think he would, because, Hoseok felt like he was the exact opposite of Jimin. When Jimin felt like he was dying getting squished by the crowd and was regretting his choices again in the bus, Hoseok looked like he was living the moment.

His smile never faltered, happily he gave his seat to an older lady and held the bags for a poor man who was struggling with the extra weight on his both hands and back.

In the whole bus filled with at least thirty or more people, Hoseok shined the brightest.

Hence Jimin could not avert his gaze from Hoseok's back until he disappeared, not before a girl joined the said senior and some others too waved at him. Jimin saw it all standing behind.

Which made Jimin's admiration grow even bigger. In this big university not only did tons of people knew Hoseok, it seemed like he had friends, a girl friend even. Hoseok was the type of person Jimin had always wished he was.

Jimin thought, not only was he bad with people and situations, he was bad at many many things.

The example of Hoseok helping the woman and the other man in the bus, but if it was Jimin, even though he meant good intentions he wondered if he'd be able to volunteer to help. The thought of doing that would gnaw at the back of his mind until his stop would come and he would spend rest of his day in regret.

Jimin was determined to change himself slowly for the better now that he was finally a university student. One step at a time.

But as the curly haired senior was not by his side anymore, and he was completely alone standing in the campus his heartbeat had started to accelerate.

It finally came to him that he was all alone in this city. Entirely on himself for the first time in his life.

The tall brooding buildings of the university were looming over him menacingly and and at that moment, Jimin felt way smaller than he already was.

Moreover, he was not wearing his lucky underwear cause last night he had washed and hung it up on the dorm balcony.

And this morning Jungkook had wore it and left thinking it was his own.

Sighing exasperatedly Jimin only hoped to himself that he would enjoy his first class. But because he had already missed the orientation and a week of the classes he could hardly convince himself.

Three hours later, Jimin's migraine was on its way to take over all his thoughts and his brain.

The full two and a half hours lecture of Emile Durkheim, Auguste Comte, Max Weber and Karl Marx had taken him out. So he just sat there rethinking his choices while all his other classmates talked to themselves or left.

Truly Jimin did not have much clue about his major, Sociology. All he wanted was to leave home and he took the opportunity without thinking about it.

While surfing on the internet about his subject field it did not seem so bad, actually it intrigued him. But now he felt like his lungs were blocked and he felt suffocated.

"You were born in ninety five, right?" A sudden female voice from the side made him turn to find a feline looking girl with long and wavy hair staring at him as she was pulling up her hair in a ponytail.

After she was done tying up her raven hair, she looked a bit different. Jimin could see more of her eyeliner that was perfectly on flick on her both eyes.

"I'm the only other person here who was born in the same year," She explained, Jimin took it in but did not know what to say in response. On top of that he wondered why he did not spare a glance at the side before because he did not know someone was sitting there.

"Well, I saw that birth year on your kakao profile, if you may ask."

"You checked my kakao profile?" Jimin shot a question up and that was the first time he had spoken to her.

"Yeah?" A line appeared between her eyebrows. "Because you were added in the sociology batch fifty four group chat."

Seeing Jimin just stare in awe, her face fell a little. "Don't tell me you don't even check your kakao."

Jimin stayed in silence before opening his mouth to say something, but he was stopped by her.

"Do you know there's already been a group assignment?"

Now he had entered full panic mode, his brain cells starting to run around all over the short spaces in his brain. But the girl beside him sighed ever so calmly as she picked up the piece of paper Jimin had in front of him.

"You actually believed me." Her eyes raked the paper- Jimin's schedule up and down before she looked at him. "We are taking almost all the same courses this year."

Jimin gulped down the fear and anxiety rising from his stomach to his throat. He could not fathom if she was joking or not, because if there really was an assignment, on top of that, a group assignment, he was doomed. It was only his first day here.

"I got admitted late because my mum got knocked up, how about you?" She propped a hand on the desk and placed her chin on it. "Why are you giving me that look? Never heard of someone having a single mother?"

He was indeed swimming in disbelief, not because the very first girl he had met in university told him her mom got pregnant so she had to take time off, but because she said it to him. The person she did not even know.

What were the odds that he had found another person in his class having a similar situation to him.

"Oh, um. My mom got divorced and got remarried," Jimin did not why he was sharing that with her too.

He knew they both were on their twenties and it should be normalized whatever their parents did on their own according. But Jimin always thought it was a private matter to share, and he wanted to leave it as it was. Yet here he was.

A smile slowly crept up on the corners of her mouth. "I'm Im Sangah."

"Park Jimin," he nodded.

As if six new strangers had not become associated with him since he got here the previous day, another had joined. But at least, Jimin was taller than this one.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been more than a week, or almost two weeks, but Jimin couldn't care less since for almost every second of the days passing by he had been regretting not thinking much before leaping to the first chance he had gotten, which spiraled him into a cob of events and led him to here.

His early morning started with instant coffees and all throughout the day he would have a hard time digesting his food, which was not his mom's food, in fact, the taste very much differed from back in home.

He'd been having it hard sharing a room too with a senior that seldom spoke to him rest it was necessary, actually Jimin hardly even saw him. Yoongi would leave before Jimin would wake up and come back when it was dark in the night and Jimin was fast asleep on his window side bed.

But his roommate was not the only problem. The other boys from the bulletproof boy scout dorm were very much distanced themselves, wrapped inside their own bubbles.

But they also had another big bubble wrapping them up as the six. And Jimin could not get inside it. Often he would find them chattering by themselves, playing games, sharing food or completely involved in such an animated conversation that they would not even notice he was there.

Jimin thought if he was invisible. Sometimes he did think that back at home too but now it was poking him on the face.

He really sometimes wondered if no one saw him, not because he was small in height but because he was such an uninteresting being that he'd go unnoticed by anyone.

The thought churned inside his brain again as stood up after 'finishing' his lunch in the social science cafeteria and walked to the side where they sold packaged food. His tray had most of its food untouched as he could hardly get used to the food of Seoul, or the university canteen and considered eating bread instead.

But from the corner of his very eyes he saw the blue haired boy from his dorm with his other peers sitting in a table and rambling on about something, pushing him by the shoulder, making faces at her.

And all those boys and girls around him clad in extravagant clothes having the most eye catching hairstyles or makeup or both, laughed and cheered, something Jimin could never see himself be a part of.

He knew, he saw Taehyung's eyes swiftly trailing him before they averted back to the people he was with. Jimin kind of wished he would give a smile of acknowledgement at least.

Among all the others, Jimin felt him as the most intimidating and someone he would not get along with yet he longed for some kind of a small hi because they were born in the same year other than living in the same dorm.

Next in line was Jin who he thought would be wishy washy only to find him as this really bossy senior who cooked his own meal perfectly, did all his chores and expected from everyone else to be that perfect too.

But they were only bachelors living in a boys dorm of course. Jin was exceptional and no matter how Jimin tried that scrupulous boy would not stop nitpicking.

Namjoon was the dorm mate Jimin hardly ever saw but he was not that very charming as he had broken Jimin's glasses two days ago after he sat on it on the sofa carelessly. And now Jimin did not have an aid for his reoccurring migraine.

Jungkook was a boy of nefarious manner even being the youngest. Sometimes he acted so friendly and spoke with an informal tone as if Jimin was not older than him but he bit his tongue back.

Not to mention that Jungkook often stole his underwear and other attires then acted like it was a mistake, Jimin thought that too at first. But then the incidents happened so many times Jimin had to believe they were intentional.

The only one who Jimin really liked was Hoseok, the journalism major who worked for the university newspaper and magazines. He was the free spirited and kind godlike creature Jimin truly respected in the house.

"Can I have a milk bun please?" he pulled out his wallet from his back pocket while he shifted between his left leg to right. He wondered how many days he could pass eating so unhealthy like this.

Two slender fingers tentatively dug down into his wallet pulling out two ten dollar bills. Jimin watched it all with doe eyes before shifting them to the side to find the blue haired boy standing there alone, his rectangular shaped smile a bit apologetic.

"Sorry, I'm short on money to pay for the lunch. I'll pay you back soon, promise!" Taehyung waved the money in the air.

Jimin could only gasp a little before trying to say something, but, he was gone. Taehyung was gone just like that and Jimin now only had a few changes in his wallet.

"Keep the bun...," After getting back to reality Jimin could only say that to the register as he put his almost empty wallet back in his back pocket.

"Who was that?" He was then met with another familiar face, the feline looking girl from his major with her hair up in a ponytail. She bought a yogurt drink for herself as she peered at him. "Do you want me to buy that bread for you?"

"No. I lost my appetite," truth is I lost my money. But Sangah didn't need to know that.

Because Sangah and he were not that close to share financial problems, though they had their own fair share of spilling secrets.

But Sangah was different than Jimin. She already had a lot of friends here even though she was older than almost everyone in the class. Sangah was a social butterfly, Jimin was not. And Jimin did not want to bother her by making it clear that she was his only 'friend' here.

As if things were already not sour enough, it started pouring outside again. Probably for the third of fourth time for the week and the shorter lad did not have an umbrella. He was going to buy one today, but luck, money and Taehyung was not by his side.

He could only sigh before putting his bag over his head and running for it, running for the evening bus.

Albeit that did not help him, Jimin was soaked head from the toe when he reached the bus. When his soaked body jostled against the people that had the bus packed with, they whimpered, groaned and bellowed.

Some even cursed so loudly Jimin could hear. But there was nothing he could do but to flush red in shame as water droplets fell from his dark hair, his socks heavy filled with rain making him feel uncomfortable. He could only utter words of apology.

That was the hardest and most embarrassing bus ride in his life which also felt the longest.

He could not wait until it was over and when it was, the dark clouds had already nestled in. And the desolation of the night was hunched over his shoulders.

Water droplets fell again, not from his hair this time but from his eyes.

He missed home.

He wanted to go home.

But there was no home.

And Jimin did not even have a room to himself to cry alone when he'd reach the dirm, and he had been holding it so long that he hardly could anymore.

Nothing felt welcoming here in this foreign city, Seoul. Nothing settled his restless mind. He regretted coming here but he knew he'd be regretting too if he did not and stayed back in Busan. 

He thought he'd be okay here by himself, he thought he'd be stronger. But it'd only been a few days and he'd been feeling so suffocated each day that that at the moment he was sure that he was wrong.

Jimin was not okay. And Jimin definitely was not strong.

He had really come down to the end of his tether, yet the harshest thing was there was nowhere to go from here.

\---  
A/n: if you're having a hard time and feeling like there is nowhere to go please stay strong, a little. I know it is hard but I believe you can do this.

Breathe. You're not alone. I'm just a person behind your screen but I want you to know I'm here for you. And I believe in you.


	5. Chapter 5

Minutes later when Jimin found himself before the white frame of the door of his dorm that he shared with six others, his shoulders were hunched, his back slumped, not because of the heaviness of his wet attire or his soaked bag pack but because at that moment, he really wanted to vanish from the face of earth.

He fished out the keys from his pockets, his pant that was solely attached to his legs now being so darn wet made him uncomfortable.

With a long sigh and shivering hands he pried the door open and let himself in. Pulling out his soaked converses and socks to keep them aside the doorframe where he found six others, clean and dry. The warmth of the dorm washed him over but then, a voice hit his ear.

"My god, he's such an idiot. He just walks in with those wet shoes. Every damn day when it rains. And his socks, stinks? Why do I have to be the one to break it to him. I think I'm already the bad guy nagging on him every damn day. He just can't do one shit right."

Jimin's eyes darted towards his converses spilling water on the tiled floor, his eyes grew big when he thought they might be just talking about him.

"Ah yes," Another voice cackled. "And he makes such a big deal out of it when I wear his clothes out of mistake? I mean, it's just his cheap underwear most of the time that I'm wearing."

They were indeed talking about him.

"Stealing people's cloth is not good ggukie," Another sighed. "But really, I thought we could give him some time. But it's like, he's born antisocial, maybe? He hardly ever gets out of his room."

The husky voice reminded Jimin that it could be Namjoon. He took slow steps forward until he actually saw them on the table before the kitchen, food and cans of coke spilled all over. Jimin saw that it was Jin, Jungkook, Namjoon and Taehyung. And Yoongi, surprisingly him too.

Jin rolled his eyes to Namjoon not really seeing that the shorter boy was standing right there in the dark. "We should've chosen wisely for a housemate. It just feels awkward around him, like he has that aura. Maybe we should kick him-" Jin had his eyes rotating before they fell on Jimin. "Out," The older mouthed before a pale cloud took over his stubborn face.

By the time almost everyone had noticed Jimin, it grew quieter and quieter until Taehyung spoke. Who actually was sitting in the middle with his back facing Jimin from a few feet away.

"He's such a country pumpkin," Taehyung threw some nuts inside his mouth. "Look at his fashion, or the way he speaks. And I've always had a problem with short people, no offense to you, Yoongi hyung." Yoongi gave him a sharp look and Jin tried to make him stop with his pleading eyes, others faces were filled with horror.

Yet Taehyung kept talking, "and today I took twenty dollars from him. Twenty damn dollars and he gives me the look as if I'd stolen his kidney. I say we make him leave."

The next thing Jimin knew is that he had thrown his soaked bag pack where it hit Taehyung right in the head making the latter yelp in pain, only to turn around and face him. His expression morphing into horrified the next second.

Jimin's migraine was killing him. Every time it rained, or every time he thought about his life too much his headache would start to creep its way in. Which was happening everyday since he had gotten here.

But today, he felt like his head was a ticking time bomb. That his brain would explode in mere seconds and all these boys would just watch while the living room would get bloody with the pieces of his brain, his head. Blood splattered across these boys faces as they'd be sitting in that dinner table.

"Fuck you," Jimin cried, despite his head ticking. "Fuck all of you."

His vision had gotten blurry again and he could not see their faces anymore. The coldness was wrapping him around like a blanket yet he could feel the warm tears dropping down his cheeks. He hated this, really hated losing it in front of people, unknown people.

"Do you think it's not hard for me? Yes, I'm not rich and yes, I'm a country pumpkin," Jimin croaked out, trying hard not to choke on his words.

"Why do you think I come home wet every time it rains? I haven't been able to buy an umbrella cause I can't manage all these things! By myself! And today when I did, you fucktard took my money from me," Jimin pointed at Taehyung, even in his vague vision he could see the blue hair.

"None of you were welcoming. You assholes all only care about yourselves. And then you, tell me I'm the antisocial? Jin you make good food and I've seen you share them with others. But have you ever shared with me?

"Namjoon, don't even act like a goody two shoes. When in morning you'd always come to my side of the dorm and use our toilet because the one on your side would be occupied. Have I ever told you anything? I waited until you took hours to poop, you fuckard! Then you even broke my glasses. Did I tell you how much I needed those? For my migraine?

"Jungkook, you piece of shit, I'm older than you. I was born first. I ate way more bowls of rice than you, so show some fucking respect. Don't act like my classmate."

"But we are classmates cause we joined university at the same-" Jungkook was mumbling to himself but was shut off by a loud roar from Jimin.

"Just keep it to yourself and shove it up your ass!" Jimin shouted, a mixture of gasps came from the kitchen table. And then Jimin pointed to Yoongi.

"You. You dickwad, despite being my roommate can you remember the last time you talked to me? Said good morning even? I thought you were really like that but, oh! You do talk to others, you do sit in the damn table and eat with them often. What about me? What did I do wrong to have you giving me cold shoulder?"

Jimin huffed out, he could feel that the tears had stopped but he wondered why he could only still see the blurry silhouettes. Suddenly he had all the things to say and shout, as if not only his head but his whole body was the ticking bomb. And he would burst into bits any second.

"And Taehyung, Kim fucking Taehyung, don't even get me started on you," Jimin pointed at the blue haired but all of a sudden he started to see dark spots instead of the blurry faces.

"You..." he whispered, but the black spots grew bigger and started to completely engulf him, lure him in until he'd gave up.

Jimin fell onto the ground right there before everything went dark. Perhaps he had really exploded.


	6. Chapter 6

When Jimin came to, the first thing he noticed was that his head was not aching anymore, but it felt lighter when his eyelids felt heavier. Squinting his eyes open the first thing he was greeted with were three faces looking down on him, Namjoon, Taehyung and Jungkook.

The inside of Jimin's mouth felt bitter, his lips dry. Licking on his bottom lip he squinted again. "Oh, he woke up," Taehyung's voice floated in the air before it reached him.

The faces were gone now, Jimin looked up at the strange white ceiling. Then sat up on the bed, but it was not his bed, not the one from Busan or the one from the bulletproof boys dorm.

A bag of saline was attached to his arm, his bed and the coversheet pristine white, a blue veil surrounding him with the three others sitting on their respective chairs close to him.

"You fainted last night because of high fever so we took you to the hospital. The fever has subsided now," the brunette, Namjoon said with a voice that gave away he was tired.

"Oh," Jimin only said to himself. The needle stuck on his arm all of a sudden starting to feel very real, he could feel it just sitting there inside his vein after piercing his skin tissues and muscles.

He hated needles.

"You slept for almost twenty four hours. So you missed school today," Namjoon added and suddenly Jimin felt a bit alarmed. How was he supposed to tell his mom about this? Wait, did she even care anymore?

"And we all took care of your hospital bill together, since we felt like it was partly our faults. You don't need to worry about that," Namjoon sighed softly and it suddenly dawned on Jimin.

What he did last night, every piece of memory that were lost in the sea of his plastic dreams slowly started to come back one by one. Jimin looked down biting on his lower lip hard and started to hope it was all a fever dream.

"Boy, were you scary... hyung, I mean. I should call you that," he could feel a familiar voice say tentatively. Jungkook shifted on his seat. "Are you feeling better though?"

Again, Jimin was hating this. Among the many problems he had there was one in particular he absolutely despised, his explosive anger.

He had a tendency to keep things in, suffer in silence for days, weeks, months even until one day he'd burst and lash out to someone and when he couldn't find that someone he'd take vengeance on himself.

Jimin thought that it had stopped, he was past puberty now. He thought he had his anger in control but here he was.

Tears started to well up against the corner of his eyes again. This always came after. Rain after the lighting buzz and thunder storm, tears after the pent up anger and frustration.

"I'm not from Seoul by the way," Taehyung said all of a sudden and Jimin looked up at him with eyes filled with despair.

"I feel like I should say this, that I'm a country pumpkin just like you. I was born and raised in a village in Daegu," Taehyung huffed out, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I should call the nurse. We should go home Jimin," Namjoon stood up taking his overcoat on his hands that was sitting on his lap.

Home? Jimin wondered if he meant the dorm. Did Namjoon meant that the only three of them should leave but not Jimin?

Because Jimin clearly did not belong there after what he had heard from them, and after what he had done last night. In the midst of those thoughts surging through his brain he could hear Jungkook speak up. "Is it a female or a male nurse?"

Why that mattered Jimin did not know, but when the needle was taken out of his skin and he tried hard not to scream, when the boys helped him stand up he realized he was going to the dorm with them too.

Now a different kind of thought was making Jimin feel uneasy and in pain, how he should confront the rest of the boys when he would get there.

All the way back home in the taxi he could only ask himself that while he sat sandwiched between Jungkook and Taehyung who were excitedly talking about a new video game, as if it was all normal. As if this was normal after what happened last night.

Then he wondered where he would go if they kicked him out. He looked up this dorm online back in Busan and this was the only place that he thought was affordable, and not so far from his university.

He would like to leave too to save them and himself from the awkwardness but where was there to go from here?

Jimin felt like the white door of the dorm was actually a prison gate, and the three boys around him were officers taking him down there. Jimin felt his breathing going haphazard, as if the air kept getting stuck in his throat.

He stepped inside after Namjoon opened the door, everything seemed, normal. Surprisingly. Jin was wiping down the kitchen table with a rag. He looked up to see them and immediately looked down. "You're here," that's the only thing he said. Who did he speak too, Jimin could only think.

There was nothing for Jimin to say, as if his hands were cuffed he just stood there in the living room straight. Taehyung and Jungkook made their way to the kitchen table while Namjoon placed a hand on Jimin's back, making the shorter stiffen up like a board before letting lose feeling Namjoon patting him softly.

As if Namjoon was assuring him it was okay. The clicking sound of the white door opened again, and entered two more. Jimin saw that it was Yoongi and Hoseok coming inside of the dorm and both their hands filled with bags.

"Jimin!" Hoseok shouted as soon as he saw the younger boy, slipping out of his sneakers the taller practically ran to him. "Are you alright?" Hoseok's concerned eyes raked Jimin's face for something, what? Jimin only nodded and the latter gave a bright smile showing the huge bag on his hand. "I brought beers!"

"And I brought a cake...," Yoongi finally caught up to them slowly, his eyes on the floor and his head hung low. "But its date is expired for a day. The store manager gave it to me."

"I'm sure it still is tasty!" Hoseok cheered for him while a sound of the microwave made Jin ran to it in the kitchen.

Even from there he complained while taking something out of the microwave. "I can't believe you two brought beers and an expired cake for a sick person," When Jin turned he had a blank expression on, a bawl filled with liquid in his hand. "He should eat porridge, not those."

"I...," Jimin shifted from his right foot to left and suddenly he realized all eyes were on him. Almost choking up on his breathe, he tried to calm himself down. "I want to drink beer and eat that cake. A-and the porridge too."

"He's probably hungry," Namjoon softly said from his side.

"Alright! Set the table! I can't believe this," Hoseok put down the bag on the tiled floor and rolled up both of his sleeves before placing them on the sides of his waist. "I can't believe yall. Last night those all happened only because I was not here."

A loud sound of groan came from both Jungkook and Taehyung.

Soon chairs were gathered, beer bottles were opened and the cake laid half eaten on the middle, a big plate of tteokbokki (after Namjoon ordered it) laid almost empty too.

"If you did not like my nagging, you should've said so, y-you should've," Jin slammed a hand over his mouth letting out a small burp before he continued whining again.

"Damn, you should've said so. And who knew you wanted to eat the dishes I made?" he held out his hands to Jimin who sat on the opposite direction. "I wanted to share but you never spared a glance while I was cooking in the kitchen."

It was because Jimin always acted like he was not interested even though Jin's food smelled great, looked even better. Jimin did not want Jin to think he was miserable.

"Just tell us all your problems dude, just like you did last night!" Jin complained again but this time looking a bit furious.

"Yeah, tell us," Jungkook's face was as red as a tomato after being so drunk. All of their faces flushing red, some almost falling asleep yet chugging down the alcohol. Only Jimin and Yoongi looked sober, still. Jimin had a higher alcohol tolerance when Yoongi looked like he barely even touched his first bottle.

"Who knew you did not like me-" Jungkook pointed to Jimin, his finger swaying to the sides. "Being comfortable with you. I thought you would like that cause you'd be taking classes with students my age. J-just tell us things beforehand," he stuttered out before placing his finger on his forehead and grabbing the side of his head the next second.

Jimin was starting to feel a bit lighter now, he took a long swig until he had finished his fourth can. Taehyung whistled with his flushed face. "Look at him go! You keep exceeding my expectations since last night!"

The shorter placed the emptied can on the table with a loud clank. The kitchen table was surely not meant for seven as the chairs barely fit, squished in all together. It was a chaos before them and Jimin wondered even in his dizzy state of mind how angry would Jin get at this mess after he'd sober up.

"I want respect in the house. I want you to call me hyung cause I am older in age," Jimin then turned to Jin who had his eyes closed off and looked like he was asleep with his shoulders slumped. "And I want you to cut me some slack. It's my first time outside my home and I know I'm not good at things. I just... I just need some time."

"Okay, done," Jin said with his eyes still shut. "Done!" Jungkook shouted the next second.

Jimin wondered how he was speaking his mind so fluently, now that he was not angry anymore too. Even though he had thought about telling them this for a long time, his tongue would twist while standing before them.

But now he was doing it, saying it finally even though the scenario was different from what Jimin had imagined. "And I want Namjoon hyung to take less time in the toilet if he's using the one in ours side."

He was drunk, Jimin realized he was finally drunk. No other way the words would fly out so swiftly from his mouth, but he was liking this. Finally voicing out thr thoughts that were killing him. So Jimin could not help but giggle a bit too loudly.

Namjoon's loud groan made him stop. "But I'm constipated. A-and I'm-" he slurred off, pausing for a second. "And I'm sorry for calling you antisocial last night. But lot of times before when we sat like this or had dinner together I knocked on your door. But you always had yourself locked and never opened up... So we stopped doing so. We just did not want to bother you."

"Right, right," Jungkook mumbled with his head swinging around up and down.

Did they? Did they really knock? Jimin could not tell because when he was in his room he always had his earphone on with music. That's what he thought would be best for his loneliness, who knew there was another way open for him too. They had it opened for him but he was ignoring it without realizing.

"And I want you to talk to me sometimes since you're my roommate," Jimin pushed away the thoughts in his head and turned to Yoongi who had his eyes down, his fingers scratching on the surface of the bottle before him.

Yoongi looked up at him, his serene eyes boring onto Jimin's. "I thought you wanted to be alone. One time I came back early and saw that you were crying in the dark. You tried to hide."

Yoongi looked down again on his finger that was scratching on the surface. "I thought it would be awkward for you. So I spent time with the rest in the living room or in the kitchen."

So he did see that. Sometimes Jimin did cry to himself alone in that dark room that felt unfamiliar to him.

And Yoongi just did not want to bother him.

A trembling and long sigh escaped Jimin's chest before he focused on the blue hair beside Yoongi that was gulping down a bottle.

"Taehyung," he said in which the said boy put the bottle down and pointed to himself with wide eyes.

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Stop acting like a prick," Jimin let out a sigh again, but this time it was shorter and less ragged. "We are the same age yet you act like you don't even know me outside of here. Stop being so stuck up. And stop putting loud music early in the morning. I get you like pop, I like it too. But I have a migraine and I hate getting headaches early in the morning."

"B-but that was not me!" Taehyung scrunched up his small face. "Hoseok hyung exercises in the morning with that music."

The mentioned boy put his hand up and slowly raised his head with a bright and creepy grin on his face. All this time Hoseok had his head down on the surface of the wooden table.

"Sorry, whackass! First tell me, do you have a sister around your age?" Hoseok asked Jimin who had his eyes wide now.

"There he goes. His personality doing a 180 again after getting drunk," Jin groaned to himself.

"No?" Hoseok told to the wide eyed Jimin. "Well, fuck! Not even a relative around that age? An aunt or something?"

Jimin shook his head and the next thing Hoseok did was bellow as if his precious one had just died and grab his own curly hair in frustration. "I'm dying alone! I'll never get a girlfriend!" his face twisted and turned.

"I thought you had one... I saw at the uni-"

"Serim? That's just my friend!" Hoseok shut off the mumbling Jimin. The latter letting out a hiccup in surprise, the only senior he had looked up to seemed totally different.

"I never dated too. So-" Jimin trailed off, hoping that it assure the once-kind-now-drunk senior.

"Well, the rest had! And here I am unable to like a person for long!" Hoseok bellowed again. Jimin was surprised and looked around to see that everyone else had nonchalant faces in the table.

"Well, I dated a good few times," Taehyung murmured to himself.

"I don't know, but I think I'm dating right now?" Jungkook answer-asked with hooded eyes, the rest on the table giving him a look.

"That's unbelievable with your condition," Taehyung frowned to himself.

Jin had his finger pointed to Jungkook for no reason but then it turned to Yoongi. "Wait, you dated too?"

Yoongi exhaled, taking a sip of his drink this time around. "When I was a teen yeah. It was pretty serious and lasted for a few months."

"Wow," Jin had a knowing look on his face, his finger shaking up and down in the air. "I thought you were asexual. Like an amoeba."

"See? Everyone has dated," Hoseok pulled onto his own hair again. "Now let's play a game," immediately he let his hands fall on the table with a loud thud and looked up again with that creepy grin on his face.

Jimin furrowed his brows, everyone was so peculiar here. No one was normal, but that made him feel normal. They were all peculiar just like him.

"Who in this table does not have a big secret?" Hoseok looked around to catch all of their eyes until his landed on Jimin, those eyes shimmered in an unspoken joy. "At least I can win in this. I have a big ass secret."

Jimin stayed quiet, he had a secret. His mom, his broken family and a broken home, the reason why he took a two year gap, he had not told those to these boys. What was surprising though, that everyone else in the table were quiet as well.

Suddenly it felt like they had all sobered up, all of them sat silent without dozing off or complaining by themselves or groaning. Even though their faces were still flushed they sat quietly.

Jimin looked around to meet their faces. What was this? All of them?

"All of you have secrets?" Hoseok cried out, soon after letting his face fall on the table again. "I hate this. I'm leaving this place."

"I think he talked about leaving the dorm at least a hundred times now," Taehyung broke the thick atmosphere and everyone went back to their drunk ranting or falling asleep with their mouths open.

The chairs in the table could barely fit, Jimin shifted in discomfort. He had thought about this before too but this time, the thought that his chair did not belong here did not cross his mind.

Maybe, this could be a home for him, right here.


	7. Chapter 7

TAEHYUNG was used to being alone.

Not alone in the sense of actually being alone, but feeling alone despite being in the midst of people. A feeling of loneliness that would never leave him and always rest on the back of his mind.

To him, it felt better being actually alone then feeling alone when there were supposedly people 'close' to him surrounding his space.

Like now while he was standing behind the cash register of the convenience store as evening approached with its blue cloak. He had gotten this job three days ago and he noticed there would never be any customers around this time.

That's why, this had become his favourite time of the day.

A few minutes later his shift would be over and he would leave closing the door until the other part timer would come according to their time.

Till then Taehyung would enjoy the falling evening by standing there in silence while his red headphones would hang loosely around his neck blaring some music he'd have on shuffle.

He liked the feeling of having the headphone playing music on his neck sometimes, rather then placing it on his head. The music would distantly reach out to his ear as if it was coming from another place, a faraway place from this.

Kind of like the reminiscent of the old radio his grandma would play at the house while he would play on the lawn outside by himself. Sometimes he would put his ear carefully on a window and listen to the old pop music standing there, rather than going inside.

He always knew he was a bit peculiar. But that was okay.

As he slipped away from his green vest and took a step outside the register he heard the bell of the store chime. Two people entered disrupting his last few seconds of lone enjoyment.

However, the two shorter ( than him) boys were very familiar.

"Yoongi hyung?" Taehyung stood in awe, the music had stopped and the red headphone laid on the back of his neck without serving its purpose.

Yoongi too stood silently but only for a second before he slowly strutted toward the register, getting behind it and pulling out another green vest from his bag. "I work here."

He was the other part timer Taehyung was unaware of.

"Oh, I had gotten the job here a few days ago," he answered but only then he remembered the other lad standing there, the one he had completely brushed off when in their drunken states a few nights ago that very lad made it clear he wanted some form of acknowledgement being born in the same year.

Taehyung was just about to do that but when he turned around Jimin wasn't there.

Another clicking sound made him follow to see that the said boy was opening the refrigerator of the store. Taking out two ice cream cones he came and placed them on the cashiers table.

"Wait," Taehyung pulled out his wallet from his back pocket. "Let me pay for those." Taehyung wanted to make up for ignoring him unknowingly, even if it was a small approach.

"It's okay," Jimin already had his money placed on the counter.

Yoongi was the one who took the money now being the store worker. Taehyung watched from the corner of his eyes that Jimin gave one of the cones to Yoongi who looked a bit surprised, even though Taehyung couldn't clearly see his face with Yoongi's side facing him, he knew.

The bell chimed again when Taehyung left the store putting on his brown leather jacket, the chill evening air making him shudder a bit. He was about to put his music on and actually wear the headphone this time for his few minutes walk back home but then he heard a small voice.

The owner of the small voice, who was small too compared to Taehyung came from the back and held out the cone of ice cream to him. "This one's for you."

Now it was Taehyung's turn to feel astonished, only a little, albeit he took it from Jimin's little hands. "Thanks. Aren't you going to have any?"

"I think you forgot I had a high fever a few days ago," Jimin had a knowing look on his face and Taehyung almost made another shrewish comment that a little ice cream would hurt nobody, but he stopped himself.

"Wanna walk home together?" he asked instead.

Jimin nodded and with that Taehyung lead the way as he started pulling the wrapper of the ice cream. "Why did you come outside if you would buy nothing?"

From the corner of his eyes again he saw the smaller shrug. "I was bored at home so I thought of going for a walk. And I wanted to see where Yoongi hyung worked too."

"He does a few part time jobs though-" suddenly Taehyung halted in his track making the other stop too. Hastily he pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, his other hand holding the ice cream.

"I owe you twenty dollars," he said but the problem was with his other hand occupied he did not know how to take out the money, so he held it toward Jimin.

"Take those two ten dollar notes out," he shoved it to the shorter in which Jimin only gave him a wide eyed look. "Just like that day."

Jimin hesitated, his eyes darting back and forth from Taehyung's face to his wallet. "Come on!" the blue haired grumbled growing impatient.

Finally Jimin did it, carefully he put his fingers inside the wallet and took out the money but Jimin looked so ashamed and guilty doing so that Taehyung almost felt bad.

"You said we were born in the same year. You're not disrespecting me as I was the one to tell you to do that," Taehyung huffed out, tired of looking down on him all the time. He put back his wallet and focused on the ice cream instead. "Now we are even."

Jimin still did not look much convinced, with a hand on the back of his head he kept scratching there looking ahead on the road. "If you don't mind me asking one question, why did you need that twenty dollars the other day? The cafeteria food is really cheap."

Taehyung licked on the ice cream that was on the verge of melting from the top. With the taste of vanilla on his tongue he looked up at the dark sky to remember the events from that day.

"Oh, my friends wanted me to pay the bill for the lunch. Why are you giving me that look-"

When Taehyung had his eyes down from the sky to Jimin's face there was a clear look of disappointment marred on his face. Taehyung did not know why it broke something inside of him, only a little bit.

"They are not bad friends. They are not 'bullying' me or something," Taehyung emphasised on the word bullying, his tone mocking. "I often eat with their money too. It's kind of like a routine for us, at certain days a certain friend would pay for everyone's meal. It was my turn that day."

Jimin nodded to himself, not looking convinced again. At least he was staring ahead and not giving Taehyung that look.

What Taehyung said was true, but it only broke him because Jimin's face reminded him that he did not belong there with his group of friends, not that it was Jimin's intention.

"So why the part time job?" Jimin asked again, kind of aimlessly as if he was just trying to make a conversation. But they had already reached the dorm.

"You said it was only one question," Taehyung eyed him with a wary look and Jimin looked away muttering a sorry, though he did not need to.

That was the problem with Jimin. He did not only look small, he felt small, as if he was inferior than everyone. It was not what Taehyung was thinking but it was the vibe Jimin radiated from the very first day since the blue haired had seen him.

And it made Taehyung feel really small too. Because deep inside it evoked a thought, even if Jimin was anything like him.

The nagging thought that being peculiar was not okay. Being Taehyung was not okay.

He needed that certain group of people, 'friends' around him even though he felt like he didn't belong there. Because Jimin would invoke the thought too that Taehyung was not okay feeling alone any less than being alone. Taehyung did not even know why.

\---  
A/n: if you haven't realized from the description OR this chapter already but there will be 7 sets of stories.


	8. Chapter 8

There was a glass, half of it filled with water, of course for someone to drink but Taehyung had it held before his right eye, his left one closed as he looked through the glass and watched the cafeteria looking opaque, everyone and everything stretched out in his vision, faces of anyone barely recognizable.

"Are you doing weird shit again?" Taehyung muscles quickly tensed up as he found his male classmate sitting in front, laughing at him.

Taehyung put down the glass and gave the male his renowned blank face. "Yeah, like your mom giving birth to you." That comeback was weak, but the others surrounding him laughed anyway including the boy he said that to.

"I can't believe you made such a lame joke," the girl in red beside him pushed him a bit on the shoulder as she cackled by herself.

Other times, Taehyung might have laughed too but today he did not feel like it. Did not feel like doing anything, putting up with this pretense that this was his group of best friends, this was where he found home to. He just couldn't today.

His mind felt like it was a blank state only to be filled with countless of thoughts, memories, feelings that erupted from nowhere and made him sleepless.

Why? He had had this phase during his adolescent years. His edgy teen days where he as reluctant to mix with anyone because he did not fit in.

Now he had friends, he tried hard to shove away his complex yet simple and sometimes 'abnormal' as what others deemed of, behavior and thoughts out of the way.

Except he was still the same. He still did not fit in, not how he'd like to anyway.

From his peripheral vision he saw Jimin at the other table and he wondered if this veil of negativity swirling around him was because of the latter. Taehyung should've felt a bit furious, or agitated but he didn't, so he just stirred his food around with his metal chopsticks until he abruptly stood up with his tray.

He then left the table, his mates hollering from the back but he just did not feel like answering today too even though he knew he would be bombarded with many many questions the very next day.

Jimin looked up at him with his spoon inside his mouth as Taehyung pulled out the chair next to him and sat there. "So-" Taehyung started, Jimin pulled out the spoon and looked up at him with expectant eyes.

"How's things going with your roommate Yoongi hyung? I always thought if he had a bit of mood, you know, that cranky behavior. Though I've never seen him act out."

Before Taehyung knew words were flying out of his mouth, he asked himself if he was just in the mood to talk today. But before he was quiet, he actually wanted it to be quiet too. Maybe staying silent for so long had caused this volcano explosion.

Jimin swallowed his food and raked Taehyung's face as if he was looking for something. "Well," the shorter looked away and slightly tilted his head to the other side. "We haven't really talked that much. He's really busy so I don't see him often too. But overall, he feels like a nice person to me."

Taehyung nodded to himself for a short second. It was his first time striking up a conversation with this boy in the university, scratch that, first time Taehyung actually decided to talk to him willingly.

"Hoseok hyung is really busy too. I hardly see him but sometimes-" Taehyung spoke and he could feel Jimin gulping down his each words, why, why this meaningless conversation.

"Does bizarre things. He often talks in his sleep too and sometimes acts scary when he's actually awake. When I first got here in the dorm, I could hardly sleep at night because of him mumbling stuff. But if you know him he's a very cheerful person," Taehyung completed and turned to Jimin.

What was with this jibber jabber? He wondered again if this was his brains way to cope with his current restless mind.

"Yoongi hyung and you seem like you get along well. Maybe because of your height, you both have the same short height-" Taehyung watched Jimins face fall so he abruptly halted.

He had seen that look before when Jimin first came to the dorm too, maybe Jimin did not like that.

Just like Taehyung did not like people pointing out that he was sometimes strange, peculiar than the rest.

That he was fourth dimensional, an alien born in the human society.

Taehyung realized that he was grabbing on his chopsticks hard. He cleared his throat, "anyway, do you have an umbrella now because it looks like it will rain today-"

"Just who are you calling a shorty?" A girl with her tray sat beside the other vacant chair next to Jimin.

Her feline eyes bored onto Taehyung, soon a crease appeared on the middle of her eyebrows. "You're that guy who stole money from him the other day!"

It was Taehyung's turn to furrow, he peered to look at the girl with long wavy hair. "I borrowed."

"You stole!" She protested with her eyes wide and jaw opened.

Taehyung averted at the boy who almost had sunk in his seat in the middle. Jimin taking in the blue haired expression turned to face the violent girl. "Yeah, he borrowed. Taehyung is from my dorm. He's a fashion designing major."

The girl's judging eyes looked up and down at Taehyung before she faced away. "She's Sangah, my friend from my major." Jimin told him as if it was his responsibility to carry out the formal introduction.

Taehyung's eyes glanced up at Jimin and the girl called Sangah back and forth. Why in the world did he think it was baffling for Jimin to have a friend here in the university? In his mind Taehyung had pictured him as a lone sheep, not a lone wolf. Jimin did not feel like a wolf.

"And yes I bought an umbrella after you gave me the money back the other day," Jimin said as if he suddenly remembered the earlier conversation and proceeded on his soup.

It struck Taehyung right then and there.

Because he had thought Jimin was a misfit too, like Taehyung. That Jimin was a lone sheep too, like Taehyung.

Maybe that's why the thoughts about himself would occur when he felt Jimin nearing him. Because watching Jimin made him feel like he watching his own self that he wanted to bury deep somewhere in his heart, he knew, Jimin and him were so different yet similar in one unique way.

"Hey, guys," from a bit afar he saw Jungkook approaching them with a toothy grin on his face.

He had never seen Jungkook in this one cafeteria and he thought if it was because him suggesting the younger that food here was better than the other cafeterias.

From Taehyung's side Jimin's hand quickly rose up to acknowledge Jungkook but fell the next second and Taehyung noticed that Jungkook had just pivoted on his feet and left right away.

"Well... he's a bit shy of girls," Taehyung looked to his side and his eyes fell on Jimin first, then the girl next to him.

"What a pity," Sangah sighed and stared at the entrance where only a figmant of Jungkook's back could be seen until it disappeared. "He was really cute."

\---


	9. Chapter 9

The sky above was a dull gray in the afternoon, the clouds even darker and looming over the dorm in a dreading manner, the hollow wind around sighed and wallowed. Taehyung shuddered to himself with his hands covering his upper body as pitter patter rain continuously dripped from the eyes of the sky like bottled up tears.

There was a musty smell of the rain, every time the sky would cry it would erupt and with the weather telling everyone it was okay the smell would evaporate again, just like that.

Taehyung liked that damp smell. It reminded him of his village, his grandpa nonstop worrying for the tomato fields when it drizzled. But Taehyung would find his little palms against the cold glass of the windows, or sometimes his chin propped on a hand placed on the wooden frame as he'd admire the sound and the smell of the rain.

The sunny days were fine too. Sweat would prickle down his neck to his overalls, he would find his boots splashing against the clammy mud of the sunflower fields as he would run around with his eyes closed. He knew, even if he would fall the nature would catch him.

The city life was okay with him, but some days the melancholy of his sweet old childhood would twirl around his head and make his heart squeeze in pain.

"The song goes really good with the weather." He found Jimin next to him on the porch they were standing on, the boy mirroring the same posture as Taehyung as he watched it rain.

"Why do birds suddenly appear  
Every time you are near,  
Just like me, they long to be,  
Close to you,"

The faint sound of the old music danced around the howling air, sometimes getting pushed away by the breeze and sometimes again catching up with it.

No wonder Taehyung felt so nostalgic, he always loved to hear the songs his grandma would play in their radio. He'd love to touch the vinyls decorated in his grandpa's study.

"It's the landlord living in the second floor," Taehyung said in the lowest tone he could just so his voice wouldn’t sweep away the song too like the wind.

Silence between them befell again and he could somehow feel that the shorter was enjoying this with him, and it made a smile curve up on his face. "You notice the girl?" he nudged Jimin with his elbow.

When he turned to Jimin he had his eyes following the girl strolling by the entrance gate, a few feet away because of the lawn that was in the middle. Her short hair up to her neck, and her face faintly visible under her scarf. A yellow umbrella above her head.

Jimin had his eyes squinting as if he was noticing her for the first time, even though she had been here for some time. Taehyung had to let out a chuckle seeing the one next to him.

"Who is she? Here for any of us?" Jimin had his furrow still on when he turned to Taehyung in which the latter shrugged.

"That's what I can tell. You'll see her again in some days," Taehyung exhaled emptying out his lungs. Suddenly he felt like he was craving something, craving something on this weather exceptionally real bad.

His eyes glimmered even in the gloomy atmosphere as he suddenly got it. He turned to Jimin with the bright smile on his face. "Do you want chamomile tea?"

After a moment of hesitation Jimin nodded, and when Taehyung went inside the dorm he followed with small steps. Taehyung noticed how Jimin's eyes kept trailing behind at the girl with the yellow umbrella and it made Taehyung feel giddy how the shorter felt so curious.

The warm atmosphere inside washed over Taehyung as he stepped inside and closed the door. The plaster of a thin cold skin on his bare face and arms melting away into the natural air condition. Already he was missing the sensation of the rain, at least he could still hear the drizzle.

"Oh," Taehyung turned around to Jimin who was brushing his hands against his body. "I just remembered that my stock of chamomile tea ended few days ago."

Jimin bit hit lower lip before looking up at him. "Well, I have instant coffee. Do you want that? If you need something warm."

Taehyung felt disappointed, he really was craving it. He needed it and prepared his mind for it.

"I really wanted chamomile tea...," he trailed off with his eyebrows furrowing. "I think Jin hyung got some since his stash is never ending. We should ask him."

Taehyung was quick to go to the other part of the dorm where Jin's room was and he felt Jimin following him with hesitant steps again. As he was still pretty much a 'new' tenant Taehyung thought to himself if Jimin had never been to the others rooms, at least he knew Jimin never got to see his one.

Between the walls of the small corridor that started from the kitchen, Jungkook's room was at the very front. The rest two rooms were aligned side to side, Taehyung pointed to one of the doors. "That's Namjoon hyung's room. He's really messy, books everywhere."

Jimin had his mouth parted, formed in an 'o' shape as he nodded. Taehyung continued by himself. "Jungkook's room is a bit messy too but he's so quiet sometimes that you’ll never even know if he's inside or not. And for Jin hyung, I guess we might find out today."

"You’ve never been to his room?" Taehyung shook his head in negative hearing Jimin ask.

The question spun around a bit on his head as he thought hard. "I don't think I've really seen anyone else visit his room too."

Taehyung put his knuckles on the door and knocked softly, only for the door to push away and show a silver of what was inside.

"What? He is not inside? I thought he always locked up before going outside," Taehyung could not help but peak and from his side he saw Jimin doing the same.

A light sound of gasp left the short latter's mouth. "It's so neat!"

True, every inch of the wooden-like tiled floor, the pristine white bed with a pale blue colored bed sheet, the drawer next to it and the moon like lamp on the surface of it, the white wardrobe and white colored dressing table made with the same cuts and formation were clean, not a spec of dust around. Moreover, the simpleness yet the exquisite taste made both Taehyung and Jimin's jaws drop on the floor.

"Wow, he's sure rich. Look at the furniture!" Taehyung gaped shoving the door ajar, he could not believe a room like that existed in this very dorm and he had never seen it before.

Then his eyes fell on the papers filled with colours on the dressing table that was near the door, not papers- but they were comics and Taehyung could not help but feel a pull toward them.

"Hey," from the back he could hear Jimin's meek voice, a tone of warning. "Maybe we should not pry. It's his privacy..."

By then Taehyung had already reached for the comic books and they were on his hands. "Wow, these are sailor moon and very old versions on top of it. I wonder where he got em from."

A loud voice soon interrupted Taehyung's thoughts of admiration as a manga lover himself, though he never really read sailor moon but found himself gobbling down pages after pages of one piece, naruto or one punch man in his teen days which felt like ages ago.

"What are you doing here!" that's all Taehyung had heard before he turned around to see Jin by the doorframe, his hear disheveled, a black umbrella on his hand dripping water as his other hand was clutching a grocery bag.

"I said what the fuck are you doing here!" Jin shouted before coming inside and snatching away the comics from Taehyung in a mere second, his wet umbrella hitting the floor.

Taehyung saw the vein popping on Jin's neck, his jaw clenching and his face fuming in crimson red, and his eyes-

His eyes were mad, they had such level of intensity that Taehyung had never seen on him, or anyone before. It made Taehyung's throat go dry and his heart rate accelerate, at that moment he realized that he had done wrong. But words of apology couldn't form in his mouth.

"Out of all the stupid things you’ve done, this one was the worst, Kim Taehyung," Jin spat and the blue haired wanted to run away after the gravity of the words hit him but he felt like his feet were glued to the floor.

"I'm- we are sorry Jin hyung...," Taehyung heard Jimin mumble and he knew was still outside the room.

Another groggy voice spoke from the back. "I was sleeping, what the hell happened?" Jungkook.

Then came another, this time a deep voice that was full of cautiousness. "Is something wrong?" Namjoon.

"Get out of my room," Jin spoke with a hard stare, his bloodshot eyes never leaving Taehyung.

That's when Taehyung ran. Tears prickling his eyes, in guilt, shame or self disappointment? Probably all.


	10. Chapter 10

Taehyung thought he could be as calm as the sea but when the salt water went inside his mouth and he sensed it on his taste buds he knew a storm was raging in the sea of him.

"Out of all the stupid things-" was what Jin had said.

Taehyung knew he was stupid, plain stupid and pathetic. Simply put, he was just that, not a weirdo but that.

"Hey stupid alien!" when in elementary his classmates would bump a fist on his head and call him that he'd give them a bright grin. That's how he was.

The thoughts circled around his head and he felt himself drawing out exactly that on a paper lying before him, circling his drawing pencil round and round and creating a bizarre set of scribbles.

"I think Jin hyung overreacted a bit," a voice from the back hushed into the mellow of Taehyung's room where sunlight after a long and tiring downpour seeped through the indigo curtains.

Jimin's voice serenaded into his mind and he closed his eyes a bit before letting out a shaky exhale. "Isn’t he always like that? I have had some fights with him before and-"

And I know he'll come around, would he really? Taehyung could not finish his sentence and much to his dismay his already deep voice sounded like a hoarse outcry of help.

From the chair with his back facing Jimin he could feel the latter shift a little on Taehyung's bed. "I am not trying to judge but I think Jin hyung might have OCD or something, and that's completely okay too."

"Or maybe he's just a clean freak, a bit meticulous that's it. You don't have to calm me down," Taehyung spun on his seat until his leg caught up with the legs of the chair and only his upper body could shift. "I'm alright," he stared into Jimin's eyes.

There were no signs of tear, Taehyung knew. That was only one drop after all, he thought. Yet his eyes burned as if they'd let out the rain he was holding in like the sky from before.

Jimin searched his face with his own worried ones before looking down on his feet. "It's okay to cry you know. You’ve seen me at my worst state too. Some guys believe it's unmanly to cry and I surely hope you don't like to think that way."

Taehyung saw how Jimin continuously scratched on a lose strand of cotton on Taehyung's spaceship bed sheet with his index finger. Was he nervous?

The blue haired wondered if Jimin wasn’t really good at comforting people since he clearly looked like he was in discomfort. Yet his soft words could bring serenity to Taehyung, Jimin just didn’t know.

"I cry a lot by myself, you know. Every time I feel hurt. Think about home- what was once called home. Think about mom and dad," Jimin never looked up but continued. "Crying can ease someone. And if you want I'll leave you be."

Out of all the things, Taehyung would've never thought he'd once really admit that he hated being alone. Because he really did not want to busk in his sorrow alone now.

"I'm not rich. I started working that part time because I was short on spending money, again. All the kids from my major are rich and have a different life style. At least I make most of my own outfits, but I'd need some for the materials too."

Here that jibber jabber starting again, as Jimin finally looked up with his eyes widening Taehyung looked down. His voice holding a slight tremor in it yet he tried to execute his thoughts into words thoroughly.

"I am a country pumpkin, I'm not rich, I don't really have friends and I do a lot of weird, crazy things. Sometimes I just get fed up with myself, like, if I could stop being myself I think I would."

Taehyung felt his jaw clench, his breathing rapid and haphazard but Jimin's voice again lulled into the warm glow of the afternoon. "I have a hard time talking to people, I have a lot in my mind but can hardly let it out. At times I'd have an outburst not being able to keep it in anymore. I'm poor and from the countryside too. Most of the time in my life I think I'd hated myself."

There was a short pause before Jimin spoke again. "But hey, you're still you. And I'm still me. And our crazy, weird sides makes us special, maybe. That's what my dad used to tell me."

Taehyung felt the tremor inside him halt, there was an insecurity in Jimin's voice. He could tell the shorter hardly believed he was special too, but hearing it from someone that Taehyung reckoned was a lot like him felt comforting.

"The outfits you make are amazing by the way, I really thought you were a seoulite."

"As if," Tehyung couldn't but let out a soft snicker. "Most of my shirts, jeans and jackets are from thrift stores. I cut them around, paint and sew down materials to make them look trendy. Though there are some I'd made from the scratch."

Jimin brought his hand together in excitement before his small eyes wandered around the room for a bit. "You have a sewing machine too. You know that brown leather jacket of yours-" his eyes then fell onto Taehyung. "The one you often wear, that one looks the most expensive."

"Does it?" Taehyung could feel himself smile faintly before he uttered. "That one is expensive. My grandparents saved for a year to buy me that as a gift for transferring to a high school in Seoul."

He remembered how it was his first time leaving the village to settle down in the big city, alone. He thought he ought to be terrified, but he wasn't really. He just knew he'd miss home.

When he wore that jacket the very first day at school none of the students realized he was from the countryside, not even the slight satoori tone in his accent gave that away.

Kids wanted to be his friend, they did not know he was a misfit, an outcast.

And Taehyung thought, hey, this wasn’t so bad. He was seventeen, going on eighteen and he oddly craved to be accepted unlike his preteen days.

Was that the start of it all? He felt his eyebrows furrow as he searched for an answer.

"Anyway," trying to push the thought away he picked up a notebook and held it towards Jimin. "I make my own, kinda designs."

When Jimin took it and started going through the pages filled with his drawings, Taehyung felt his heart thumping loudly inside his chests. Would Jimin call them weird like his friends?

"This is fascinating," Jimin had his fervent eyes raking down the pages with a bright smile on his face, Taehyung let out a breath of relief.

"I especially like this one," Jimin held out one. "It's kind of like a character on itself, an alien but somehow looks like you!"

Taehyung felt his muscles tense again as he looked at the creature he had drawn at the bottom of the page, when had he drawn tata there?

Tata, that was the aliens name. He made up this as a friend of his when he was kid. The alien had a big heart shaped head, a bit distorted in the side with blank eyes and protruding set of lips (which Taehyung liked to think was detachable from its face)

"Enough of your little fingers on my design book," Taehyung snatched it away from Jimin and the latter gave him a surprised look before frowning.

"You just did not call me little fingers," Jimin grumbled beneath his breath and Taehyung almost got flashbacks of his explosion from the other night.

Despite thinking of the horror Taehyung stuck his tongue out to him. "You called me an alien first!"

"What's wrong with alien? Why do you have to rub on my height every time?" Jimin crossed his arms over his chest and growled.

"When did I? And alien is worse!"

"No, how's it worse?"

"You wouldn’t know, lil finger," Taehyung mocked before turning away.

"Alien," Jimin taunted.

"Yeah, if I am an alien you admit that you're a lil finger too," when Taehyung said Jimin straight up stood from the bed and started walking away.

"Hey, wait," the blue haired boy laughed before he got up too and followed the shorter.

At least for that fleeting moment, Taehyung did not feel so alone after a very long time.

\---  
A/n: can you guess whose part of story will begin next?


	11. Chapter 11

JIN looked at his reflrction and felt like he was looking at someone else.

The white shirt made him look handsome, the Armani black suit with a matching tie that his parents had given him on his last birthday fit him perfectly, but when he watched himself in the mirror of his room all he saw was a stranger that only had his face.

The corners of his eyes were red and his once neatly combed hair looked tousled. Combing the mess on his head with his hand he tried to force a smile on his face, which did not work. So he went and sat on the edge of his pristine white bed and flashbacks of what had happened in the previous hours ran through his mind.

He did not think he would see that person today.

Jin had lived a lavish life, his parents were rich and busked him in a lush lifestyle yet they also wrapped him around in a golden satin cloak. Jin always got whatever he wanted but not what he needed.

Freedom was one of the things he needed.

Even when he was living in the dorm by himself now, much to his parent's disdain, the shackles of his past had made its way latching onto his bones.

He was breathing and sleeping in his own skin of course, but did not feel so.

Often he would meet his parents and they would remind him what they needed from him. What he needed, was never really important anyway.

When Jin met up with his mother to have lunch in an expensive traditional restaurant as they had scheduled a week earlier, he thought she had brought him to meet with some business partner he'd soon get affiliated with, or another conglomerate who would come in handy someday.

The golden and black interior, the wooden table, and bonsais decorated alongside the private eating room at the restaurant were suffocating Jin, the tie too.

That's why he found himself outside the men's toilet and going through his own Instagram account where he had uploaded pictures of food he had made or ate outside on several occasions.

However, when he felt his mother approaching him with quick short steps on her black high heels he quickly locked off his phone and stood still with his hands down in a polite manner.

"They are here," she said as if she was spilling a secret, a few creases on her aged forehead. His mother was shorter than him and from above he could see the few gray hairs carefully hidden behind her dark ones.

Like a habit her hands glided on the pearl necklace that adorned her neck and fit her black dress well, but there was a frown on her small face and Jin found her looking at his hand placed by his side, his phone.

"What is that?" She pointed with the same hand that was stroking her necklace before it met the back of her neck and she looked up at him in worry.

"This?" Jin lifted his hand, a white alpaca doll with a red scarf was attached to his phone's case. "I got it from one of my housemates."

Jin recalled Hoseok coming by with two key chains one day, one that was shaped like a horse and another that was this, an alpaca. "Which should I use?" He asked Jin with a furrow on his face before laughing and choosing the horse himself anyway.

The older did not know what he was thinking when he accepted the other as Hoseok gifted him that. He did not know what he was thinking when he even attached that to his phone but now that he was met with his mother's gaze of disapproval that he was so familiar with, he knew he had done wrong.

"That doesn't really suit your style, Seokjin," the short woman said in a tone that was as gentle and as strict at the same time.

Jin felt the chains in his bone pull again, swiftly, he got rid of the alpaca and put it on his other pocket. "Yes, mother."

"Now," she smiled and her full lips smeared with bright red lipstick tugged on the corners of her mouth as her hands fell on his shoulders. Lightly she dusted off his suit with her palms. "Come. You will love who you will meet today."

The subtle excited tone in her voice made Jin go through his shelves of memory to find anyone attached to his name or family that he would like to meet, but he could not find any names.

Following his mother's back, he entered the private room again before putting off his shoes and bowing his head to the other two people without looking.

But when his eyes met their faces, a middle aged lady and a boy around Jin's age by her left, Jin froze up.

Suddenly his world felt like it would collapse, as if the ground under his feet had gotten removed and the dirt would swallow him in, as if the room was not already stiff enough but it was an ocean without any piece of land anywhere near sight and he had fallen down there.

Sweat formed into beads on his glassy forehead as he sat down by his mother, no words of exchange or his mother's shrill voice got inside his brain.

He only saw August's hazel green eyes warming up as he smiled at Jin showing his gum, his smile hadn't changed a bit even when it had been a decade.

"How long has it been? Ten years or twelve?" he could finally hear his mother chime at the other lady. "You should've brought your husband too!"

"He did not come with us on this trip, really busy with the business. You know how he is," the lady in white answered before her eyes fell on Jin and she made a gasping sound. "Jinnie has changed so much! He looks too handsome now!"

"August too," His mother laughed from the side. "Jin has done his bachelors in civil engineering, and now getting masters in computer engineering, I asked him, why did you take up such hard majors? You are going to anchor your father's hotel business anyway! But he loves studying and-"

Jin found himself disconnecting from the spiel his mother was giving. He did not know what was the reason for her to tell a lie. Jin had gotten bachelors in hotel management, now in his masters on tourism.

It was perfect for the world he was getting into, but seemingly not enough for his own mother.

He never liked studying, and even August's mother would know that.

August Hendrik, his sister Julie, his father who was American and mother who was Korean lived in the mansion next to Jin's for years. Jin knew them since childhood and they knew him well too.

"Did you get the gift I sent you?" Jin felt like he was resurfacing from the ocean again as he heard the boy before him say.

"Son, I gave your number and address to August after he came here," his mom told him with her lips tightly pressed in a smile before she turned to the other female. "Isn't it so great to see childhood friends get reunited?"

If she knew everything she would have kept August a hundred feet away from Jin.

"I think there was a wrong digit in the number," the hazel eyed boy with his brown curly hair chuckled softly. "Jin never replied."

Jin was staring down on his hands made into fists that rested on his lap, his knuckles turning white and nails digging into the flesh of his palms. The noose of his tie felt like it was tightening around his throat like a rope.

It felt so suffocating he thought he would die.

He could not remember the last time he had lost it in front of any of his parents, but that moment nothing matter. Before Jin knew he had stood up, rashly wore his shoes and stormed out from there.

He did not hear his own mother's cry, could not process another gasp of shock from August's mother.

Now that his phone was constantly vibrating from his dressing table he only sat on his bed trying to catch a breath. His eyes fell on the lit screen a few feet away and the sailor moon comic books stashed next to it.

He had gotten August's gifts.

Soon Jin's erratic breathing died down, but his jumbled up brain did not untangle. To calm himself Jin quickly thought if he should clean his room again, but it was neat. Then he thought if he would clean the kitchen, but he had a bickering with Taehyung the other day and he did not want to meet Taehyung there like this.

He was not mad at Taehyung, he was only scared if he would see more than he should have. Not like he had already when he stepped inside Jin's room.

Jin resorted to rearrange his wardrobe. And when he opened the white piece of furniture he was met with outfits he would die to wear but never did.

What was the meaning of his constant cleaning sprees anyway if he himself felt dirty?


	12. Chapter 12

"I heard that you were sick that day," August's hazel eyes were drinking in Jin and the latter could only focus on the warm cup of coffee before him, wisps of cloud emitting from it before dying down.

Begrudgingly Jin put a finger down the neck of his black turtleneck sweater, as if the soft material was too tight circling around his throat. Jin thought it might be nostalgic to see August after so many years, but he only felt like he was being weighed down by something.

"It's so good to see after such a long while, Jin. You seem like you have changed a lot," August's voice was almost like a whisper. He would not avert his gaze from Jin even for a second, watching him almost as if he was a mystery.

"People change," the words were heavy on Jin's tongue. He shifted on his seat again but this time, he tried to match August's gaze.

Nothing had seemed to change in him. The curly locks in a murky shade of brown still tousled on August's head, eyes still as curious and glittering like pearls in the sea, when he smiled he still showed his gum.

The only changes were that he was not wearing his glasses anymore. His bare and beautiful eyes were for everyone to see, not only for Jin when he would remove the boy's heavy glasses and stare into those translucent set of hazel green pearls before they would both burst out into fits of giggles.

His cheekbones had also become more prominent, almost like his American father. His voice a stark deeper too, despite all that he still had the boyish innocence engraved on his face.

Then it struck Jin. He was only feeling uncomfortable because he was the one who was a stranger here. Not August.

"I, on the other hand," August heaved a small sigh before tilting his head to the front and letting out a soft chuckle by himself. "I gave up on college, dropped out. It's just not my thing. I want to start a small business but before that, I kinda wanna travel the world."

"That's always been your dream," Jin found himself whispering for no reason, in which the other boy laughed triumphantly.

Jin could see how much August was enjoying his presence but the dark haired could only feel strange when the past memories came to him, as if they were not his own but he was looking at the recollections through a kaleidoscope.

"Yeah," August mused taking a sip of his coffee. "I also came out to my parents. It was hard for them to consume at first but later they accepted it."

Eyes slowly going wide Jin stared at the hazel boy but then he remembered how different August's parents and his environment were than his.

That was also the reason why Jin would find himself more in the mansion next door with a vast green lawn and flower garden attached to it, the other reason was August himself of course.

August lived in a carefree and frolic environment where bubbles, butterflies, and giggles danced around the atmosphere, Jin could feel his shackles free him whenever he would find himself there.

And when they left to the USA, August and Jin were merely sixteen. The parting happened as less dramatic as possible.

Yet everything changed drastically after that. Jin had nowhere to turn to and his parents also realized how he was lacking in 'manners', 'etiquettes', and 'behaviors' due to his frequent escape to their next-door neighbors.

"That's good for you," Jin felt his stiff shoulders loosen a little as he managed to smile for the first time. "I am glad to hear that."

August slowly nodded to himself returning Jin's smile. "Do you remember how this place used to be an internet café? They have made this a coffee shop, I see." He wandered his head around a bit and Jin relaxed a bit more not getting the same question about coming out from August.

"So much changed around here," hearing him mutter Jin only could think how Jin had transformed into a different person too.

Trying not to give in to his thoughts he spoke up. "How long are you here for?

"A week. Tops." August shrugged to himself. "Next stop is India. I will be meeting Julie there, apparently, she had mastered the hobby of traveling too. Hey, do you remember-" the boy leaned a bit forward, eyes gleaming with mischief as if he was spilling an enormous secret.

"When we broke her favorite set of mirrors. We were only playing with her makeups. Oh boy, who knew she would cry so much."

Hearing that brought Jin back to the set of events as if he was not looking through a mirror anymore but it was actually happening.

Jin in his favorite pink sweater trying to hold August's face still with one hand, other applying blush on his cheeks. As if they were not tinted already just like Jin's sweater.

"She misses you a lot. You know, after we moved away she confessed to me one day that she had a crush on you."

Julie who was two years younger than them both had curly locks just like August, but they fell onto her shoulders in waves. Jin could still picture her whimpering after scrapping her knees in the garden, August scolding her and Jin tending to her wounds.

"Poor girl did not know we had a thing going on," a ghost of a smile still lingered on August's face as he muttered.

The clouds brewing from the coffee took Jin a long time back when things were alright, when he would find his hands locked in the hazel boy's hands, their fingers entwined as they chased down the butterflies when they beat their wings in their hearts. August and Jin were ten.

Or under the maple tree in an autumn afternoon when August first confessed to Jin when they were fourteen, his face crimson and words a stutter. Jin decided that day that the color of August's shy face could be the next best color to pink.

Or when they were sixteen and August told Jin that they were leaving, his face a ghastly shade of pale that matched Jin's hollow heart.

Or two years later when the unread emails from August that Jin skimmed through before deleting them all and turning his computer off, the screen just as black like Jin turtleneck sweater. There was no place for pink.

"A few weeks ago I was in Japan and you would not believe, I found the exact same set of mirrors like Julie's!" August bit on his lower lip fighting down a grin. "And I also found the sailor moon mangas you used to love. With the pink covers, I learned that they were a rare version."

Jin remembered why he had decided to meet August in the first place, and the weight that was sitting on his lap all this time. Jin finally took it out and placed it on the table.

He saw the crestfallen face that befell August's face, as if like an avalanche all the snow suddenly falling down a steep mountain.

"I don't like those anymore, August," Jin breathed out and despite the lump forming on his throat he kept speaking. "Nor do I like pink now."

There was a time when Jin used to find home in August, but now the hazel boy and the crisp comic books before him were only making him realize how he was bound by the chains, the thick ropes tightening around his muscles.

He could not hear much of what August was saying in reply. It did not matter much when Jin noticed the man with a book on his hand sitting on the other table that was behind them stand up to leave.

The familiar face made Jin freeze up in his seat before he abruptly stood up to chase down the guy that had already left the café.

It was Namjoon, only when he had taken the book down Jin saw it was him.

And the same thoughts jumbled up his brain again like the incident that occurred with Taehyung. With erratic breathing and a screaming heart Jin ran to catch up to Namjoon.

Thankfully he hadn't gone too far. "Wait," the older shouted from the back making his housemate stop.

When he had finally walked up to Namjoon he could barely ask if he had heard all of the conversations between him and August between his huffs and puffs.

Namjoon's concerned eyes were on Jin before they followed the other person that had walked up to them.

August, who had gotten outside the café too held out the transparent bag that Jin had used to wrap in the comic books. The curly-haired gave him a somber expression that almost mirrored his pale face from ten years ago when he left.

"Please keep this. As a final goodbye, Jin."

From Jin's periphery he could see Namjoon look away from August and gaze down at the asphalt instead.

Jin was bisexual and now he was sure Namjoon had learned about it too.

\---  
A/n: I'm proud of myself for being able to write this chapter in the pride month for the lgbtqap+ community.

Jin from this story is my most prominent lgbt+ character yet.


	13. Chapter 13

"Do you want to walk together? I was going to the library but you may take a bus back to the dorm from the stop a few minutes ahead," Namjoon shifted on his legs as he took the book from his left hand to right.

The transparent bag that was in Jin's hand felt like it would take him down to the earth as it felt so heavy, so did his shoulders. Jin knew he was often a capricious person on his own but never had he felt so feeble before someone.

Noticing his own hand tremble, Jin gave a curt nod. The afternoon in the city had wrapped them around in an orange blanket and a warm atmosphere, but inside Jin's mind, it was pouring nonstop.

He wondered why the brunette was so quiet, his expression giving nothing away on what was in his mind. Jin knew, he just knew Namjoon had heard it all. If not, at least some of it.

With the departing words from August even an idiotic person would know what was going on. Even if Jin did not know much about Namjoon despite spending years with him in the dorm, the dark-haired knew Namjoon was an intellectual person.

"If you would not mind may I borrow those comics from you?" All of a sudden Namjoon said and Jin broke out from his trance.

"You read shoujo mangas?"

Namjoon definitely did not look like it, but oh well, Jin did not either, did he?

Namjoon shook his head to the sides softly and a pair of dimples appeared on his cheeks. "I have never but when I was a child I used to watch sailor moon with my sister. It was fascinating, and I feel a pull towards all genres of reads so, that's that."

Jin watched him with a forlorn look on his own that did not match the warmth of such a cozy afternoon where couples walked holding hands around the sides of the road, a few school boys and girls walking around in groups after their last bell had rung in school.

Before Jin knew a question rolled off his tongue, "you don't think it's girly? The comics? The pink covers?"

He did not mean to, but he knew there was a stern tone in his voice which made the English major next to him pause to look at him.

Where they stood a big maple tree covered both of their heads from the side of the street, its branches shadowing the clear sky. It was not autumn but Jin had a sudden recall of August. The memory of getting his first confession under a maple tree.

And now Jin was so different that again he asked himself if that was really a memory of his past self or someone else's.

He could see Namjoon let out a small sigh, staring at Jin with eyes that Jin could not decipher. Jin wondered if he had crossed the line, but his parents never thought that when they said even harsher words to him, did they.

"I don't think there's any color or anything of liking that is set for one gender in particular. And I don't think adoring pink or shoujo mangas are exclusive for girls only, though they are not really a choice for myself as a an individual," Namjoon said, standing still with his eyes never leaving Jin. "Every person is different."

The orange among them had slowly morphed into a shade of purple with evening falling down ever so quietly. Jin was at a loss of words, Namjoon looked so too but then the latter shifted on his legs again turning his eyes away from the older.

"I am sorry but I'd a heard a bit of your conversation back in the coffee shop. I did not want to, but I was sitting too close. I should've left sooner but I knew you would see me and I thought you would feel uncomfortable," Namjoon rambled on, so fast that it took the other a moment to take it all in.

But when he did, his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.

"I... at the end, you saw me anyway while I was leaving," the brunette stammered out, his eyes darting to Jin for a second before tearing the gaze apart.

Jin felt the tremor inside of him. As if he had not felt caged most of his life, now he felt like he was trapped underneath the gravel of the road and there was no scope to breathe.

It was his first time coming out to someone other than August, albeit accidentally. Jin felt like his world had fallen apart. If this got out, if his parents knew, if anyone knew-

He could not even think anymore, swallowing hard he bit on his lower lip hoping this was all just a nightmare. There really was nothing to do for him, he could not even feel the shaken soul inside of him get infuriated as it had with Taehyung. Jin knew he was done for.

"I know this is not my place to tell and I cannot make any assumptions either-" Jin heard Namjoon say with confusion draped in his voice but Jin could not look up to see his expression.

Was Namjoon disgusted by him? Disturbed at least, to some extent?

But Namjoon's tone when he said the next words were so calm that Jin had to face the boy in the padded green jacket and baseball cap on his head.

"There is nothing wrong in liking a person of the same gender. It's you and it's a part of your identity, your sexuality that is. And no one should judge you by that or any of your choices of liking. It's who you are. I'm sorry if anyone ever made you feel there was something wrong with being you. Not that I'm saying someone actually did."

It was dark now, the purple sky had turned into blue and so did Jin's face. Yet for some reasons, Jin's heart felt warm, as if the purple was still laced to him.

The air whispered around them and Jin could finally breathe, he felt like he finally could. His eyes stung and he held his head low, "thanks," that's all he could mutter.

Namjoon face was almost invisible, Jin could not tell if it was because of the darkness surrounding them or for his blurry vision.

Then he suddenly had a thought that he hardly knew anything about Namjoon, even after spending three years in the very room next to his.

"I'll keep it from the others," the brunette whispered with the wind before replacing the book in his hand to his other again. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the library." Sheepishly he rubbed his neck. "See you later in the dorm."

Jin nodded again, with that the streetlights lit up. Jin stared until Namjoon's back disappeared at the corner of the street and then he let out another breath as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his sleeve.

He put his hand close to his view and stared at the sleeve, darker than the evening.

The only color he had been associating himself with for almost a decade now.

Jin knew what he wanted to do next.

\---  
A/n: please read every chapter carefully. If you skip through the paragraphs you'll miss important details.


	14. Chapter 14

It was the next morning when Jin could feel his own gaze burning himself from the mirror that he stood before.

The pink colored sweatshirt that he had brought months ago on a whim during his online shopping spree (but never got to wear it for obvious reasons) hugged his tall body just perfectly.

He could feel the sewn purple hearts that were patterned on the left side of his attire as he dabbed on the place gently, seven little hearts designed on just where his own heart would be.

The cotton material was soft on his skin. A simple form of outfit that he had to pair with his ashen gray trousers, as he couldn't find anything of a lighter shade even after ransacking his whole wardrobe.

He stared at the black fringes on his forehead, his own serene eyes, lips that were a bit chapped and face that did not show much of an expression.

It was the first time he had worn something of a lighter color; his favourite color, in years and he could not feel anything looking at his reflection.

It was just him, still him. And he wondered if his love for pink had vanished like the maple tree on August's lawn that died years ago, surprisingly right after August and his family moved out.

Letting out a small exhale Jin crouched down and opened a drawer of his white dressing table and stared at the miscellaneous objects strewn across there.

With a bite on his lower lip, he hesitantly pulled them out. A pair of chapsticks, a bottle of foundation and compact powder, a small makeup box.

It had been so long since they were lying down there that Jin was not sure if their dates had already expired or not.

Heaving another breath he was holding in, Jin stood up. Avoiding looking at the mirror this time, he left his room, and he left the door slightly ajar though the hesitation was starting to cripple up to him again.

Holding his throat in a choke, ropes around his muscles and shackles on his bones, chain latching onto his spine and he himself caged in a metallic prison.

The things that he had carefully hidden from everyone and himself could be out in the open now, albeit not all of it. Jin was a vast person, like every other individual.

But some of those hidden sides were the very thing that constricted his throat, sometimes pulverizing him in a harsh grip.

Then Namjoon's words flashed by Jin's jumbled up mind. "It's who you are."

Leaving the door be, he walked towards the kitchen where the aroma of a fresh dish he had just cooked lingered around, paired with the musty smell of rain that was incoming from an open window of the living room.

The dumplings Jin had made were enough to feed seven, even though they were mainly made in the thought of making nice with Taehyung after the fight the other day. The first thing Jin noticed was that Namjoon wasn't available in the dorm, albeit Jin so wished he was.

Next he knocked on the youngest bedroom and after a minute of some shuffling sounds, the doe-eyed boy opened the closed door. The room was so silent that Jin thought he was absent too.

The eldest could not help but scrunch his nose a little at the mess that laid beyond Jungkook, his bed unmade and blanket rolling on the floor. Only a black laptop could be seen in the horror that was once, a bed.

"Yes, hyung?" Jungkook's white tee was on his body inside out, as if the boy had just thrown it on himself before opening up.

"You've got a delivery. I signed the paper and kept it beside the door." Jin tried to focus on how the boy's eyes grew larger as he clamped a hand on his forehead, rubbing off his sweat.

Jin could only guess what he was doing there with the laptop, young boys and hormones. "And I've made dumplings, do you want some?"

Jungkook took a step back, as if ready to clasp the door shut again. "Could you save some for me hyung? I am a little busy right now."

The apologetic look with a sorry of an excuse made Jin want to throw off a snarly comment at him, poking on what he thought Jungkook was doing alone in his room but Jin stopped his urge and only nodded a yes.

Next, Jin found himself sauntering towards Jimin's room to invite both Jimin and Yoongi to the kitchen table but sadly, Yoongi was not there and the other young boy was listening to music by himself. With wide eyes Jimin agreed to taste the dumplings.

Then it was Taehyung's room. And Jin could only loiter around for a bit before knocking on the door because truthfully, he was guilty. And he did not find it in himself to face Taehyung.

Yet when he knocked he was glad to find the blue haired opening up. Immediately Taehyung looked down on the floor and from behind a hollering Hoseok danced his way through, before draping a hand over to Taehyung's shoulders.

"What are you cooking? I swear I can smell it from here," the curly haired said gleefully with his pearl teeth open in the view.

Jin swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat and decided to voice out. "Do you want dumplings? I made some."

"Yes!" Hoseok cheered, Taehyung still silent in his dreary expression. But he followed anyway where Jimin and Hoseok had already made their way onto digging through the dish that laid right in the middle of the kitchen table.

Jin noticed how Jimin's concerned eyes darted to Taehyung who was dabbing a piece of dumpling in the sauce then putting the whole thing in his mouth.

The pitter patter rain had started to fall outside, the whirring sound of the wind whirling around the silent room. With the tap tap noise only a very distant sound of music could be heard coming from the floor above, the old tune molding itself to the sound of the rain and the wind and Jin could feel himself getting immersed to it.

"Wow, you cook so good!" Hoseok was the first one to break the silence. When Jin looked up Hoseok had his whole face scrunched, hands up in the air and fingers dancing to the rhythm of the old song.

His mouth moving as if he was slowly chewing to savour the taste. "If this goes on I might get fat again."

"You were chubby, hyung?" Taehyung spoke for the first time, a genuine curiosity on his face and Jin could feel his own shoulder loosen a little.

Hoseok nodded popping another piece on his mouth using his chopsticks. "Whele I was a teel," he could barely speak until he gulped the food down. "I used to weigh hundred kgs."

"You don't seem like it," Jimin said in a meek voice and Hoseok shrugged.

Putting the matter aside Jin decided to put his other thoughts into the slowly forming conversation. "You're barely in the dorm. I did not think I'd see you today."

"I had volunteer work at a orphanage," Hoseok gave his signature pearly teeth smile. "But that got postponed for the rain."

"It's raining for the last time in a while, the news said," Taehyung muttered looking down before looking up to Jimin who was sitting at the opposite side.

Slowly his eyebrows scrunched up, a taut expression on his face. "Hey, little finger! Don't you think you can slow down a little?" He hissed making eye contacts with Jimin then back at the dumpling. "You're finishing it all!"

Jimin almost gave an eye roll, which did not get unnoticed by Jin. The elder found him barking back. "Really? I think you ate four in the last minute," he puffed up his cheeks before letting go. "Alien!"

"Can you two assholes let me eat in peace?" Hoseok chimed in and the rest turned to find him giving a blank expression, the muscles around his jaw tight.

It was silent again for a second save for the music of the rain outside, and the song from the second floor that sounded a bit louder.

"Are you drunk hyung?" Taehyung stared at Hoseok in awe, slowly with that the latter's face fell. "I mean, you don't normally cuss unless you're drunk."

"Ah." The curly haired boy had a hand rubbing the back of his head as he visibly deflated on his seat, his shoulders shrinking and emitting a gloomy aura that was so unnatural coming from him. "Sorry."

"Just eat all you want, all of you," Jin sighed. "There's a lot left."

A smile slowly adorned his feature, Jin could feel the corners of his mouth tugging when he saw Hoseok returning to his cheery self, the younger too digging in again and bickering between themselves.

Jin wondered if this was fake too, if this smile on him was forced. But it came so naturally, and his heart was humming with the old music, resonating with it joyfully.

"The landlord has a nice music taste," Jin whispered to himself but Taehyung caught up.

"It's an old song called la vie en rose, which means life in pink," the blue boy commented gazing up at Jin.

For a moment Jin could feel his heart wrenching, but it wasn't the same suffocating, constricting feeling he'd sense all the time. As if it was a warm nostalgia leaking inside of him and melting the chains, shackles and the ropes that were binding him on the inside.

"Nice shirt though, hyung," Taehyung added and Jin finally tasted it, the life in pink. He finally realized he was wearing his favourite colour, and he was not ashamed of it.

Jin felt the material on his skin, yet it did not weigh him down but felt like it was making him lighter than a bird. "Thanks," he found his hand caressing the purple hearts on his chest again involuntarily.

"Can I wear it someday?" Taehyung chirped, the disdain on his expression long gone and he only showed interest, passion.

Jin exhaled and tipped his head back. "No," answered he.

"Serves you right!" Jimin laughed out loudly.

Taehyung puckered up his lip, pouting. "Only for a day, please!"

While Hoseok was patting Taehyung's shoulder with a wise look on his face and Jimin continuously taunting the blue boy, Jin found himself laughing too.

If he were to choose this 'life in pink', as in to choose himself, the real himself, only hardship would come.

Though at that moment nothing mattered, because for the first time in years Jin felt like it was really him, it was Kim Seokjin and none other.

\---  
A/n: guess whose arc is next.


	15. Chapter 15

NAMJOON liked reading books.

A lot, maybe too much. On weekdays like this the sun would roll onto the sky until the moon would show up and orbit around earth and Namjoon would be in a corner of his room, the window left open near his bed and a book on his hands, his eyes stuck in the pages.

It did not matter much what kind of book it was, but what Namjoon really liked was something that held a piece of some other country. A distant place, faraway place.

The cup of black coffee by his bedside table would produce plumes of vapor and he'd find himself wandering off to that different space as if he was really there, as if he was floating on the cloud of his coffee.

Some days he'd even forget to have dinner, not until he would start to feel nauseated and he would realize that he needed food. Only then would he put the book down and wander off to the kitchen.

Today wasn't an exception. It was an evening of a Sunday that felt like it came long due. Winter was only around the corner while Autumn still bloomed to its last breath.

While Namjoon would sometimes look out the window of his room and see the fallen leaves scattered here and there, he'd want to rush off to the street side where he had found a maple tree months ago, when it still rained, when Jin only had solemn expressions on.

Unlike the Jin today that he found leaning back on the kitchen counter, a black oversized hoodie on his lean body and his thumb quickly scrolling through the screen of his phone. The alpaca ring with a red scarf dangling from his phone's case did not go unnoticed by Namjoon.

"Hey," Jin looked up as Namjoon opened the refrigerator for a glass of milk.

"Hey," he could not but answer back with a smile that also danced on Jin's full lips.

"I made extra amount of curry for dinner, if you'd like some you can find it in the cabinet," Jin was again back to scrolling through his phone, his left foot up and continuously thrumming against the counter.

Namjoon wouldn't say he was the best at reading people, but when a person genuinely felt happy he could at least catch it.

The boy didn't really know what happened to Jin. There wasn't a big change on him after that talk, but he was glad to see Jin more joyful and less meticulous about his cleanliness in the dorm like before.

Muttering a thanks Namjoon trudged towards his own space in the lobby but then he saw Jungkook open the door to his room ever so slightly and squeezing himself out, his feet on the floor light, like a cat.

"God, you were in your room?" Jin shouted out making Namjoon stop. "You scared me!"

A sheepish grin made its way on to the youngster's boyish features. "I was sleeping."

"You have another package," Jin mindlessly tapped his feet on the counter. "Just who keeps sending you so many stuff? Or do you buy a lot online?"

"Both," Jungkook shrugged, not before he had sent a mischievous wink which made the eldest roll his eyes. Letting out a silent chuckle Namjoon sauntered toward his room and again he found himself on his bed, a tale of two cities in his hands.

He could not tell how many times he had read the same book since he was little but it did not matter as every time it was enjoyable, maybe not as much as the first time but still was.

A distant music hummed in the air, the aroma of coffee still lingering in the atmosphere even though the stains on his cup were long dry. There was also a smell of rusty, dried leaves, tree brunches that knocked on his lungs every time a cold breeze swished through his curtains.

"So kiss me and smile for me  
Tell me that you'll wait for me  
Hold me like you'll never let me go"

The brunette boy had to put his book down, it rested on his lap as he ventured off to a cozy state of mind. He closed his eyes and felt himself slowly sing the next lines of John Denver's song.

"Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane  
Don't know when I'll be back again  
Oh baby, I hate to go."

Until the landlord from the second floor had finally stopped the music Namjoon did not snap out of his headspace. When he was back the sky outside had taken a darker shade, but Namjoon was in a lighter mood.

Thus he finally decided to push away the nagging feeling on the bottom of his stomach that had not left for a while. Truthfully, Namjoon always looked so much in peace that no one would ever know if something was going on with him.

Not even Namjoon himself, he was always busy living in different worlds, be it books or people, like Jin who could find solace in him. His classmates, even his professor that would sometimes come to seek suggestion from him on some unspoken matter.

This was Namjoon, he knew, or, he could guess a lot about people surrounding him.

But no one knew him better.

That was okay, the brunette knew he was a bit closed off despite being so open. That was really okay because he did not have much to spare about his own life anyway.

Because everyday was so monochrome and lackluster, the book, it was only the books and the senses he'd get from enjoying them or other's stories that made everything more vivid.

He pondered again for a few seconds, not that he hadn't for days until he pressed the call button to his mom.

Maybe calling his dad would be normal for this but his mom was more of an unannounced head of the family.

"Son!" The gleeful voice of a woman recognized as Namjoon's mother shouted as soon as the dialing tone started. "I was just about to call you! Today your father was cleaning out the attic and we found baby socks of you and Jungmi, how delightful is that!"

A smile crept up to Namjoon's face as he listened to his mom, sometimes adding in his own comments too as the woman went on for hours and hours.

Calls with his mother were always the longest, even though it happened in a week or sometimes two. Perhaps that's why she had so much to talk about.

Namjoon could not find a scope to say the thing he wanted to, now that the discussion had rolled off to Namjoon's father being an 'idiot' because he had broken off an entire dinner table while trying to fix it, after his mom had finished talking about Namjoon's younger sister, Jungmi's disappointing grades.

"Mom," he finally piped in, almost incoherent but the other side went silent.

"Yes, son?" He could picture the eager smile on her face as he fumbled with the hem of his white shirt.

"I am thinking of getting my masters in the USA. I talked to the vice chairman of our major and he recommended a university in California."

He waited for her to snap out of his happy zone, and she did. After the short pause the voice came as dreary as Namjoon thought it would be. "Son, are you sure about this?"

"Yes," he replied, albeit taking more than a second to.

"Didn't you want to leave for your bachelors too? We've had this conversation before, Namjoon." 

When she didn't say son and instead called him by his name, he knew the topic would die down soon. Yet he tried.

"Yeah, but I'm sure this time."

Was he really? Maybe he was. But then his mother said the same thing from four years ago. "It's not even your passion, Namjoon. You chose that major because you're good at English. It's not like, it's your dream."

It wasn't. But wasn't it okay to not to have a dream?

At least, he liked what he was doing and when he thought about going out of the country to study a bit more, it excited him.

Even though it wasn't his dream, it was close to that, or it could be.

"And what do you do when you fail in that? You fail in trying to achieve something you're not meant for? Remember that your father wanted to be a writer but he works in his own bookstore now, Namjoon."

It was the same words from before. Namjoon stayed silent.

"That is the reality, son. Just graduate from here. It's already hard enough having my oldest child living in the big city alone. When you're done with your studies you can come back here and get a job as a teacher. Wouldn't that be amazing?"

Of course, it was always better to choose something that had lesser chance of failure. Because failure was hard, it brought disappointment and could break someone or their entire family for the whole life.

The phone talk went back to previous discussions and there was no room for Namjoon to talk about it more.

When the call ended, Namjoon picked up his book again. But it had become late at night and he could not focus anymore, nor could he feel his sleep coming any time soon.

So he pulled out the drawer of his bedside table and picked up the untouched pack of Marlboros. He drew a stick out and lit it with his lighter and expert hands.

The effluvium spread about, a miasma of nicotine surrounding Namjoon like the wall he had built around himself.

He took a long drag of the cigarette as he let his body fall on the bed, his eyes darting towards the open window again, to the night sky that was pitch black like an endless abyss. No stars were around.

Namjoon checked the packet. He wasn't exactly what you would call a chain smoker, but when the walls around him got too overbearing and too heavy he would find himself smoking until there would be no cigarettes left in the packet.

Taking another drag he exhaled the puff towards the dark sky.

The smoke was as dull gray as his life.


	16. Chapter 16

There would be periods of time when Namjoon would feel like a volatile substance; not even a creature, waiting to be evaporated.

It had been some days like this. He couldn't really pinpoint what was wrong, why he felt so disappointed when he shouldn't be.

Yet every night when he'd feel this urge to hold a cigarette in between his fingers and coat himself with the stain of ashes and breathe in the stench of nicotine he knew something was going wrong with him, definitely.

It was ten or eleven at night, Namjoon didn't bother much to check the time before he had gone outside. But as he found himself in the lonely streets of the neighbourhood and the designated store which was terribly empty save for the part timer, he supposed it was close to midnight.

And the yarning of busking himself in the poisonous smoke was poking him in the head again.

He put the bill with the packet of Marlboros on the cashier's desk and as Namjoon saw a pair of veiny, pale hands take the money off the table he instinctively looked up.

It was Yoongi, the engineering major from the other end of his dorm.

"Do you need a bag?" As the lad voiced Namjoon shook his head to the sides.

Namjoon did not really know why he was at unease, all of a suddenly. Smoking was his occasional and a secretive habit of some sorts, but it was out in the open for Yoongi to know now. That was not the problem.

The problem was Namjoon knew, he looked like shit, utter shit. He hadn't been going out unless he had classes. In his room he had been reading and smoking, A LOT. Namjoon caught this 'occasional' habit when he was young, way young, but he could not remember the last time he had smoked so much in a few consecutive days.

Namjoon could already feel the dark circles under his eyes getting heavier, the new grown pimples poking out in his skin that he'd often absentmindedly scratch on, his complexion ghastly as if he was out of blood, lips chapped and gray.

But Yoongi did not observe his pathetic self for long.

"Well, you look like shit!" A sudden voice boomed and Namjoon saw Hoseok standing with two bottle of beers in his hand, judging Namjoon's face with wide eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asked and his eyes fell onto Yoongi next. "I did not know you worked here!"

Namjoon did not know that either. He was supposed to say he was fine but as he clutched on the packet of cigarettes inside his hoodie's pocket, he really did not feel like saying so.

Thankfully, Yoongi and Hoseok were immersed in their own small talk now. "My shift's ending now actually." Yoongi pulled out his green vest, with his droopy shoulders he slowly arranged the desk before stepping out.

"How about having some beer in the dorm's rooftop!" Hoseok hoisted the bottles in the air with a bright grin on his face. "Today's weather seems nice!"

"I haven't been there in ages," Namjoon exhaled as he shifted his weight from one foot to another.

"I have never," Yoongi said in a low voice and Hoseok immediately shrieked.

"What are you guys saying! I have an adventure to myself there almost every night. You know what-" He put his hands on his waist, the bottles dangerously hanging from there. "Let's get more beer for you sunshines."

Namjoon did not hold a protest, he was too tired to. And the idea of having some company in the rooftop didn't sound bad, especially since he'd realized that he had been isolating himself from human association, and his own self since the past few days.

Yoongi did not mind either. The way back Namjoon could hear Hoseok and Yoongi having those small talks again between themselves. If it was another time, Namjoon would have joined.

He'd even put his thoughts, throw in his own questions and morph this talk into a whole discussion about anything, be it about the life in dorm, or the rooftop, or simply the beers but he felt detached for some reasons.

Namjoon could be a social person whenever he chose to be. But when at home and inside his room, there was no one else that was as quiet, or, as languid as Namjoon.

The air was so cold that the brunette wondered if Autumn had already ended. The night was glacial and the atmosphere frosty, upon reaching the dorm and skipping on the staircase to reach the rooftop Namjoon could not help but shudder while hugging his hoodie closer.

Winter was the season he really disliked.

The season always came wearing a gray and blue cloak, as if it was only made out of frozen sorrows and numbed feelings. The cloak would wrap itself around Namjoon and he'd feel even more out of it at times.

As if his own world wasn't as dull as the winter, a lot of the times, especially when he was left alone with his thoughts and his nose wasn't buried inside a book.

"How many jobs do you do in a day Yoongi?" The beer can in Hoseok's hand made a hissing sound as he opened it. "If you don't mind me asking, I'm genuinely curious."

Yoongi rocked lightly on his feet and Namjoon saw the thoughtful look on his face as he took a moment to answer.

"Three in most days. I have a cleaning job at a restaurant early in the morning. Evening to midnight at the convenience store. Three days a week I privately tutor a high school student and sometimes I do one time jobs when I'm free."

Namjoon had his fingers curled around the bottle and could feel the coldness passing to him, could see the dews forming on the surface of the bottle in beads. But his attention was diverted towards the conversation even though he wasn't actively participating in it.

"That's amazing! You must be making some good money. Especially with the tutor job? I heard those are pretty expensive."

Yoongi only hummed in Hoseok's triumphant response. The chatterbox continued, "It must be hard to do all those on top of university. I only helped a senior move out of his place today and I'm already bummed out, my muscles are tense."

"I thought you did part times too. I don't see you much in the dorm," Namjoon spoke for the first time in a while. His vision was bleary and he wondered if it was because of the lack of sleep.

"Ah, I'm just busy with university," Hoseok brushed it away with a hand gesture. "You know those journalism majors, we work for the school newspaper, monthly magazines and online pages. A lot of social work too."

"Sounds interesting," Yoongi piped as he took a light sip of his bear.

"Yeah, a bit. What about you? I heard sound engineering majors are really busy with all kinds of projects all the damn time."

Namjoon saw Yoongi's shoulders sink a bit more but there wasn't much change on his nonchalant face. "I took a semester off. And might again, it's a bit tough to juggle between work and studies."

"If you need a break, you should go for it. Your health matters the most," without any hesitation Namjoon spoke, as if the words were almost ready on his tongue. "Maybe you should take a rest. With the jobs, or university. If you can."

For a second Yoongi looked like he had wavered, a foreign glint on his eyes before he gazed down again. "It'll be hard to get a job on this sector if I keep taking time off. And I need the part times too."

"It must be your dream to be a sound engineer," Hoseok softly responded.

"A producer, if I can," Yoongi quickly fixed him.

In that Hoseok's eyes glimmered even in the dark. "That's amazing. I gave my major a chance without really thinking much."

"Are you not liking it now?" Namjoon asked him cautiously and Hoseok shrugged with his shoulders.

"It's not bad." He chugged down his bottle before giving a nod. "I like being busy."

There were always university students Namjoon would meet, liking their major or disliking it, having a dream or passion or just doing it to find a living. Namjoon did not know where he would categorize himself.

Or where he would put these two, Yoongi and Hoseok. Because at that moment Namjoon realized despite being in this bulletproof boy scouts dorm for a while, he did not know much about the two.

And here he had thought he was the only reticent person in the dorm. He had barely seen both inside, or outside anywhere.

Namjoon wondered if they had a wall built around them too.

"I believe you can achieve your dream, Yoongi. As Hoseok said, it is incredible, and to work towards achieving your dreams while you have so much on your plate is even more."

Namjoon didn't really know why Yoongi needed so much money, so many part times, but Yoongi must've had a good reason. "I hope you'll try your best and not give up. I'm rooting for your success."

"Dang," Hoseok gleefully retorted.

Yoongi's gaze flickered to Namjoon before dropping down again. "Thanks."

Namjoon could see Yoongi's shoulders less hunched, and more upward. "What about you?" Yoongi questioned unexpectedly.

"Yeah, you don't look okay, man. Is there anything bothering you?" Hoseok asked consequently.

Was anything bothering him? Maybe it was, because even standing there Namjoon was feeling that pull towards the toxic packet of Marlboros nestled inside his hoodie's pocket.

Namjoon thought to himself, if the words he had just said to Yoongi were slightly meant for himself too.

He certainly did not have a dream, but yes, the thought of going out of this country to visit more places rather than be bound in one place like his father was chained to the book store made him feel excited.

He wasn't content anymore just by reading books about different places. He wanted to go to those different places, and feel things himself.

For that he needed a profession, a side goal that looked more like a 'main' goal and getting a masters degree in University of California just guaranteed that.

Namjoon was good at talking, making people understand. If he tried, maybe he could persuade his mother too. Why did he not try then?

Maybe, it was actually him who was scared of failure.

Scared he would not be able to make it out there, because to him, it felt just like an interest not a dream. And he did not want to busk in disappointment rest of his life like his father.

For a few seconds, Namjoon really thought about pouring it all out to the boys that were waiting to listen.

Yet nothing really came out. He had been reserved for so long, that he could not break out of his shell.

At least he knew there could be actual people who would be interested in his monochrome and boring parts of life too, thus, Namjoon smiled. Even though his lips were so dry he thought his skin would crack and ooze out blood.

"Nothing's wrong. The weather is good today," Namjoon took a sip of the beer on his hand and looked up at the night sky.

He heard Hoseok cheering with a 'told you so', and Yoongi sighing with a 'but it's cold' as he stared up at the vast abyss that he'd often stare out from his window while lying down.

It did not feel like a pitch black hole today. There wasn't the fog coating it, instead, stars were strewn across the endless sky and they were glowing in warmth.

Radiating light even in the dull gray.


	17. Chapter 17

After a long, long shower Namjoon came out of the washroom scuffing a towel on his brunette hair.

It had been some time since he was not reeking of cigarettes. Namjoon could sense the fresh aroma of shampoo and bathing soap washing over him, his eyes stinging, the skin on his fingertips crinkling for stepping in the shower too long.

Last night he had not touched the packet of Marlboros.

It was sitting there on his studying table, unscathed. Namjoon couldn't help but bite on the nail of his thumb while he stared at it. And then he rotated his head around in circles, only to meet books strewn here and there, his bed unkempt and piles of novels scattered there, the bedside table dusted with ashes, his whole room, stained with ashes.

He smelled good but his room didn't. It was holding a past of him lying there doing nothing but smoking and reading for the last days.

Heaving an exasperated sigh Namjoon fixed on working on his bed first. Right after taking a step toward it he stepped back, turned to his study table and he picked up the packet of cigarettes.

Then he threw it onto the dustbin next to the table.

What if he got the urge to smoke again tonight? What if he could not help but leave the dorm when it was close to midnight only to buy a new pack?

The thoughts started to shroud around his brain but he shook it off.

He knew if he did not stop now he would become a chain smoker soon enough.

That was not going to solve his problems. It would give him a momentary phase of relief but his numbed thoughts would start to unfreeze again and they'd keep piling up inside his brain.

No matter how many times Namjoon had found himself slipping away, he picked himself up. Maybe not so strongly, maybe not so wholly.

It always hurt. Nonetheless, Namjoon knew he had himself.

Stars would always appear to brighten the night sky. If Namjoon did not have a star in his sky he would rather make one himself.

There was a newfound confidence in him after the revelation on the dorm's rooftop last night. Before the confidence too would become volatile and evaporate like that, Namjoon used it the best way possible.

He cleaned his room, though it wasn't an all and all success, the stains of cigarettes and coffee were practically stuck to the fabric of his bed so he decided to change the sheet to get over with it, only to realize the coffee stain had made its way onto the mattress beneath as well.

He tried to arrange the books too but there were so many he did not where to put them all. He tried, at least.

After all that he sat on his now kempt bed and decided to call his professor to make an appointment next day about the Masters application overseas.

He probably would have called his family too but then he realized he was a bit too excited mentally, yet too tired physically to make a long phone call and get himself into an argument that could possibly not go well for the other side.

Right then, there was a knocking sound heard on his door. He scuffled to open it and found Taehyung with his fist still raised in the air.

A boxy shaped grin immediately appeared on the blue head's face. "The landlord called maintenance over. There has been some problem with the gas pipe in the kitchen. Do you want to get barbeque outside for dinner? We are all pitching in."

"Everyone?" Namjoon shifted on his feet as he pondered over the idea. His short hair was still wet and was sticking to his forehead, Namjoon thought if it was the sweat from cleaning around. 

"For now Jimin and Jin hyung are going. Rest are not here so I have sent a text in our dorm's group chat."

Namjoon lightly nodded to himself. "Okay. Give me a few minutes."

It didn't take Namjoon more than five minutes to slip out of his loose trousers to wear a pair of jeans. While brushing his hair he did notice that albeit not looking like an utter shit like last night he still had pores and pimples glaring at him from the reflection. Grabbing his warmest jacket Namjoon left the dorm with the other three.

Evening was falling on the city outside, wrapping the surrounding in a gloomy blue cloak. The chilly air was seeping in through Namjoon's attire. He shuddered to himself but the other boys seemed alright.

Taehyung was beaming about the pink sweater with the seven purple hearts he was wearing to the rest. Though it did not look like his style and the sweater was too big for him, it still somehow fit him well.

"Thank you for letting me wear this, Jin hyung." Taehyung had the hems of his sleeves down to his fingers as he shook his paws in the air. "Next time, lend me your lipstick too. The cherry red color looks so good on you!"

Namjoon realized why it didn't look like Taehyung's style, because the sweater wasn't his. "Those are just tinted chap sticks," Jin scoffed in reply.

"It does match you, hyung," Jimin said in a low voice. Namjoon saw the pink hues on Jin's cheeks, though he could not tell if he was really blushing or it was the makeup. Jin seemed like he had started to use a light amount of makeup before going out, for a while.

It indeed suited him well. Before that too, Namjoon always thought Jin was one of the most handsome people he had seen here.

"I could help you dye your hair in exchange of that! I know where to buy hair dyes that are cheap in price but last a long while," Taehyung excitedly announced.

"What hair color do you think would look good on me?" Jin asked back.

"Brunette, I think." Taehyung had a knowing look on his face. "Blonde would look good on you too."

The eldest let out a fit of laughter. "I don't think I can do that but sounds good."

"What about me?" Jimin piped in. "What hair colour do you think will match me?"

Namjoon had walked further ahead of them by then. The last thing he heard was Taehyung saying "orange", it rung a bell inside his brain. Then he looked up and he saw it.

He saw orange.

Maple leaves adoring the branches of the tree that was casting shadow upon the street, and fallen, dried leaves carpeting the gravel as well. Even in the blue evening they were burning like flames, yet so gently. Juxtaposed with the charcoal of the street and azure of the coming night.

"Namjoon," Jin came and stood beside him.

It was like walking down the lane of older memories. Memories of the time when it wasn't so cold and dry, but it would pour April showers and soak the city in tears of the sky.

Namjoon remembered standing right here with Jin when the maple tree wasn't orange, and, an aghast expression was on Jin's face, his eyes filled with sorrows.

A lot unlike today's Jin who had a small smile playing on his full lips. His face glowing as if the knitted, brown colored pullover clad on his body was radiating light.

"I've got something for you, if you won't mind." Jin pulled something out of his pocket and gave it to Namjoon who took it from his hands.

From approximate distance voices of Taehyung and Jimin could be heard, bickering between themselves. Namjoon saw it was a small box and then he held it close to his eyes.

"Nicotine chewing gums."

"You've been smoking a lot these days. And you've been looking sick too. I was... I was a bit worried, I guess. It's okay if you don't want to use them. The smell does not bother me. I can close my windows, I'm just worried about you."

Jin was stammering in his words and after the 'windows' part, Namjoon looked up. Jin knew, all these time he knew Namjoon smoked.

The English major had forgotten Jin and he had aligned windows. He couldn't imagine how much the stench had caused Jin trouble because he always smoked near the opened window.

"I researched that these can help one quit smoking. So if you ever want to..." Jin trailed off and let out a huff of breath next. "If you ever want to quit on your own according. I'm not pushing you. As I've said, the smell does not bother me. It's your health that seems like it's falling apart."

It was him that was falling apart. Namjoon was surprised that Jin could notice that.

"Thank you." Namjoon gave him a cursory nod before putting the small box inside his jacket's pocket. "I'll use them."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a cow," Taehyung's loud voice made him look at the duo approaching them.

"Keep your mouth wide open like that and even a spaceship could enter it," Jimin smirked from the side.

"Oh boy, let's get to the restaurant before these two start again," Jin commented as he slid himself between the other two.

Namjoon shivered a little again with a gust of wind rushing past. Autumn seemed like it hadn't bid a farewell yet, unlike what Namjoon had thought.

The dreary and long winter was nearing. However, Namjoon felt like he could maybe survive it better this time.


	18. Chapter 18

Night had drawn on but the barbeque place was bustling with energy in the corner where they were sitting.

Namjoon felt it a bit tiresome to be accompanying such energized bunch yet he found himself immersed in Taehyung and Jungkook bickering between themselves, and Jin feeding Jimin most of the good parts of the meat saying how the latter had grown thinner since he first came to the dorm.

"Is that Dior you are wearing?" Taehyung pointed to Jungkook's T-shirt with psychedelic prints all over it. "The watch in your hand looks expensive too."

"I don't steal your clothes anymore, do I?" Jungkook had a mischievous smirk on his face. Namjoon noted that it had been some time the youngest had 'accidentally' stole his outfits too.

"And you were in the dorm when we left. Where have you been getting the goods? And what do you do in your room with the laptop all day to not notice we were leaving?" Taehyung complained with a frown on his face.

"Earning money," the youngest chimed as he put a lettuce in his mouth using his barehand. "You won't understand."

"Working online? Thanks, I'm not interested either way," Taehyung sneered before turning to Jimin who had his mouth filled with food. "And you! You barely have time for me because you're always with that Sangah girl."

"Sangah?" Jin spoke amused.

Jimin quickly gulped down the food in his mouth. "Come on, I am always eating lunch with you. And I'm practically in the dorm the whole day. When did I not have time for you?"

"Who's Sangah? The girl with eyes like this?" Jungkook put his index fingers on the corner of his eyes and stretched the skin.

"Yes, the slanted cat eyes girl." Taehyung nodded to him and then he turned to the shorter again. "I won't be surprised if you two start dating soon."

A tinted hue spread over Jimin's fluffy cheeks. "She's just my friend. Why would I date her? You're giving me a migraine, Taehyung."

Suddenly it surged through Namjoon's brain, that he had broken the shorter's glasses months ago. "Jimin!" The brunette called out. "I broke your specs right? You said it helped reducing your migraine. Can you tell me what brand it was? I'll buy it for you."

"I can't believe you remembered that after months." Jin laughed out loud. "How about the handle of my frypan you broke last year? Where is the compensation for that?"

Namjoon felt himself deflating in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I totally forgot. I'll buy a new one for you."

"You don't have to." Jin brushed it off with his hand. "I was just joking." There was a cheeky smile on his face and Namjoon asked himself if Jin ever looked so joyful before.

"You don't have to buy the glasses for me too, hyung," Jimin scratched the back of his head with a shy look on his face. "Those were cheap. And I already bought new ones."

Namjoon again asked himself if Jimin felt so carefree before too. He always had a rigid, tight aura around him, as if he couldn't let himself dissolve in the new atmosphere.

Now Jin and Jimin both felt like they had found a new self and, Taehyung looked happier with their company. Namjoon mentally noted too, that he'd spend more time with the rest in the dorm.

"Can we go home soon? I'm a little tired," a meek voice spoke softly from the side. No one else noticed but Namjoon.

What he met with was Hoseok, his shoulders slumped and a forlorn expression on his face. Under his curls a pallid face could be seen as he was looking down, poking on his food with his chopsticks.

Namjoon could feel his eyebrows knit, he had never seen Hoseok like this, ever. The time Hoseok would spend with them he'd always be the brightest, most cheerful among the group.

The quietest would be Yoongi, who wasn't here.

"Are you okay, Hoseok?" As soon as Namjoon asked all attention were driven to Hoseok and the said boy looked up.

"I am...," he trailed off, his incredulous pair of eyes noticing every other pair that were staring up to him.

"You don't look okay, hyung," Taehyung retorted.

"Are you feeling sick?" Jin asked.

Hoseok ran a hand over his curly locks, looking ahead in the distance absentmindedly. "Don't worry about me. It's nothing."

"You sure, it's nothing?" Namjoon found himself asking carefully.

The disdain in the Journalism major's face turned into a grimace, his teeth gritting and jaw clenched. "I told you it's nothing. It's probably because I lost my ear buds, I don't know, okay?"

The scowl on his face dissolved into the forlorn face the very second, so fast that Namjoon thought if he was only imagining Hoseok acting up. Nonetheless, it shocked him, scared him a little too.

"I just, I'll get more food. I'll feel better if I eat more." Hoseok got up and went to the counter to place more orders.

The palpable tension in the table could be cut with a knife. So it wasn't only Namjoon who saw that. He did not imagine the sudden change in Hoseok.

"I told you Jimin-ah, sometimes Hoseok hyung acts scary," Taehyung's voice trembled a little, trying to cut the silence yet only folding into it.

"I thought he only acted up when he was drunk," Jimin murmured.

The rest were quiet. Until Jin spoke up, "Let's forget it... Taehyung, you were telling us something?"

"Yeah." Taehyung shot up in his position. "I don't think I can ever date someone. I just don't feel the tension, I've tried before. Sometimes I think I might be asexual, or aromantic, if what that's called?"

Jungkook and Jimin snorted from their seats making the blue hair frown. "Or you could be demisexual too. Meaning, you just haven't found the right one for you," Namjoon said.

Taehyung shrugged, but had a thoughtful expression on his face.

Jin again spoke up, "So you're the amoeba?"

The two boys, Jungkook and Jimin cackled louder. This time, Namjoon couldn't help but laugh a little too, though soon he sobered up.

"Not that I'm saying anything is wrong with amoeba. Amoebas are cool," Jin immediately added, a serious expression on his features. "Finding your sexual orientation is hard, Taehyung. You can get confused, and you will. Maybe, for a long time. But someday, you'll have that realization. And you'll learn to accept yourself too."

Namjoon's heart tugged hearing Jin's confidence voice. He was feeling proud, somehow really proud of the elder.

"You seem like you know a lot, Jin hyung." Taehyung's eyes sparkled. Jin busied himself cooking up the barbeque without giving an answer.

"What's going on here! Are you sunshines talking about dating again?" Hoseok came and sat down with a new tray of fresh meat and other spices in his hands. A bright and merry grin on his face. "This one's on me!"

"Hoseok hyung is the best!" Taehyung cheered, with that everyone seemingly forgot what had happened before with Hoseok.

Though it rested on the back of Namjoon's mind. And he knew it would on others too.

After a lot of bickering from Jungkook, Taehyung and sometimes Hoseok and Jimin adding in, long spiels about the food from Jin, and his occasional jokes, and eating up until there was no space for more food, they decided to leave.

It was already close to midnight. The autumn air outside was chilly, yet Namjoon felt warm with the other boys. Under the vast sky with stars adorning it like the freckles dotted on a teenage girl's chubby cheeks, or the maple leaves that were on the charcoal of the street, Namjoon walked and wanted (a little) that the road would never end.

The road ended, however. While they walked on to the porch of the bulletproof boy Scout's dorm Namjoon noticed a girl with a scarf around her neck standing outside by the gate.

Taehyung seemed like had noticed too. "What's she doing here, at this late of the night?"

The others turned around. Jungkook carefully hiding behind Namjoon's back and Jimin holding a palm close to his eyes. "Isn't that the girl we once saw before?"

"It must be so cold standing there. Is she here for any of us?" Jin shoot a question and Hoseok shrugged with his shoulder in response.

The girl turned about and started to walk away, ever so slowly, before she turned her head back once again and looked at them from afar.

"Jungkook?" Namjoon voiced out, the said boy shook his head frantically in negative.

"Yoongi hyung." Taehyung smirked, the fluorescent light of the porch directly over his head. "I saw him with her before once."

"Wow. Never knew even he could score someone," Jin opened the lock of the front door as he said.

"At the end only I'm gonna be alone." Hoseok sighed entering.

Taehyung put a hand on the curly hair's back before he followed. "Don't worry, hyung. Same here. Probably."

"Why didn't Yoongi come today?" Namjoon asked Jimin as the shorter was the last one with him outside.

"He said one of his family members fell sick. He went back to Daegu for a day," Jimin answered, Namjoon nodded.

The breeze was getting colder with the night delving into a deeper state. Yet for a few seconds Namjoon stood outside alone, looking up to the sky full of stars above.

A smile played on his lips. If he did not have a star in his sky he would rather make one.

Or maybe, he did have seven stars, including his. Because when with these boys, his mundane and lackluster life felt like it had colours, vivid colours like the journey to the distant lands he'd often wander off to in his head.

\---  
A/n: who's next?


	19. Chapter 19

YOONGI was shivering in cold.

Winter had finally wrapped her icy fingers around the city and breathing frost on the already heavy shoulders of the burdened people. Not a single space under the night sky was saved from the glacial figure that had her cloak carpeted in every corner.

Yoongi was already bony, his body was thin with practically no meat. The padded jacket was not saving him from the iciness that was seeping through the material and holding on his ribcage, knocking on his lungs.

His teeth were clattering, little puffs of fog coming out of his mouth with every exhale. His hands were folded under his armpits as he was walking with his head low. Midnight sky hung above his head but his eyes were on the gravel of the road.

The evening shift at the convenience store was the easiest job for him, even though it had him standing alone behind the counter until the hands of the clock reached twelve.

He would yawn and he would yearn for a space to let his body fall, just sleep, peacefully even for a minute, despite it all, at least he did not have a manager scowling and screaming at everyone's ears, including his nonstop like his morning job at the restaurant.

Comparing to the mayhem he'd witness early in the morning, the job in the store was a haven. He'd be able to study when there wouldn't be any customers, the job itself wasn't so hard to follow, sometimes he could listen to music too and when he was lucky enough he'd even be able to doze off a little.

"Hey!" A loud shrill made Yoongi flinch as if someone had just poured a bucket of ice on him, that too wasn't so farfetched because it was indeed too cold for his liking out here.

It was Hoseok, his thick jacket zipped up to his chin. With every ragged breath, clouds of fog emitted from his mouth. "Coming back from your job?"

"Yeah." Yoongi faced down again, his shoulders curling inward. As if making his body smaller than it already was, would give him some form of warmth.

He really just wanted to go back to the dorm and lay down on his bed, even though the empty bed would be freezing too, he could make it warm with his blankets.

"I was out for a jog. God damn, is it too cold this year!" Hoseok whistled from his side.

The thought of running around in a lone neighbourhood at this temperature and such late at night, did not sit so well with Yoongi. Yet he did not question him, Hoseok answered himself.

"I feel like I've gained some weight again. Plus the walking clears my mind!"

From his slumped position while taking slow footsteps, Yoongi turned and glanced at Hoseok for a second. He did not see any extra weight the taller lad was talking about.

Yoongi went back to looking down again, suddenly a thought hitting him in the brain, asking him if he had dinner tonight. In all honesty, he could not remember.

The last thing he recalled was eating a cup of instant noodles at afternoon, after that- perhaps nothing. Yoongi noted that he'd definitely eat a little more tomorrow because his body was becoming so gaunt and he knew a weak vessel would not let him work so much.

Right now all he wanted was to lay on his bed. Food could come later.

"Who's that?" A soft whisper made Yoongi snap out from his numbed thoughts to realize they had already reached the dorm. The two storied building looming over them in the dark.

Other than that, a black car and a silhouette of a woman stood outside.

Nam Yejoo, an immediate thought came but returned right away when he realized the woman had longer hair and looked like she was at her mid thirties.

Yoongi breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Do you know her?" Hoseok said standing there while the dark figure from a few feet ahead took small steps beside the car, walking to the left then turning and walking back to the right, and it went on.

The shorter shrugged with his shoulders in response, his naked fingers grasping on the warm cloth under his armpits for some heat to spread there, his palms were freezing.

"Should we go and ask her if she's looking for someone in the dorm?" Hoseok said in a low voice. Yoongi did not know how to answer.

Apart from the constant calling from his bed, this did not seem like a good idea. Because the stranger beside the expensive car standing in a mere dress even in this cold night gave him an uneasy feeling.

This wasn't just for the below zero temperature, Yoongi knew the uncomfortable feeling he was getting right now was partly because of the strange woman too.

Then a sudden splash of water came, like rainfall- a sudden drizzle.

But it only fell on the woman which made her flinch before looking up. Quickly then she got inside the car and drove off, in mere seconds.

The woman was not the only person to be startled because from Yoongi's side Hoseok had jumped three feet high.

"What's the landlord doing!" Hoseok shouted and the waterfall that was pouring from the rooftop stopped abruptly.

"P-probably watering his plants?" Yoongi tried to make sense of the situation but he couldn't really. Looking up, it was so dark that nothing could be seen to comprehend better.

"At this late? Geez!" Hoseok sneered before taking long strides towards the front gate of the bulletproof boy scout dorm.

Yoongi followed slowly from behind. Finally he could go to his room and lay on his bed.

The dorm was deep in slumber just like rest of the neighbourhood. In the dark only a sliver of the streetlight outside was poking in through Jimin's curtain and the glowing moon and star stickers Jimin had recently bought and hung up in the ceiling illuminated the room, at the same time made it darker.

Jimin was snoring in his bed peacefully, the sound very low but buzzing around the confined walls. Yoongi carefully changed and climbed up to his bunker bed as silently as he could.

His bed was just as cold as he thought it would be. The sheet felt like it was woven out of prickly ice itself and now clawing on his back like thousands of needles. Hugging his blanket tighter Yoongi tossed to the side.

His phone was by his head and he knew it would run an alarm just at five fifteen in the morning, and he also knew he would wake up fifteen minutes earlier anyway just to shut off the alarm and get ready for his job.

The brain inside his head had created an alarm on itself. Calculating that he had less than five hours of sleep now Yoongi tightly closed his eyes, his body curled up in a foetal position and the blanket wrapping him up from head to toe.

How was it like to yarn for something all day, then have it, but not be able to enjoy it anyway.

Because all day Yoongi had only thought about his bed, thought how he only needed a little more sleep. That after just a quick and warm nap he'd feel better and more energized.

Now that he was on his bed, his head was running thoughts on how much job he'd need to do tomorrow, this week, this month. How much money he could make this month, how much time would it all leave him to study to achieve his dreams, how less money he could spend on himself.

His dreams.

Yoongi was thirteen when his father started becoming sick, later he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

Yoongi was fifteen when his father got bedridden and their already small book publishing company went bankrupt.

Yoongi was twenty six now and there was no scope for his life long dream to work in the music industry, yet he was chasing after it.

Running after the butterfly that was beating its wings and flying further away, getting smaller with distance.

It was making him more tired. Tired- that's what he was. He was tired, so god damn tired with life.

Nonetheless, he was still there, still lying on his bed hoping to sleep when he knew the next day would be the same day, repeating again, and again, and again.

He was so darned tired. Yet sleep did not visit him for another lonely hour.


	20. Chapter 20

There could be days when it would feel like time was passing too fast with an ominous future's footfalls rushing in. Foreboding and bringing nothing but misery.

And there could be days when it would feel time was going slower than an old man walking down the road with arthritis. Excruciatingly painful, still, filled with misery.

Time was relative as per Einstein's theory and Yoongi knew better of it.

His nights would always go maddeningly slow, thoughts provoking his brain to keep him up. And when he'd close his eyes, it would go fast, a nagging feeling always present that he had to run. He had no scope to just sit, just breathe.

The earphones on Yoongi played fall out boy but he wasn't particularly listening to the music, nor was he really reading through his assignment. He wasn't eating too, he knew he had to because the lunch before him was getting cold. At that moment, Yoongi was dozing out, being in his own head space and being nowhere at the same time.

Yoongi really wanted some sleep. A little more of sleep, just a little more.

"Hyung, can I sit here?" Yoongi looked up to find a boyish grin, head filled with sweat, clad in a sports trouser and shoes. Jungkook sat before him with his tray, without hearing a response.

By then Yoongi had plucked out his earphones and focused on his papers instead, the metal chopsticks clanking against the bawls knocking on his ears.

Yoongi felt dizzy, the bustling cafeteria was filled with a cacophonous noise and even amidst that Yoongi could shove his tray aside and let his head rest until it wouldn't feel so heavy.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you." Jungkook's voice reached him again. "I always see you at this hour and you always look really busy, hyung."

Through half lidded eyes Yoongi looked up at the boy, filled with youth and saved from all the burden, just like the others around Jungkook's age.

"I like eating at the engineering cafeteria because there aren't many girls here." Jungkook gulped down some of the food, his voice an octave lower and then he stared up with his eyes doe. "Oh, sorry hyung. I'm disturbing you with my chitchat."

Yoongi only responded with a shaking of his head, even though his neck hurt. He was exhausted beyond point, drowsy and drained.

He had the tutoring job right after lunch and that thought was nagging him again, telling him to stay awake, stay present. Even though he could barely manage, even though he could feel himself drowning in an abyss with the weight in his shoulders pulling him down.

The figure he had seen the other night showed up in his hazy memory, a strange woman loitering outside the dorm, pacing back and forth. He wondered if he should ask Jungkook, since the only other dorm-mate he had seen since that day was the basketball major, sitting with him.

However, he chose not to. Instead he sunk in the abyss once again, asking himself when did that incident really occur?

When had he seen that woman? Was it the previous night? Or the night before that? Or was it last week?

Yoongi scrunched up his eyebrows in thought. Everyday was the same, the same banal days repeating over and over. Making Yoongi more jaded, more worn out with each day passing by.

His memories had started to fog. When was the last time he really had a moment to himself? When he laughed? Or simply cried? Or ate anything good?

Or just enjoyed living?

Ten years in his life had passed by so fast yet so painfully slow, from his father being bedridden to him now sitting at the cafeteria poking on his lunch with his chopsticks.

Where was Yoongi's days of youth? From fifteen years of age to twenty six he had only survived, nothing else.

Again, time was relative and always would be.

What if his whole life would go by like this? Someday, he'd be seventy and he'd still look back to find no joyful memories of youth.

What then?

The unnecessary thoughts could pummel him down to the earth, albeit Yoongi knew it was the harsh truth. Gravity felt like it had a stronger pull when Yoongi found himself before his student when afternoon was at its full glow, the wintery air not retreating even with that.

Yoongi's eyelids were so heavy he could barely keep them open, he could barely keep his head from smashing on the study table.

When would this end?

Why wouldn't this end?

Would it actually feel better if it all just ended?

"Oppa?" A mellow voice whispered from close. Yoongi thought he was still at the boisterous cafeteria during lunch hour, but it was Nam Yejoo, his student sitting next to him as she was chewing at the bottom of her pencil.

Yoongi squinted his eyes close and opened them again, a hand meeting the back of his stiff neck, the strands of his hair kissing his fingers. He needed a haircut.

"You fell asleep again. I finished the math questions a few minutes ago." The short haired girl pushed her notebook towards him.

Yoongi stared at the equations, the lines blurry through his eyes. Maybe it was because of the cold that Yoongi was feeling more tired than usual, because the frosty air was pushing on his shoulders.

"Did you call me oppa?" Yoongi spoke, his voice gruff and his eyes still on the notebook. He could feel Yejoo shift in her seat uncomfortably.

"You heard that?" She asked bemused.

"I was not sleeping, Yejoo." Yoongi turned to her, and he knew his tired eyes were as stern as a layer of ice right then, as if they were in a competition with winter herself. "I told you to address me as your teacher."

Yeojoo looked down, hands clasped together over the wooden table and her thumb scratching on the surface of the other. "Sorry," she said through her pursed lip.

"Now." Yoongi pushed the notebook back to her, red circles dotted on the pages. "You made some easy mistakes. You need to concentrate a little more. Your entrance exams are right here."

Yoongi massaged his temples, eyelids closing off again involuntarily. "I..., I really think you should go for the medical sector. You're better in biology related subjects, and you're better at memorising than solving equations."

He could tell the nineteen year old girl's eyes were getting filled with tears as he spoke. There was no better answer than this. It couldn't be more clearcut that Yejoo shouldn't pursue Engineering just because Yoongi was an engineering student.

And Yejoo shouldn't pursue him too because both were out of her reach.

Yoongi was out of his own reach. This girl knew better, even then, why did she covet for him?

Why did Yoongi desire to achieve his dream too when he could be surviving on scrapes till he was seventy, till his deathbed even?

The nagging thoughts were there again, same thoughts that would keep him awake at night.

Later Yoongi staggered out of Yejoo's room, wearing his padded jacket to embrace the harsh winter outside, albeit he wasn't ready. He would never be ready for such a low temperature that would make his bones rattle.

"Teach, you're done for the day?" Before he could open the front door a middle aged woman with her hair tied in a bun quickly approached him.

"You tutored only for an hour today! You know, her exams are right around the corner and I wish you could spend a bit more time," she complained with a frown on her face. Yoongi's grip on the handle got tighter, he was paid for an hour and he did not have much than a minute to spare.

His evening job at the convenience store was waiting for him.

"Please think about it, teach." A forced smile made it to her red lips. Yoongi only nodded.

"And eat a little more too, you're all skin and bones. You look so pale!" Her voice reached higher, hands maneuvering in the air exaggeratedly.

But Yoongi was always pale. His time and patience, both were wearing thin, before the conversation could lead to a dinner invitation with the Nam family he bowed and stepped outside the apartment.

He immediately missed the conditioned air, the warmth of the heater when he got off the lift and chill air outside whispered on his naked ears, sending a shiver down his spine.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and with trembling hands he checked to see that Yejoo's mother had just wired the pay for this month to his bank account. Adding a, 'please eat something delicious, teach' in a text message.

When was the last time he had eaten something good?

Shoving his cellphone inside his pocket he walked, and walked, the road seeming like it was never ending. The winter giving him a feeling that would never end either.

The money they had wired in his account would be gone the next morning, Yoongi knew. His brother was graduating middle school, he needed money for tuition, his father needed medicine, their house mortgage still hadn't been paid off, their debts from going bankrupt was still chasing them around, Yoongi's student loan was still haunting him. It would really take years to pay them off.

Would sleeping a little more make him feel better?

If he just laid on a bed with a warm blanket and a full stomach and just, slept, for the new few hours, or a few days, would it be better?

Or if he slept and never woke up?

With Yoongi's eyes low and back leaning forward to walk faster through the icy and suffocating atmosphere, Yoongi could focus on his gray converses that were once white.

Worn out, tattered and torn just like him.

Why was he running with his feet filled with all these scars? Wounds that might never heal, yet he was running. And he kept running.


	21. Chapter 21

Dreams were becoming elusive every day and sleep was out of reach. Yoongi was seated on his bed at an ungodly hour, close to midnight, he assumed. The room was dark but everything was visible for the shower of the streetlight outside pouring in through the window. Jimin probably had forgotten to draw the curtains.

Hitherto, Yoongi had come back to the dorm earlier than usual. The weather was cold, temperature now reaching where it would storm sprinkles of snow soon, albeit that was not the case why he had left soon. Yoongi had an assignment due tomorrow and he needed at least two hours to finish it.

Time had drifted deeper into the night and Yoongi was nowhere near done. In fact, he hadn't even touched his laptop since he got home more than two hours ago. Maybe because he wanted to jot down a few ideas first so that his notebook was resting on his lap, a pen limply hanging between his index and thumb.

Maybe, that was the case, though, Yoongi could scarcely remember. Time was pacing a bit faster today or so it seemed. Yoongi was exhausted beyond point but he found himself still staring at the distance. Maybe he was looking at the radiant stickers on the ceiling, or the silhouette of the fluorescent lamp outside, he couldn't tell.

The confined space was warm with the heater on but Yoongi felt cold, he didn't try to elude it either way. He embraced it with his back leaning on the wall behind him, everything felt numbed, barren and desolated.

It was astonishing how his brain wasn't producing any thoughts. It was static, dull like Pluto who had perished long ago and now was nothing but a dead planet in the vast sky.

At least, its name remained. Would Yoongi's?

The freezing night was stagnant around him and he fell into the lethargy, a state of apathy and felt as if he was an indolent character. What if it ended like this, right now? Would that be so bad?

Because Yoongi had been skating on a layer of thin ice that was so frail and could barely hold on, and he had been running on it alone for so long, so damn long that his shoes were now torn and the ice made his haggard feet bleed. He could no longer care if the layer crumpled under his burdensome weight.

He could plummet into the oblivion and remain as a perished planet, which did not seem like such a bad idea.

His heart felt stale, finally surrendering.

A vice grip was around his throat, a lump forming in his esophagus.

Yoongi did not think he would cry, he could not remember the last time he did, for his eyes had been so jaded and sleep deprived over the years he wondered if his tear ducts had run dry.

That's why Yoongi could not believe his own ears when he uttered a choked up sob that came from deep within the pit of his stomach.

He straightened up, fingers curling around the pen in his hand. Rapidly breathing he realized his vision was getting bleary, no longer could he focus anywhere in the blur.

Darkness followed with agonized whimpers, sobs and sniffles. He did not know if this was really a part of him, but he could not control himself.

Tears flowed down his eyes like a torrential pour and cries emitted from his bleak heart.

He bent his upper half, trying to stifle the loud cries as he tenaciously gripped on the pen, so hard that he knew the material would leave an imprint on the inside of his palm. His brain had reached delirium and only hysteric outcries could come out.

Haphazardly Yoongi wiped his eyes, but immediately he felt a rush of warm tears streaming down his cold skin.

He could feel the groaning of his heart die down as swiftly as it came but his chest was still swelled in pain. So he grabbed on his flimsy shirt where his heart laid and his other hand with the pen reached for the empty notebook on his lap.

Yoongi was chewing on his bottom lip so hard that he could feel the metallic taste of blood inside his mouth, his bony arms were quivering nonstop when he wrote the first line.

'I can have a taste of failure and frustration and bow my head'

He stopped biting on his lips and stared at the line for a second. He had only written it on impulse, unlike how he would write his lyrics but he knew the truth on this.

The next second he spend staring at his sickly pale arms, not really focusing on it. He was feeling dejected again, but somehow this was better than the state of mind he had been to before his breakdown. Yoongi grabbed the pen again.

'We are still young and immature, don't even worry about it

Moss surely grows on a stone that doesn't roll'

The next lines came to him faster, pen swiftly dancing on the white paper now stained with ink. Only scribbles were heard in the silent atmosphere.

'If you can't return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all

Never mind

It's not easy but engrave it onto your chest

If you feel like you're going to crash then accelerate more, you idiot

Come on'

What time was it? Two in the morning or three? Yoongi surely wouldn't have enough time to rest, again and he wouldn't get to finish his assignment either but none of that bothered him.

The delirium within him had now morphed into a state of equilibrium, Yoongi only found himself staring at the newly written lines with no thoughts in his head, until he heard a small voice.

"H-hyung, are you okay up there?

Jimin. Yoongi knew already still he peered his head from above to see the boy standing there in his sleeping pajamas, hair askew to every direction and eyes wide.

Even in the low light Yoongi could see Jimin visibly gulp. "I was here all the time, but I did not know how to approach you when you were crying, I..., I think you were. Are you alright, hyung?"

Yoongi couldn't say anything in reply, he could hear the hesitation in Jimin's voice and he asked himself how uncomfortable it might had been for the lad.

To his surprise, Jimin spoke again, "Will it be okay if I come up there?"

Yoongi stayed silent, and Jimin started climbing up his bunk bed after a second of waiting down there. In no time, Jimin was situated beside him. First the younger boy gave him a quick glance then stared away. Yoongi made space for him, the small bed was always too big for Yoongi anyway.

His pen and notebook were protectively hidden by his other side, where Jimin couldn't see. There was a pregnant pause in the chilly air before Jimin spoke again.

"Is anything bothering you, hyung?"

Yoongi couldn't recall when Jimin and he had a proper conversation, even though it had been ere long since Jimin joined his room. Yoongi was too occupied with his jobs, even when he was here he would be buried in his laptop and cheap Americanos to finish his school work.

However, the older boy did recall Jimin often crying by himself when he first came here, when it wasn't so cold but the weather was warm with sudden downpours. Yoongi always let him be, or left the room as he thought it would be awkward for the younger one to cry before a stranger.

Now that he had Jimin by his side, looking up at him with ample attention, Yoongi realized it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable.

Someone was cheering for him from the audience seat by the ice rink, though a glass separated him from Yoongi and he couldn't really help physically, the voice was reaching to him. Giving him strength to skate some more.

"I just... I can't sleep."

I want to die.

I want my father to die too.

I want this to end for all.

Yoongi couldn't say any of it, though the annoying inner voice pricked him again. Wanting his father to die was the thought he had first gotten more than a month ago when he left for Daegu. He remembered the boys of the dorm texting him for a barbeque dinner but here he was, sitting beside his father's ill body.

For some reason, at that moment he really wished his father would die. The torture was painful, not only for his father but everyone else in the family.

And when he had this thought again, he didn't feel much remorse, even though he should be. Yoongi was numbed.

"I look at the small galaxy on the ceiling when I can't sleep, sometimes I count to thousand backwards, sometimes I listen to calm lofi music or try to mediate..." Jimin was rambling on with his nervous and quiet voice, in an effort to soothe Yoongi.

"Jimin, would tomorrow be better?" Yoongi suddenly said, halting the boy in his track.

Jimin looked perplexed, as if he did not know what to say, though he made an attempt anyway. "I don't know, none can ever tell. We can live in the moment at least, pasts are always filled with regret and futures are worrisome. Present is better."

Yoongi glanced at the dark haired boy who still had baby fat in his cheeks, his lips were plump and eyes were filled with colors. When Jimin stopped the boy himself didn't seem much convinced by his own words.

Living in the present? How could one relish in the present with so much burden in their already broken shoulders?

When Yoongi thought more about it, he was pulled back to the times when he perhaps had the chance to luxuriate a little. When he joined a drinking party with the other six when Jimin first arrived, or when Namjoon found him often in the library and showed great interest in his field though it was so different than his subject, when Jin tried making new dishes and left some for him in the refrigerator, when Hoseok conversed with him over bottles of beer Yoongi never touched, When Taehyung complained to him about Jimin though Yoongi showed close to no interest- there just wasn't anyone else in the dorm so Taehyung had turned to him, or when Jungkook tried to join him in the cafeteria.

There could be numerous examples like this. Yoongi could barely think anymore, as his eyes were closing off on their own, the boy beside him deep in slumber minutes ago.

Maybe Yoongi was immature to chase after his dream, maybe he was delusional to still skating on the thin layer of frost.

Even though his path was filled with thorn, he wanted to run. And when he wouldn't be able to run, he would crawl.

After some time, Yoongi fell into a repose. He did not wake up even when his morning job called for him at six AM.


	22. Chapter 22

Would sleep make things better?

Would time make it better?

After almost sixteen hours of sleep Yoongi still felt like he was withering away like the dulled afternoon that was falling into the arms of a blue evening.

An evening filled with coldness, the air stiff around the city who itself had frozen up, the sterile winter occasionally sighing on Yoongi's shoulders.

The streets were barren without any people passing by. Yoongi walked and walked with his eyes fixated on his tattered converses, beaten with time just like him.

Why was he here? Walking around mindlessly?

He was absent both physically and mentally. Absent from work and university too. His lethargic brain or physique could barely care anymore.

Hands were cold, fingers were numbed, his pallid face dead under the freezing weather. Maybe he should buy new converses? Should he?

His family needed that money. Just when Yoongi thought he couldn't care less he had found himself back to square one and back before the gate of their dorm. The sky had bathed itself in azure now, solemn and dark.

Yoongi noticed the female figure standing outside the rusted, metal gate. A girl with a red scarf around her neck and a bag in her hands.

Yejoo was slightly trembling in cold, red lips quivering, with her every breath a puff of smoke came out and embraced her scarf. She tucked a strand of her shoulder-length hair behind her ear when Yoongi stood before her.

A defeaning silence fell. The girl looked away. "Mom made some dumplings today and wanted to share with you. I called, your number was out of reach."

Yoongi's phone was dead and out of battery, lying on his cold bed in his room. He didn't bother to plug it with the charger.

When she held out the bag, a basket with a orange colored clothing wrapping it in, now that Yoongi had noticed, he realized too how unusually pale she looked. Her face gray and chalked under the weather.

"You should go home," he murmured taking in the bag. Her cold fingers brushed his own and she immediately didn't retrieve it but her hand lingered there, skin on skin.

"I will choose to be a med student," her voice wavered and she took her hands back, clasping them in front of her while looking down.

A flake of snow fell down from the azure sky to her hair, more followed. Yoongi sighed and wondered why it did not make him feel anything when he saw a silent tear roll down her pale cheek.

Yoongi really was becoming numb, just as bleak as the winter. Then he remembered himself crying out of hysteria last night and thought, maybe not.

He wasn't becoming ice cold yet. "You shouldn't come here either. One of my dorm mates are afraid of girls." And it's an inconvenience on itself, he didn't say it aloud. He was already harsh he knew, but he couldn't help it.

Life had its rough, skeletal fingers gripping on his throat every second of the day for almost a decade, Yoongi couldn't even try and be more civil than this.

"I won't." A whimper followed. Yejoo turned and left hastily, as if standing in front of him another second would bring a disaster.

Yoongi knew that maybe she would cry today too, but it was for the better. Life was always cruel, no one ever gets what they want.

The snow fell shyly, first time of the winter which in later days would turn hostile. Like Yejoo constantly blushing in front of Yoongi when he first started tutoring her a few months ago, her writing their names together in the back of her notebooks which Yoongi ignored despite accidentally seeing it, then it turning into a passionate infatuation of the teen years where she would find herself making her adoration visible.

Maybe Yoongi should've put an end to it when he first realized her fondness towards him.

He thought he didn't care but here he was.

Inside the dorm it was warm and full of light that reflected on the tiled floor and wooden walls, unlike the icy atmosphere outside. An aroma of freshly made food wafted inside and Yoongi noticed Jin working behind the kitchen stove, Jimin and Taehyung by his sides.

As Yoongi made his way forward and placed the orange bag on the dinner table the other boys turned to him. A sheen of sweat glistening on Jin's forehead but his full lips were pulled into a smile. "Good thing you're present today. I'm making dumplings for the cold weather."

"He's teaching us how to cook dumplings!" Taehyung beamed, his youthful face filled with glory just like Jimin's.

Yoongi silently unwrapped the colored satin to reveal a bambood cascate and Jimin and Taehyung both squealed out loud, Jin shrieked as well, "We are going to have a feast tonight!"

Later in the evening the weather got colder, a blizzard was passing by and the news constantly talking about it. Seemed like the snow had broken its shy barrier already.

The boys were huddled together in the dining table. Inside it was warm, the food even warmer. Hoseok opened up the beer bottles for everyone, Taehyung and Jimin continuously bickered while relishing in the dumplings, Jin was discussing about a cooking book he had recently come to like with Namjoon who was intently listening to him.

Only Jungkook was missing, albeit his empty seat was there at the table.

"Where is Jungkook?" Yoongi couldn't but ask, all attention turned to him.

"I think he went out." Jimin answered first, Taehyung nodded affirmatively.

"Yeah. His room is empty. He didn't even lock it."

"That's strange, I've never seen him going outside by himself at this hour," Namjoon said with a thinking look. Their eyes gazed up at the ajar door of Jungkook's room in unison.

"I forgot to tell him about his package that came yesterday." Jin absentmindedly poked on a piece of dumpling with his metal chopsticks. "I think it was a new playstation, or Xbox, I'm not entirely sure. But I kept it behind the kitchen counter. It's still there."

Again their eyes trailed off to the counter. Yoongi couldn't help but feel a bit nervous, he didn't entirely know why. Probably because the joyful stupor of the others had been vanquished with worry and crippling anxiety. The blizzard outside was probably raging in fury now, the wind rapidly knocking on the walls of the dorm.

"Probably banging his girlfriend, who knows?" Hoseok chimed in.

Immediately Jimin and Taehyung laughed, Jin coughed up a little and Namjoon cleared his throat and started to speak, "Isn't he not in good terms with the female species, though?"

"We'd never know." Hoseok shrugged putting down his chopsticks with a loud clank and folding his arms over the wooden table. "Don't you remember he once said that he could be dating? When we threw a drinking party for Jimin after he came back from the hospital?"

"My memories are hazy but that's entirely impossible," the blue haired boy retorted.

"He's probably fine, somewhere," Jimin said with a look of uncertainty etched on his face.

"Yeah," Hoseok said, "The one who's not fine is me. I volunteered at a Kid's hospital today and thank God it was shortened because of the weather. Those little demons pulled on my curls."

Namjoon surveyed Hoseok's face intently. "I thought you would be fond of kids."

"I ain't." Hoseok shuddered to himself the instant. "Apparently, I don't like a lot of people but I don't show it."

"That's kind of scary," Jin commented.

"Hoseok hyung is always scary!" Taehyung added making his eyes bigger to put an emphasis.

"Thanks for the compliments, sunshines," Hoseok only replied smugly. Yoongi was listening to it all with his leaden eyes and occasional sips of the beer, occasional small bites on the mushy dumplings that were on his plate.

It was fantastic in taste, both Jin's and Yejoo's mom's cooking. But he could barely luxuriate in the food or the animated conversation playing on the table. His mind was blank, his limbs barely moving, again he was feeling lethargic and sleepy.

Would sleeping a lot like this would ease his pain caused by years of misery?

It had been so long since he had enjoyed good food or a good time but even now that it was all in front of him, Yoongi couldn't, not because his shoulders were filled with burden but because they were battered bearing it for years that even when he thought he couldn't care less, he knew he actually did.

And he would for the rest of his life.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Yoongi heard Jimin leaning closer to him to speak, others till immersed in their own conversation.

Yoongi nodded and reclined on his chair a little more, his eyelids closing off, the chattering of the boys, the clattering of the chopsticks and the plates, the aroma of dumplings, and the warmth of the space lulling him to sleep.

This wasn't so bad. He could at least sleep, he could feel his breathing relax, chest heaving up and down, the pulse on his neck throbbing in rhythm, the sounds and the scents filtering away.

Before Yoongi fell asleep in the dinner table, curled up in his chair, surrounded by the boys who were helping him rest by toning down their voices, Yoongi knew the moment of relaxation was not going to last forever.

He couldn't keep himself away from his responsibilities and heavy burdens for long, he wouldn't be able to.

He knew he would be running again, sleep and food deprived again, tomorrow or the day after. Because he still cared.

He cared for himself a little too, though he thought he never did. If he didn't he wouldn't have taken this break.

None of that mattered because right now, at the damn dinner table he was going to sleep and no one was going to stop him, not even himself.

It was not possible for Yoongi to live in the moment like Jimin had said the night before. It had been years since Yoongi had gotten tired, exhausted with his life and the couldn't change. Even if he couldn't he could at least let himself loose for a few hours like this.

Because tomorrow or the day after, Yoongi was going to be skating on the thin ice again, with his haggard and bleeding feet wearing his torn converses.

The blizzard brewed outside, snow steeping up into piles over the roads.

The winter had to end someday. The ice on the rink had to melt till the green grasses could be seen.

Until then, Yoongi would keep skating, and skating just so the ice wouldn't break. Before he completely fell asleep, Yoongi sang the lyrics of his own written song called 'nevermind' inside his head.

\---  
A/n: asking this question for the last time, whose arc is next?


	23. Chapter 23

HOSEOK felt warm.

The sun shone gallantly, the atmosphere inside the cafe, tranquil. He could feel the tingles of sunbeams falling on the back of his neck from the glass walls, and his lips curved upward when he felt Serim beside him tuck a lock of his curls behind his ear.

"And here you were crying about not having a girlfriend," Jimin sighed as he averted his eyes from the opposite side of the table.

"Well, I'm glad we've gotten introduced now. At least one of us in the dorm is dating." Jin snickered with a playful look on his face.

"What girlfriend?" Hoseok glanced at Serim from his peripheral before he spoke. He saw how the girl immediately stopped swirling the iced coffee in her hand and he felt amused knowing an outburst was to be coming soon. "She's not."

"Asshole, do I need to show you my fist?" The girl snarled flicking her left braid behind her shoulder, her piercing gaze eyeing Hoseok.

"She curses just like the drunk Hoseok hyung!" Taehyung exclaimed, the rest of the table bursted out into laughter.

While Serim flushed in red, Hoseok laughed it off too. He was feeling warm, so warm to be around his friends, to be normal, and not be worrying about anything else.

Was this really him? He wasn't lying to anyone, right?

It astonished Hoseok how he felt like a part of this circle as if he really belonged here, as if there wasn't anything to be afraid of.

"You should visit our dorm someday, Jin hyung can cook for us and we can have dinner together," Jungkook spoke with joy. Hoseok scrunched up his eyebrows noticing how the youngest wasn't nervous around Serim unlike how he'd usually act around girls.

"He does," Yoongi added, a small smile on his lips, afternoon sunbeams reflecting on his porcelain skin. Hoseok was glad to see him look healthier than before.

But Yoongi never smiled before, did he?

"Only if you guys help me out," Jin said in a haughty manner. "At this point I can only rely on Taehyung and Jimin in the kitchen but even they finish everything up faster than I'm done cooking."

The said duo laughed mischievously, Serim joined too. Hoseok mentally noted that next time he would bring more of his university peers and merge his friend groups.

"I'm sorry, but if I try to assist in the kitchen I might cause a massive distraction to your tools," Namjoon piped in a low voice.

"Oh yes, you. No, you should be just sitting in the back," Jin responded.

While Serim started to tell them that she could be helping out too since she had a few knowledge on the cooking part, Hoseok almost commented that the last time he tried Serim's homemade kimbap he got an upset stomach. He was going to get cursed at again.

He stayed silent and instead looked at his back to notice that the sun had set already, the sky was blue in the falling evening. "How about we start for home now? I could drop off Serim first," he suggested.

Before long, the eight of them were outside, still conversing in joy and engulfed in the inside jokes of the dorm they were telling Serim about. How Jimin was so shy when he was a newcomer, how Taehyung was such a prick sometimes, how Namjoon kept more to himself, how Yongi was never inside the dorm, how Jungkook stole everyone's outfit, and more.

It was darker ourside than Hoseok had thought it would be. Suddenly he wasn't feeling warm anymore. His hands felt cold, the inside of his palms sweating but the skin, glacial.

When he breathed out, a puff of smoke erupted from his mouth. A misty fog was starting to encircle the area. He was starting to shiver but at least his friend's voices was there, the felicity within them was still there.

He was still normal.

Out of the blue, he remembered that their dorm didn't allow girls, and here they were all making so many plans together. He laughed to himself in amusement before turning around to break it to them.

No one was there.

Hoseok's heart stopped in its track. As far as his eyes searched, they only found darkened streets under the night with no streetlights, barren and cold buildings, in the distant silhouettes of passerbys walking around in the bleak winter.

Hoseok was trembling, not only for the cold now, but because he was alone, he was so alone.

His breath hitched on his throat, frantically he looked around to realize that he didn't know this area. The closed off shops, the buildings and the skyscrapers in the distant felt strange to him. How could he go home from here?

Hoseok started walking fast, hastily searching for his friends among the unknown faces of the strangers, searching for something he actually knew. He fastened his pace, faster and faster.

Soon he had started running, the fog around him thickening and the frosty wind whipping his face, flogging his flimsy body.

Please someone help me.

Please someone take me to home.

He was close to crying out, but no voice was uttered. His feet took him to streets and streets, eyes circling the places helplessly, his breathing got haphazard. Please someone.

There were other people in the road, unfamiliar faces that never even glanced at him. Ahead of him he saw a figure walking and he grabbed onto their side bag. The girl with two braids on her head turned around.

It was Serim. Hoseok felt like he had just found a bottle of water after wandering around the desert for ages like a pilgrim.

Blinking the tears away he choked out, "S-serim, I was looking for you!"

"Who are you?" She spoke in disbelief, eyes wide and lips parted.

Serim jerked her side bag away and started walking ahead again, not minding him once more.

Hoseok could barely believe that it really happened. He ran after her again only to lose her in the dark streets. Instead he bumped into three boys walking in a group.

They were Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin.

"Hey, watch out man," The blue haired boy, Taehyung jeered, the other two observed him with scrutinizing eyes.

Soon they left too.

Hoseok finally cried out. Although the lump in his throat not letting him as much as he wanted to. He tried, he tried more, no one paid any attention to him. He started scratching on his sore throat so he could let it out, but to no avail he couldn't.

He started choking up. In the amidst of this he heard a loud ringing sound knocking on his ears nonstop.

Hoseok jerked his body upward. At first it was a blur, his throat was still hurting from growling and trying to speak. Scuffing his eyes with the back of his hand, he took in the ringing phone that laid beside his pillow. It was Serim in the caller ID, and Hoseok was still finding it hard to breathe.

It was a dream.

A nightmare, similar to those he would often have.

Trying to ease his fastened breathing, he first glanced to Taehyung's bed to check if he was there. It was empty. Hoseok then noticed how his own blanket had fallen off from the bed, no wonder he felt so cold.

Sighing he put down his phone. Enough of this afternoon nap, he needed to meet up his classmates, which included Serim in the evening to finish a group assignment.

Though he felt tired, his vision was unfocused. Hoseok didn't want to feel disheartened because of a mere dream yet here he was.

He didn't want to channel this energy to others, thus he sat on his bed trying to focus on happy thoughts while scratching on his stomach under his shirt, a stomach with skin that were filled stretch marks.


	24. Chapter 24

"It looks like you're eating well," Hoseok piped. Yoongi sat across him in the engineering caferia. Hoseok had never had a meal here before but after coincidentally finding Yoongi in the campus he decided to follow him here for lunch.

Yoongi looked hackneyed, but that's what he'd always looked like as far as Hoseok could remember. The difference only was that his eyes didn't look as sunken and hollowed, his pale complexion wasn't greyed like a few days before. He slowly chewed on his rice while a book laid open in front on him.

Hoseok wondered if he had really heard his voice, and discreetly he took a sausage from his own tray and put it on his. Instantly Yoongi looked up and Hoseok shot him a bright smile.

"You should eat more. I had an apple an hour before." Hoseok wasn't lying, he really had one. After struggling with weight for most throughout his teen years he had learned the importance of snacking healthy whenever he felt hungry, and do physical activities when bored.

Though often he wanted to pig out, he wanted to fall into inertia too. Lay on his bed in a sangfroid noon and not spend time on the ruminations that'd make him feel miserable and cruel at the same time.

"Thank you but I can't stomach much," Yoongi replied nibbling on the end of his chopstick.

"Oh, you have to. Don't you have a lot of jobs?"

"Yes, one after lunch too. But I missed out last week, had a break." Yoongi shut off the book lying in front of him and fixed his gaze on Hoseok, his hand listlessly poking on the food before him with his spoon.

Hoseok felt raptured that Yoongi decided to give him time. Yoongi often was busy and whenever with the others he always looked occupied with his own thoughts. Now Yoongi was provoking a slight conversation in a cordial manner.

"What is the job after lunch?" Questioned Hoseok. "You really work too hard. Breaks are essential!"

"The tutoring one. Soon I wouldn't have to do that, well, after my student takes the entrance exams."

"Good for you, right?" The journalism major surely did not know why Yoongi needed so many jobs but probably he needed them for a reason.

Yoongi only shrugged in response, again putting a spoonful of rice inside his mouth. Tediously he chewed and then he talked again, "Have you seen Jungkook? He'd usually hang around this cafeteria."

"Why would the basketball major eat here? Doesn't the sport faculty have a big cafeteria of their own?" The curly haired laughed in response. No sooner had it vanished, a crease appeared between his brows.

"Now that you've mentioned it, no. I haven't seen him at the dorm either."

A silence fell, Yoongi looked lost in his thoughts, eyes on somewhere distantly and Hoseok felt a bit restless all of a sudden.

"We're both absent from the dorm almost all the time. Maybe he's just sick, or has exams and busy in campus. They do have a lot of practices everyday." After the short vomitting of the words Hoseok asked himself if it was his own self that he was assuring.

Yoongi didn't show a sign in his nonchalant face. The slow and aimless conversation meandered throughout the lunch and then Yoongi minded his business, Hoseok his own- which was going to his classroom after he received a call from Serim.

She said it was urgent and Hoseok wondered why. They didn't have anything else to do for the day, nor was there any class, which meant Hoseok could wander around the campus or the streets for no reason, since there wasn't any volunteering work or club works sceduled either.

The classroom was empty save for his two juniors, Taehyun and Soobin, his classmates too, Hyungwon and Serim.

The juniors greeted him and left right after. He greeted back and held his hands up in the air in a cheerful manner when his classmates noticed him. "Hey sunshines!" He chirped, and then he realized how Serim looked anxious and the boy who was standing beside, at least two heads taller than her rapidly shifted between his one leg to other.

"Hoseok," Serim started, a cloak of nervousness coating her usually playful demeanour.

Hoseok approached them and knew something was wrong. His classmates eyed each other, as if they didn't know how to break it to him.

"I... I lost our group assignment." The blonde haired boy, Hyungwon finally uttered after what it felt like ages.

Hoseok felt like the ground beneath him had just swallowed him whole. He could barely hear what the boy was blabbering about next.

"I promise you, it's not my fault. I had the file in my phone, and it fell from my hand and the phone is not working now-"

"It's not his fault. I saw it," Serim added, by then a hammer was banging on Hoseok's head or so he felt like. His fists were clenching involuntarily, nails digging into the inside of his palm.

He did not stay up late hovering over his laptop for this to happen. By now the assignment should've been printed and handed to Mrs. Ko, by now it would have been there on the professor's desk.

"We could talk to Mrs Ko and extend the date for us, just for a day so I could repair the phone and-"

"Are you fucking kidding with me right now?" Hoseok bursted out.

Pin dropping silence followed. Hyungwon and Serim both were incredulously watching him.

Hoseok was violently shaking by then. If he could, he would jump onto the taller latter and pummel him to the concreted ground. "Why the hell did you only have one copy and only in your phone?"

"Hoseok." Serim gently put a hand on his forearm, her skin cold against his but he jolted away as if her touch burned him.

Hyungwon anxiously gnawed on his bottom lip. His skeletal fingers pulled out his phone from his hoodie's pocket, Hoseok noticed how the screen had cracked for the fatal fall.

"I'm really sorry, man. I just..." The blond boy tried to open the phone but the screen stayed dark, not even a static showed up. "I might have another copy at home. If I could call my roommate Wonho right now maybe he would open up my laptop and-"

"Why would you screw up everyone's score over your stupid mistake?" Hoseok spat, his throat encircling on its own, it hurt to even speak, but he wanted to scream. "If you were going to be such a fucking loser you should've joined someone else's group, Hyungwon. Because I surely didn't sign up for a moron in my group."

There, right there he got the look he had always loathed, abhorred with all his being. The puzzled look that was filled with fear, feared by Hoseok, and pain, because Hoseok had just unintentionally hurt them.

Unintentionally, because he really didn't mean to do this, he didn't mean to burst out like this, he didn't mean to get agry for the starter, and he never meant to let his emotions take over.

Though that's what his emotions always did, they had full control over him. And maybe that's why he liked to live in solitude. That's why maybe he avoided truly being friends with someone. Because he'd end up hurting them.

And he'd get abandoned consequently.

Hyungwon and Serim were staring at him with aghast expressions, certainly offended, certainly in pain.

Hoseok couldn't stand still anymore. Now that the rush of aggression had left him and he realized what he had done, he quickly pivoted on his ankles and left the classroom.

There was no explanation to this, no valid excuse he could give his 'friends', heck, he was so temperamental that even now he was trembling when he was so happy even few minutes ago. He wasn't trembling because of anger now but because he was so dejected for his own actions.

He felt a hand again on his arm and halted. He looked back to find Serim huffing as if she had ran all the way.

The shorter girl retreated her hand back quickly this time. "I'll inform Mrs Ko and extend the submission time for our group."

Hoseok didn't answer, mentally he prayed so she wouldn't ask why he overreacted, or why the corner of his eyes were glistening right now.

She didn't, thankfully. She only patted his shoulder lightly before storming to the classroom again, probably to console another boy who was starstruck and on the verge of falling apart after the harsh incident.

Hoseok knew it wasn't Hyungwon's fault. Accidents never makes an announcement before happening and Hoseok knew that well.

What also he knew well was that behind this sanguine disposition of his, he was a monster.

He was cruel, he harmed people without a proper reason and without intention. He was fucked up, he was so fucked up in the head that if people knew they would stay away for good.

After whatever had happened, Hoseok was not in the mood to jog throughout the evening, he wasn't in the slightest mood to do anything at all.

He went to the dorm straight and he laid down on his bed without even changing his outfit. The mauve glow of the falling afternoon was still spreading throughout the glossy skies of the city. The snowfalls had stopped long ago, the winter was slowly fading away.

Yet Hoseok felt cold, his blanket was draped over him from head to toe. In the dark on his bed alone he tried to calm his breathing, closing his eyes and counting one, two, three and repeating again.

The tremor in him had stopped, but he couldn't find serenity even in his little bubble, in solitude where he could take care of his volatile emotions.

In the silence a very low tune of an old music piece knocked onto his ears. From the second floor the land lord was playing his old vynil records again.

"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you  
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you  
But in your dreams whatever they be  
Dream a little dream of me"

Like the fading winter, Hoseok's consciousness was starting to lose visibility too as he slowed his breathing down and focused on the distant humming of the song, the melody dancing in the stiff air surrounding him.

Hoseok wished with all his might that he wouldn't visit a nightmare again.

And that he would stop being such a monster someday.

\---  
A/n: the song is called dream a little dream of me by Doris Day.


	25. Chapter 25

Hoseok dreaded to wake up the next day and get himself moving. He'd rather isolate himself for the next few days, or maybe, longer and live in his own bubble.

He knew how that would be like, if he really tried that. He would want to live in that shell of his forever. Being disappointed in himself had happened way too many times in his little life and he'd given up on way too many things he used to enjoy once because of this. Dancing was one of them.

Hoseok felt his eyebrows furrow, why did he remember his past passion for dancing. He gave up on that hobby years ago. Disappointment also often brought back hidden memories that were concealed deep in somewhere.

Now Hoseok was feeling this sudden surge of emotion deeply. His mood was in the opposite end again, he could feel the dark aura sitting on his shoulders. In short, Hoseok felt like crap.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why he felt like this. Obviously what he had done yesterday to Hyungwon in front of Serim played a big part in this solemnity. But Hoseok knew it was more than that.

One thread of emotion pulled on many strings and now Hoseok was buried deep within his own morbid thoughts.

This wasn't anything new. Hoseok was capricious, very very capricious. To the point it wasn't normal. To the point one couldn't just label it as, hey I might be just feeble, or I have anger within myself and can't manage it.

That wasn't Hoseok's case. It wasn't just anger, it was all kinds of emotions, scaled from joyful to dejection, he went through it all. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Just like how he was feeling grandiose yesterday having lunch with Yoongi, in minutes he had a burst out in his classroom, later in few seconds he just wanted to cry his eyes out, by the time he reached home he was tired and burdened by his thoughts, this morning all he wanted to do was sit still and push away the thoughts that were killing him.

Thoughts that whispered close to his ear to just bang his head against the wall. Or hurt someone else, no, why was he thinking that, how could he.

Hoseok was a monster, he really felt like one, and he shivered when he realized he was blankly staring at the kitchen knife laying on the counter all this time.

He knew he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't. He knew something was very different with him when he was a teen, he knew his caprice manner was getting out of hand.

He was better now, was he?

"Jungkook isn't here today either and I'm getting a bit worried," Taehyung said as he bit on his apple. Hoseok heard from the side as he was filling up his empty bottle with water. "I would've gone and searched his room already but after whatever happened with Jin hyung I'm never playing detective again."

Jimin giggled a bit. "Maybe he went back to his hometown suddenly. Or maybe he's crashing at his friend's place, who knows? Oh, Hoseok hyung, are you going to campus? Want to go together?"

Hoseok flinched a bit when he heard Jimin directly speak to him. Shutting the cap of his bottle tight, he turned. "I'm not going to university now. I have volunteer work at a kid's hospital."

"Oh, the one you talked about before? Don't you hate kids?" Taehyung faced him, the half bitten apple on his grip. "Good luck, hyung!"

Jimin laughed and gave him another boost of luck. Hoseok's eyes were leaden, even though he slept a lot last night all he had were nightmares. Now he was exhausted and low on energy. While he turned back without a response he heard Jimin asking Taehyung about him, if Hoseok was okay. And Taehyung returning with a reply that Hoseok sometime looked like that, that he was probably okay.

No, Hoseok wasn't okay but he acted like that because Hoseok also wasn't sometimes like that, he was often like that.

He buried himself deeply in work, to the point of exhaustion so that no one could figure it out, and he wouldn't too himself. So that these thoughts wouldn't poke on the back of his head, and start to drill a hole there.

He was barely ever at the dorm, he was barely ever with his friend group in the university too. He was barely with himself even, he tried to stay out of reach, tried to stay disconnected with himself and everyone else as much as possible.

Here he was now, back to square one. And now that Hoseok was thinking about it he realized he had isolated himself for years. This was a different kind of isolation.

He was lonely, empty like a rattling can, could be blown away just by a rush of wintery wind.

He was empty because he had abandoned himself and everyone. All in fear that he would get abandoned first.

Tired, he was fucking exhausted thinking about all these. He was so disconnected even with reality that he could barely notice that he was at the kid's hospital already and a little boy, probably seven or eight years old clad in the hospital's gown was poking on Hoseok's thigh with his index finger as Hoseok sat like a ragged doll.

When he looked down he saw the boy's eyes lighting up with curiousity. "Are you okay mister?" He had a lisp, Hoseok realized, instead of pronouncing the 's' in mister he enunciated 'th.'

Subtly Hoseok moved his leg away, he didn't respond too. He had to get up and help people. Stop being such a joke, stop being so fucked up in the head and do something to redeem himself.

Hoseok averted his eyes and it fell on Hyungwon who had a few balloons in his hand to with the kids. The tall and blonde boy was staring at Hoseok from afar and as soon as Hoseok noticed, Hyungwon looked away and quickly walked past.

Oh, Hoseok realized, he wasn't here alone. He was here and his supposedly 'friends' if that's what he could call them anymore. This was a volunteering team from the university.

Hoseok suddenly found it hard to breathe. Did Hyungwon know? Could he guess? Why was he staring at him like that? Was it a look of awe that people gave him whenever he acted out of 'character', or was it a look of being terrified, like a deer that was to be slayed by a hunter? A look Hoseok often got too, because indeed Hoseok could be frightening, he knew, those eyes would tell him.

Both looks were abhorring, both twisted Hoseok's stomach in knots. Did everyone else knew? Did Hyungwon tell him what he had guessed? Hoseok remembered that last night in their group chat Serim only announced that their assignment was to be due next week, that she had talked it out with their teacher. What else? Hyungwon didn't text, no one else asked much on that matter.

"Mister, are you okay?" Again with the lisp the little boy spoke. Hoseok was trembling hard on the bench made of plastic, so roughly that even the bench was rattling with him. Those eyes of awe the boy was giving him, God, Hoseok hated this.

"Fuck off! Go and play with something!" Hoseok shouted and stood up immediately, his stomach was empty for the lack of food since last day but he felt like throwing up.

Before he rashly left to find a toilet he saw the boy with a saline bag attached to the pole next to him stare with terror in his eyes, too shocked to utter another word.

By the time Hoseok had found an empty male's toilet and locked himself in there, his guts were about to spill out. Still trembling nonstop he clutched on his stomach and gagged up a few times, every time he tried to vomit nothing came out. Only a bitter taste of bile spread across his mouth. How could he vomit when he didn't have dinner last night, or breakfast today.

Though he really would feel better if he could throw up a little. When he couldn't he stood in front of the sink and washed his face, he gurgled the tap water to cleanse out the bitter taste.

Gripping on the edge of the washbasin he looked at the mirror, his eyes were red and face screamed exhaustion. Trying to ease his erratic breathing he looked at the running water from the tap. Suddenly a vision erupted in his mind.

The little boy, the sick and little boy who only asked if Hoseok was okay and Hoseok projected his worst behavior on him.

How could he do that? Why even? Did anyone else see? He remembered that the waiting room was empty. Even if no one did, the little boy witnessed it. How could Hoseok lash out to him?

Why did he always act like such a goody two shoes when his head was always filled with monstrous thoughts, cruel words were always at the tip of his tongue, he wished of doing things on impulse sometimes that no one could ever imagine from him.

Hoseok was a walking nightmare and he himself only knew that.

What if he punched the mirror right now, what if his blood would spill after the shards would break into his skin? His hands were gripping so hard on the edge of the sink that his knuckles looked as white as snow.

His breathing was haphazard again, chest heaving up and down rapidly. He felt so ugly staring at himself, he felt so god damn ugly.

Then he noticed the tears slipping by his red rimmed eyes and suddenly, his impulsive thoughts stopped.

It was a static line in his brain. Everything merged together. He was numbed, out of the agony.

Quickly he wiped his eyes and looked at his reflection again, breathing in and out a few times he shut off the tap and walked out of the toilet.

As soon as he stepped outside he put on the biggest smile he could measure. A bunch of children were playing by themselves a few feet away outside in the lawn. Hoseok made up his mind that he would approach them in a jolly good manner, play with them.

And he'd help out a lot of people today, he would bury himself in work because that was better than being buried under his destructive thoughts.

The good deeds would cover up for everything, they'd erase his other deeds that were done in impulse. They'd redeem him, make him feel a little better about himself.

That thought too suddenly scared him. He was in such a worst place a few minutes before and it had already dissolved into something else.

"Hoseok?" A female voice called out from the back as he stood there, lost in himself.

Hoseok already knew who it was before turning back. "Can we talk?" Serim let out a small sigh from behind.


	26. Chapter 26

"Just tell me one thing, Hoseok." Serim bit on her lower lip, her hands placed over her hips. Her looks defensive but soon it melted into a helpless shrug of her shoulders and her arms went loose. "Are you okay?"

The world was rotating around the sun in its usual routine but it felt like it had stopped, right that second when Hoseok felt his breathing hitch in his throat and a lie, assuring Serim he was okay with a bewildering smile almost slipped off but it didn't and Hoseok didn't know why.

"It's not a onetime thing. I notice that you..., sometimes you...," Serim looked around the dull vicinity of the hospital where no one else was around, as if she was looking for the right word.

What word? Weird?

"You just act, different. I noticed you running off to the toilet with tears in your eyes Hoseok. I noticed you avoiding our batch's party only to walk around the city aimlessly. I saw how you behaved at the news of the accident of our group assignment last day and those were not the only times."

If the earth had stopped rotating a few minutes ago, now it was spinning in full speed. Hoseok felt dizzy, nauseated, he could almost see his own complexion going pale. The shorter girl in a blue romper and pigtails on her head didn't stop however.

"I am not going to talk about the time you ghosted me on a date, the time I asked you out. You started avoiding me from the next day but I acted like none of it happened and never brought up the topic again just so we could stay friends. It hurt, Hoseok, because I can't understand you. We've been friends for so long and I thought you might have started liking me too but I guess you didn't."

He did like Serim. He liked how she had this strong persona, a short girl with a temper and a fist, passion that fumed like incandescent flames, yet she could be calm and levelheaded in dire situations like a white dandelion growing on the viridescent fields.

Plus Hoseok really liked how she either always had pigtails or braids on her head.

Actually, Hoseok liked everything about Serim. So much, that it hurt because he had never been infatuated with someone so much in his life before.

But with his condition, only a disaster and ruination could follow. He didn't want to hurt Serim nor did he want to get hurt himself.

"I really want to understand you better, Hoseok, but I can't." Serim looked like she was in pain, waiting for him to say something but he could say nothing.

He wanted to explain himself, say that he really wanted to go on a date with Serim. Hold her tiny hand and listen to her usual tantrums. The day Serim nonchalantly shoved him a ticket to the avengers movie and told him to show up at 7 in evening or else, Hoseok was truly floating on cloud nine.

He didn't know what happened the later part of the day. Perhaps, he dropped, he fell from high above the sky like a meteor crashing on the earth and he burned in his own flame.

His mood fell down so hard that he went astray, he couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason behind this, then again most of the time he couldn't tell the reason behind his abrupt changes of mood and behavior.

Perhaps, because he lost an earbud that day, or perhaps because he had gained an extra pound and his brain went haywire because never again he wanted to be an obese and made fun of like his teen years.

In the end, he followed to a barbeque restaurant where his roommates were having dinner and he pigged out on meat and got drunk in alcohol.

It was all on impulse, he just wanted to feel better after avoiding Serim because he realized he could never have any kind of relationships with his unstable self.

Though, all that only made his mood spiral even downwards. He spent the night cursing out loud in his sleep and crying his heart out.

He was this close to doing something stupid that day, on impulse he would often think of doing those. It was hard every time to restrain himself.

How could he explain this to the girl in front of him?

"I know you're different, Hoseok," Serim said, her eyes trained on him. His knees trembled beneath his body hearing the next words.

"No ones going to leave you for being different, at least not your friends who truly love you. Don't avoid people after a misconduct, or in fear of a future action. We... I may not understand you, yet, but I'm willing to."

Why did it have to be so hard?

"Because fuck, if you were not my friend, I would've kicked you in your balls man." Serim said in a more serious manner next. Cursing was also what he had learnt from her as Serim often said that swearing out loud could give someone momentary relief, that life was harsh and she needed that form of catharsis.

Why did it have to be so hard to come clean, even to a person he loved?

Maybe it was harder to explain his worse sides because it was someone he loved.

Maybe Hoseok kept running away from getting attached to people not only because of his crippling fear of abandonment that haunted him in forms of nightmares but also because he truly thought of these people as his friends.

It was hard to show them what vile creature really lied behind this sanguine Hoseok.

"If you ever want to talk to us..., me, about your problems, I'm gonna listen Hoseok. I may be an asshole sometimes and a little thick headed but I'll be there for you." Serim said.

Just tell her you have borderline personality disorder Hoseok.

Just tell her you gained pounds and pounds of weight in your teen years because of this.

And that you sought a year of therapy when you were sixteen and were under medication for your episodes that led you to self harm.

And that even after all that you still weren't okay and maybe you never will, that you always felt empty and your head often was filled with atrocious thoughts, that you felt emotions so strongly you couldn't control yourself most of the time.

Hoseok couldn't utter a single word, only what he realized in his sobered up state that he was hugging Serim as if his life depended on it.

He didn't know who made the first move but he guessed it didn't really matter because the girl with her head on his chest was hugging him as tightly as if he was oxygen and she was running low on air.

"You need to apologise to Hyungwon, okay?" Her voice came out muffled, Hoseok's tshirt absorbing her words before they reached to him.

"Okay," he said, and he really did.

Minutes later, he found out Hyungwon in the waiting room where he stood with a baby half asleep in his bony arms, the baby's head propped up on his shoulder as he talked to the parents smilingly.

By the time the curly haired boy had reached him the mom had left taking the baby. Hyungwon was alone and only glanced at Hoseok as he stood next to him. More parents were walking around with infants to get them vaccinated.

The clamouring around the arena was loud but not really reaching them. Hoseok breathed out before he spoke, "I am sorry for lashing out to you the other day. It was not your fault I know. I didn't mean what I said to you that day."

Hoseok didn't know what he was exactly feeling behind those words, words that came out sane and well thought out. Hoseok was just afraid of getting questioned.

"I know, shit happens." Hyungwon said softly before raking a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "Sometimes we just don't feel like it."

Hoseok felt light, as if a burden was lifted off his chest when he saw Hyungwon not poking anymore on that matter. Serim and he both had been Hoseok's friend since first year, maybe they really were willing to understand Hoseok.

Hoseok wanted to hug Hyungwon but that would be too awkward to perform there. Hoseok saved it for the next day after he'd greet Hyungwon as a sunshine.

First, he needed to find the kid with a lisp he reacted to earlier, resulting in that kid crying. Hoseok wanted to reconcile with that little boy too.

\---  
A/n: a lot of people know about bipolar disorder but not borderline personality disorder. BPD may seem similar but it's different.


	27. Chapter 27

"Has anyone seen Jungkook?" Namjoon carefully put down the stack of books to the dining table as he stepped closer. His eyes landed on Jin first who shrugged in response, Taehyung and Jimin later who were standing there eating kimchi fried rice out of the bawl eyed Namjoon silently.

Hoseok and Yoongi too had entered just then. Hoseok's curls bouncing up and down when he frolicked towards them, Yoongi following with a ghastly ashen face and clattering teeth, probably for the freezing temperature outside. Namjoon yanked off his baseball cap and exhaled with exasperation.

"I was out to get some books from the library then the landlord called me." The brunet eyed  
everyone in the room before speaking out the rest, "He said Jungkook's rent has been due this month and asked about his whereabouts, cause he can't reach Jungkook's number."

"I can't reach his number either," Taehyung said, is lips forming an upside down frown. "I was getting a bit worried not seeing him at the dorm."

"What do you mean? He hadn't come back to the dorm?" Jin enquired with a slight amount of alarm in his tone which made even the sunny disposition of Hoseok grow sombre.

"What's actually happening here?" Hoseok whispered. Though he had heard everything from the top, Namjoon's first question too, he wasn't sure where this conversation was leading up to. He suddenly had his guts wrenching for no reason at all, the quizzical expression on everyone else's faces said they were feeling the same way.

"I don't know?" Taehyung looked visibly uncomfortable with all the eyes on him. "I just haven't seen him around. Maybe he's come and gone-"

"He hasn't," Yoongi replied solemnly. "I hardly sleep at night, I haven't seen him. Not at the campus too."

"Are you sure about this?" Hoseok barely voiced out, his tone laced with concern.

"I don't feel good about this," Jimin piped to himself, the kimchi fried rice laid unattended on the table along with Namjoon's books, lying on neglect as everyone was doubting themselves and the air was quickly getting heavier.

"Ah, come on!" Jin waved a hand in the air as if he was brushing it off. "He's probably staying at somewhere else. His friend's or relative's, and he must've gotten here when we were outside. No way he'd keep his door unlocked for two weeks."

No one looked convinced by his analogy, not even Jin himself could keep the sagacity on his face anymore.

"Has it been two weeks?" Taehyung gulped loudly, or perhaps it rather wasn't so loud but sounded so in the swallowen atmosphere of the dorm.

"I have a very bad feeling about this..." Jimin looked like he was about to cry. No one stepped up to assure nothing was wrong anymore.

Because something definitely was wrong. And it wasn't the weather getting colder, freezing out the water pipes, and the icy wind wallowing around the closed doors, but someone was missing

The thought was starting to become prominent.

That someone's absence was getting prominent. It was definitely like the cold of the winter, when everyone thought the weather was warming up to them an avalanche had fallen directly to their head.

Jungkook was always the oddball, but then, all of the boys were eccentric and idiosyncratic on their own ways.

Jungkook was charming, but often had an invisibility to him as if he was wearing a cloak. His presence was massive when together yet sometimes he was hardly there. Just like how no one could tell if he was residing in his room or not. What actually went on inside his mind, despite that boyish frivolity what was it that made him so enigmatic.

"Tell me one thing," Namjoon was the first one to break the silence. He rubbed his leaden eyelids and sighed to himself. "When was the last time any of you have seen Jungkook?"

No one had an answer to that, of course no one did. The air inside the room was so stiff, thick and mortifying that it felt suffocating.

"Has anyone seen him in the course of these two weeks?" Namjoon asked again.

Everyone silent, then Yoongi spoke. "No. Last time we had dumplings, he wasn't here. Haven't seen him since."

"I remember that his package arrived, a gaming set," Jin muttered to himself, loud enough for everyone else to hear. "And it's still lying there by the kitchen counter!" A sudden realization hit him.

"Oh god," Jimin spoke out of breath, "it's really been two weeks."

Taehyung beside him looked too stunned to say something. Hoseok curled his fists into balls, uncurled and repeated the process. A storm raged inside his brain, looking for the last moments he had seen Jungkook but his brain failed him.

"Maybe we are looking too into this. Maybe he's fine, but just to be careful, do any of you know his classmates? So we could ask them if he had joined the classes. Or any relative?"

Again every attention was on Taehyung because he was the only one of them who actually brought out the cordial sides of Jungkook often. "I don't know. He never talked about his family, relatives, friends, or anyone...," Taehyung trailed off.

"Then what did you guys talk about?" Jin asked with a puzzled look.

The blue haired boy shrugged with his shoulders. "I don't know..., Games, music, movies. Lately he'd seemed busy so we hadn't been interacting."

"Busy with what exactly?" Jin again questioned. Hoseok's eyes turned towards the slightly ajar door of Jungkook's room, the darkness inside seeping out and a trail of the living room's light marking along the tiles of the space.

Soon all eyes were staring at the door, as if it was speaking to them, whispering out an invitation. Even the door looked hollowed, screaming that no one had stepped inside there for days and every one of them felt it mortifying inside of them that they were only noticing it now.

Only noticing now that Jungkook had possibly disappeared two weeks ago. On a cold stormy night, and now he was out of reach.

"S-should we go in there?" Jimin's meek voice was barely audible.

"I can't believe you're the one suggesting this," Taehyung responded in a lower tone.

"When necessity calls arrangements should be made," Jin commented, knowing why Taehyung was hesitant on making a move.

"God, here we go," Hoseok stepped rashly, taking it upon himself but he stopped right when his hand made contact with the doorknob, as if the cold metal had frozen him to his bones too.

The boys hesitantly, and with clear discomfort followed behind. It was simply a wooden door, but it felt so unnerving and spiked a random thought that an unspeakable horror lied behind that frame.

It took almost all his bloody courage, paired with a comforting hand on his shoulder from Namjoon, for Hoseok to finally push that door aside.

The darkness ran along like insects making their home in an forgotten building as soon as light rushed in.

Nothing out of the normal was there, to the boys' comfort. Jin exhaled the longest sigh of relief while Namjoon went inside and clicked on a light switch.

A typical young boy's room, a full time university student which meant there was bit of a mess involved, but nothing too out of place. Jin didn't scrunch his nose in disgust either. Just the bed that was unkempt, a laptop laid on it with its screen blackened, the battery had probably died long ago. A fancy looking cam sat atop it, a ring lamp on the bedside table as well.

"What was he, a youtuber of some sorts?" Hoseok picked up the lamp and as he turned on a button the bright rays almost blinded his vision. He had to quickly turn it off.

"I do not think YouTubers would use webcams, at least, not that only," Yoongi replied looking around the small room.

"Yeah, he probably has to have other equipments, cameras, tripods, others...," Namjoon added.

"I feel like I'm invading his privacy." Jimin only stood in a corner and didn't move from there.

"That's because you are; we are," Jin told him before turning towards the mess again. A few of the clothes laid on the cold bed and Taehyung was poking around them. The room's temperature felt like it was below than rest of the dorm.

It was evident that no-one had been here in days. Jungkook really was missing, from the dorm at least.

"I hope he's okay," Jimin said as if he could read everyone's mind but he himself visibly looked concerned.

"All his stuff are expensive and overpriced," Taehyung remarked as he pulled out an underwear from the blanket using only the tips of his thumb and index finger. "That's a balanciaga, normal broke college students like us can't afford these for outfits let alone underwear."

"I don't think he used to wear such clothes when he first came to the dorm," Jin said with his brows knitted in the middle.

"I remember that he used to steal everyone's clothes for fun," Hoseok added to the discussion. But it wasn't going anywhere, until Taehyung's phone rang so loudly that it made everyone startle and cause the blue haired too to flinch so hard that his phone almost fell from his fingers after he hastily pulled it out of his trousers pocket.

"I certainly hope he's alright but I'm having this horrible feeling," Namjoon said in a hushed tone while Taehyung tried to speak over the call that just came in, seemingly the network was bad because the latter kept asking who it was.

"Same here." Jimin's lips quivered, his blemished face spoke out his fright.

"G-guys! It's Jungkook!" Taehyung screamed suddenly, his hands trembling nonstop and his eyes were wide, pupils dilated. "I can't understand what he's saying but I think it's him!"

"Give me the phone," Namjoon spoke and the device was immediately handed over to him. The rest of the boys stood closer, panicked breathes filling in the air.

When Namjoon put the phone against his skin a static noise followed, a bunch of incoherent words thrown in here and there, nothing could be made out of it and he wasn't sure if it was Jungkook too.

"I think it's because of the blizzard outside that the network is bad," Hoseok whispered in the lowest voice he could measure.

"Could you please talk slowly, and move about somewhere in your area so we could listen clearly," Namjoon enunciated each word with an impactful pause in between.

Still the white noise. Then a trembling voice followed amongst the cacophony.

"S-save me."

The air had turned grave inside, the maddening wind outside rapping at the walls of the old and poorly constructed building could be heard only.

"Someone's holding me captive. Please-" Another agonising second of the audio distorting. "Me...!"

"Jin, please call 119 immediately," Namjoon directly looked up at Jin and Jin immediately understood, rushing to his phone's dialpad the next.

"Jungkook, I am listening. I want you to calm down and slowly pronounce me the address where you're at." Namjoon held the phone closer to his ear and stated.

The following seconds were so gravely silent that it felt like everything had paused, the moments were like decades traversing on.

"It's in Gangnam. Apartment 35-C in Dogok dong building complex, the seventh floor. Tell them our friend has been held there without his will. I have the phone call recorded in case they'd need it," Namjoon said after the short phone call got abruptly cut off. The English major looked quite calm, but the tremble in his voice gave away his true feelings.

Jin nodded and left the room to talk to the emergency center, from the kitchen his voice could be heard. Rest stayed frozen in the spot as if they did not know what to do, all of their faces pallid and expressions mortified.

"What do we do now?" Taehyung's voice reverberated around the confined space.

Silence.

And then Hoseok straightened his backbone and he looked at each of their faces. "The police will arrive I know but I can't sit here after what just happened. I'm going there."

"Me too." Namjoon immediately got ready to leave.

"We should hurry then," Yoongi muttered. The next minute, three of them hurridd to their respective rooms to grab something warmer to go outside.

Jin entered with his phone on his hand. "They're sending a patrol car." His eyes found the two boys, Taehyung and Jimin only. "Where are the rest?"

"We are going there to find Jungkook," They replied, almost in unison.

\---  
A/n: this is the most intense chapter I've written in a while.

I haven't slept all night it's 11:11 am here so I'm making a wish. And that wish is for you to stay happy.

P.s: yes Jungkook's arc is next I've been researching on it. It might be very triggering to the audience, reader discretion advised. Take care of yourself.


	28. Chapter 28

JUNGKOOK is scared of girls.

That's not news. It had been evident that he's clearly terrified even with the idea of the opposite specimen.

People around him could sense it, they always did. Jungkook was good at hiding things, for many many years since he was a child but he couldn't hide something that was so prominent, lived on the surface of his very being, his eyes that screamed anxiety when a female was near and actions that were carried out sometimes involuntarily and sometimes deliberately.

Jungkook couldn't help it. He didn't know if he was born with it, this crippling fear. He was an orphan but as far back as his memories could trace, he only knew he was shy of girls.

He grew up in a facility for boys. The female species weren't there on his biggest part of life, except, there was-

Jungkook scratched the thumb of his left hand with his other. His mind trying to picture a lady in her forty's, she was a maid in the kitchen of their orphanage and she also would tak care of the young boys, tell them tales, play with them and lull them to sleep.

No matter what, Jungkook couldn't really remember her face. She was warm, caring, had a disposition that attracted the kids with a gaping hole in their hearts, children who were devoid of parental affection.

Jungkook too thought she was warm. He was weak when he was really young, eight or nine, he was perhaps. He was a cadevorous little boy, all bone and no meat. He was shy and meek, taciturn and morose.

The maiden often offered him food, ushered him to eat more, took him to her room and sat him down on her lap and she would offer him curry bread. Jungkook really loved curry breads on summer and rainy days, and warm buns filled with redbean paste on winters.

Jungkook suddenly felt his heartbeat rise, his temperature rising too with it. He had been sitting here on the bench, resting after a good amount of workouts. It wasn't because of the warm up routines but because the memories were tracing back further where he did not want to go.

He couldn't recall the lady's face, no matter what. She left the orphanage for another job when Jungkook was in middle school. Surprisingly, he didn't miss the lady. He only stiffened up when she let her hand rest on Jungkook's shoulder (he was finally taller than her then), and slid it down to his chest, then bade him goodbye with a sad and weakened smile.

Jungkook couldn't remember how her smile looked, he could barely outline the physiognomy of the small woman that once felt really big to him when he was a child.

She didn't have a husband, nor a child and often would say that Jungkook was the bestest little boy in the world. Jungkook didn't believe so.

Often she made him feel uncomfortable physically and mentally, not often, but almost all the time.

He didn't know what was wrong back then and what was right.

The discomfort grew in him, he didn't know that too until he found himself in highschool where he was finally surrounded by the opposite gender.

His elementary education was at the boy's orphanage, middle school was an all boy's school as well.

Jungkook was scratching harshly on his thumb again. It wasn't itching but he didn't know why he was abusing his finger, probably he needed to take his mind off to somewhere else.

However, his brain kept reeling back. He remembered his brain reaching a havoc when he stepped inside the school on his first day. It was point blank, everything was a dull static at first when he saw both girls and boys walking around the campus.

By the time he had reached his classroom he was violently shaking in frenzy. On the very first day he got sent to the nursing room.

Why did he feel so violently helpless, so uncomfortable and intimated, he didn't know, why did his brain and body reached an absolute mayhem, he could only ask his own self.

He was shy before. When younger he was scared of the maid of the orphanage too. She would gesture him to come closer, and it took him some time to make the first step.

How did she look like again?

Jungkook's fear was like a shark trapped in a pond. It was volatile, aggressive and too big to hide in a small pond. People realized it soon and eighteen year old Jungkook's life turned into a new level of chaos.

Despite being scared shitless he tried to survive it as good as he could. Studying in his own bubble, practicing the field he was the best at which was basketball and acing his exams and whatnot in hopes to get into a public university, because Jungkook was to be out of the government facility soon and he had to be on his own.

Most importantly, he did his best to avoid.

Avoid girls, any form of interaction with them as much as possible.

He was running away from his fears, because he didn't know how to tackle them on his own.

Until he did something he wasn't surely proud of, but it was getting him by.

"Dude, you're bleeding!" Jaehyun shouted and Jungkook immediately flinched. Only then he noticed a little amount of skin on his thumb peeled, scratch marks lined with eminent blood.

"Oh, it's nothing." Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows at the mess before he put the side of his thumb inside his mouth.

"Don't get infected or anything," Jaehyun huffed out, sweat pouring down his forehead. He rubbed his wet bangs away and took a seat on the bench next to Jungkook, still panting loudly. "Exchanged my slot with Eunwoo in the practice game. I'm too tired."

Jungkook hummed in response, the metallic taste of blood light on his mouth after he put away his thumb.

"You look dazed, man. Anything wrong? Jaehyun asked with a bit of curiousity and cautiousness in his voice.

"I'm okay. The person in the facility I was under when I was young; she used to look after me, died due to stroke today. They called to inform me."

"Oh, your babysitter? Or godmother? I'm truly sorry to hear that. My deep condolences to you and your family," Jaehyun said sincerely.

I don't have a family, Jungkook thought. He never talked about his personal life to Jaehyun, or anyone, for the matter. No wonder Jaehyun didn't catch on.

Now Jungkook realized that the sudden outburst of these stupid and hurtful memories that came in a blur and in small packets wrapped with melancholia led up to the phone call from the orphanage, 'Jungkook, do you remember Mrs Noh? She used to adore you so much. I have bad news for you, dear, stay strong.'

Jaehyun carefully put a hand on Jungkook's hunched shoulder and lightly patted him there. "Why don't you talk to the coach and take this day off? Rest somewhere."

"I'm fine."

Was he?

\---  
A/n: We reached the final arc, my fam.

Hold your gear and prepare your tears. This arc might make you really uncomfortable, I'm warning you ahead.


	29. Chapter 29

It was 2 or three weeks before it happened and Jungkook was, as usual, cozied up against his bed. He was searching through his phone aimlessly and checking out on his bank accounts. He could forget about his socials, he wasn't exactly a social person in reality let alone virtually.

His accounts weren't empty. There weren't a few pennies showing up in small digits that would remind him that his life was nothing but a train wreck and a form of devastation, but his screen was filled up with such a big number that it made his heart pound. Quickly he closed it off and the black screen showed his reflection like a mirror.

He would never get used to money. Or maybe, he would, someday but not now. Even after that he wouldn't get used to this life, again, he thought, maybe.

Jungkook's room was quite adjacent to the kitchen and since it was always so quiet inside his four walls that he could hear the voices of the other boys if they talked a bit louder from the other side.

"Oh my god, Jimin-ah, I ate only chicken breast for a few consequent weeks when I got here, believe me or not. I did not know what else to eat that had as good amount of nutrition and didn't take as much time to cook up."

Taehyung's gravelly voice reverberated against the confined space. Jungkook could visualize the blue haired boy making exaggerated gestures with his hands and widening his eyes to emphasise his words.

"You could eat ramen?" The small and low voice could only belong to Jimin.

"Those aren't that good for health. But actually," Taehyung's voice grew distant as if he was leaving the kitchen, "You are right. I get bored of them very soon though."

The voices disappeared and left Jungkook alone with his own thoughts to spend on.

The ceiling of the bedroom stared at him and suddenly it felt so vast and vacant that he felt like it would swallow him as whole. He turned to the side to notice his closet door hanging ajar, the clothes inside cluttered, an utter mess.

Slowly he realized his own bed was a mess as well. Yet he didn't feel like getting up on his feet to clean up. It only made his thought process twist to another way because he realized he had more outfits now than he ever needed. He was never that interested in the fits but there wasn't much to do with the money he got. A lot of these clothes were gifts he received from his client as well.

A recollection of wearing the other boys' clothes by accident before, suddenly showed up in his memories and a grin made its way onto his face.

It had been long since he properly went out there, sat and had a conversation with any of the boys in the dorm. Not that he ever was inclined to socialize anyway, however, these days he was becoming more and more of a recluse and he was starting to wrap himself in his own dingy little world.

Basketball was hard, what he did at home was harder for him.

These days he felt like doing nothing, only wanting to recline in his bed and let this state of exhaustion pass on.

It began since he had heard about Mrs Noh. Since then his head had been under a fog, cumulus clouds shrouding his clear line of thinking.

Jungkook scrunched up his eyebrows involuntarily, that again, he couldn't remember his childhood clearly and that was bugging him again.

He couldn't remember anything to be fair. Never in his twenty one year of life had he tried to look back but now he couldn't help but do that.

When he did, it was all so vague and unclear, only came in short snippets. There was not one extraordinary memory, one particular moment he felt like that was it.

When he felt like it was his life, he was the main character and everything revolved around him, there wasn't one single second he could recollect that gave him that feeling.

It was as if he was a spectator. He watched his own life morph into something that was so vulnerably dull, and went by so fast that he didn't remember most of it even as only being a witnes.

There's a part of him too that was mounting a wall against this, as if saying no to trying to retain his childhood and teenage memories.

Because there wasn't really much left there. What actually scared Jungkook was that after leaving the facility and spending almost a year in the university and the dorm, he didn't have much of a unique memory of his adulthood as well.

His life wasn't meaningful, or so he felt like. There was a blackhole in his heart that didn't succumb to anything. It was just perpetual darkness, a labyrinth down here.

What if all his life went by like that? In a blink?

What if he woke up one day to realize he was fifty years old with no exceptional memory of the past, no feelings attached to the present, and no planning ahead for the future.

It scared Jungkook, he was scared. He never really looked for meanings in life or youth but maybe that was because he always had too much going on all his life.

Now everything was too much, they were burdensome thoughts latching onto his back.

Nobody recognized him, and he didn't know himself at all as well. To the world he was an enigma no one wanted to solve. To himself he was just a void.

His phone dinged in a sudden pop-up notification and finally Jungkook roused from lying down. He looked at the screen to see the notification bar showing a message from Diana.

"Free? Want to face cam?"

He uttered a small sigh before flinging himself down to the other side of his bed to retrieve his laptop and webcam.

He clicked on his laptop before he raked a hand through his hair. He probably looked as messy as his bed and closet but that didn't matter. Most of his clients liked him in his natural habitat and for Diana she argued that she liked everything about him.

When the laptop came to life he opened the site where he worked. Most people he knew were very professional but he liked to stay himself, he was younger than most others too.

"Hey." Jungkook waved at the lit-up screen, the lady with jet black and long hair smiled from the other side though it looked very much of a blur due to the bad network connection.

"You seem happy today," Jungkook commented.

Strangely he didn't feel very anxious talking to females when it was virtual through this site. Maybe because it felt somehow unreal. The point was added too that he could leave whenever he wanted, no one could even come close to him through this.

"My husband went on a trip." She giggled loudly. "Did you get my gift? A playstation, I sent it last day."

"You should stop spending on me. And no, I didn't get it yet."

"They're taking time with the delivery," she said through her headphones, pausing a little after that to take a good look at Jungkook. "Can I use more of your hours today? I'll pay you accordingly."

"I have nothing to do anyway."

Jungkook had taken a leave from university telling the coach he needed to attend 'family' matters. He didn't feel like going back, not so soon.

"Where should we start today?" She said with mischief as she played with her sleeve that was dangerously hanging low on her shoulder.

"You tell me," Jungkook said, absentmindedly.

Again, he only felt like a spectator though it should be otherwise.


	30. Chapter 30

If happiness and sadness were two sides of a coin, after flipping it Jungkook's coin must had fallen on the narrowed side of it, and now, it was balancing itself there like an acrobat prancing on a rope.

Jungkook didn't know if he was sad or happy, perhaps neither, or either, he only realized that these days had been a fuzzy blur to him. As they kept passing him, by he had often asked himself if he really had spent all his twenty one years of life like this.

In the pervasive pattern of him trying to search through his recollections, one struck on him, the first time he got introduced to the idea of webcamming.

Jungkook put a hand under his shirt on the surface of his sinking stomach, it had been some time he since had eaten a proper meal.

He felt like he was reclining in a bath tub filled with water, too lazy to get up and too tired to push through the pressure of the water. As if he was holding his breath in the stagnant water he was under, and he could see blue and grey and nothing at the same time.

He was eighteen when he was acquainted with a boy of same age. They were in the same club and they both practiced basketball after school hours. It was funny how Jungkook couldn't remember his name clearly as well even though it hadn't been that long.

He did recall that the boy had a similar physique to him and a head filled with chocolate brown curls. The coach sometimes mixed up between them. While Jungkook's jersey said number ten, his was nine.

Jungkook wouldn't call nine his friend. He wouldn't call anyone his friend but companion that he needed to sometimes be with because life worked that way.

Nine joked around a lot, had older friends that were in college and he was certain he was going to U.S.A for scholarship after this. Jungkook didn't know if nine really moved away as he hadn't seen nine since high school.

"See this chick?" He would often show his girlfriends' photos on his phone to the others, all of them would be older and the boys would gush about them and make a fuss. No one seemed as popular as nine.

When one day there wasn't anyone else in the basketball court and it was nearing to the closing hours, Jungkook was practicing alone and the other boy's bag laid there. He was spending a good amount of time in the washroom and after he came out Jungkook noticed his jersey was worn backwards.

"Huh, I think we need to go home for the day," he had commented as he hastily took his bag from the bench and grabbed a half empty water bottle, he chugged down the content in mere seconds.

"Yep!" Jungkook huffed out and let the ball go, it dribbled in the court alone. "Let's clean up."

Nine was surfing through his phone and let out a distanced hum in reply. After they were done, a chilly night greeted them outside. Even though Jungkook never looked at anything as extraordinary (and maybe that's why he couldn't reminiscence in his past, all were the same to him) yet he could remember the cold wind seeping in through his parka. It was around this time of the year now, probably.

"Look at this," Nine held his phone close to Jungkook. The screen showed a girl with long hair, probably in her late twenties or early thirties and had a good amount of cleavage showing in the photo she had taken herself. Jungkook immediately averted his eyes and nodded, before he took a few steps forward.

The latter caught up to him from the back. "It's kinda funny you know, she's paying me to send her my photos and videos." Even if it was funny, the boy never laughed, he just kept staring at his screen, zooming in and inspecting the photo in many different angles.

"What kind of photos and videos?" Jungkook asked.

The boy gave him an incredulous expression before rolling his eyes, "Aw, come on. Don't try to act cute now."

Jungkook scrunched his eyebrows yet kept quiet, he pushed his hands in the pockets of his jeans to keep them warm. "Where did you meet her?"

"Now that's news," he let out a boisterous laugh and grew closer to Jungkook as they jogged on. In the next ten to fifteen minutes Jungkook learned about the sites where girls and boys worked to make money. The pay was good, it was safe and you got to meet people online, those were what mainly stuck with Jungkook.

He needed money. He was to be released from the orphanage soon and the government wasn't going to pay his tution, unless he got a scholarship of course, but other than that he also needed living expenses.

Nothing in the world was free and that thought often kept Jungkook up at night. Like other kids of his age he didn't have someone to lean on, not even for emotional support let alone financial.

What about Mrs. Noh? Would it be different if she was there? Jungkook didn't know why he suddenly thought of her when she didn't cross his mind when he was going through those struggles.

Jungkook bolted up from his bed and grabbed his wallet, he didn't need his phone to his trip to the convenience store so he left it there inside his drawer. His laptop and webcam laid on his tousled bed. When he left he didn't unlock his door as he was to be back in a few minutes. He was starving and the those thoughts weren't helping him.

Immediately when he got outside he regretted it a little, he was wearing nothing but a grey oversized hoodie, and sweatpants, and it was so cold outside that it felt hard to even breath like thousands of needles were pricking his lungs with each inhale.

He took long strides forward, albeit feeling like his bones would freeze. His teeth were clattering and hands were crossed tightly on his chest when he practically ran to the nearest seven elven store.

What was it like? When he really tried it for the first time?

Jungkook possibly didn't want to do anything as a minor, he had never done any sides jobs either in high school because he wholly wanted to focus on his studies and basketball. Thanks to that he did get a scholarship, however, what his companion said to him never really left.

It was a bit scary, he did not have much knowledge on sex, and the world that revolved around it, other than his sex ed classes which he often avoided.

The teenagers around him were simply horny and had fantasies, crazy ideas about sex and to Jungkook it was vary vague. Sometimes even made him feel uncomfortable.

It wasn't that he was immune to the sexual hormones. Like every other person it flourished within Jungkook as well, but, there was a big BUT, he often felt uncomfortable with himself as well when he got certain ideas.

Firstly, he had no idea about girls and it seemed wrong to fantasize on them, and secondly, he was afraid of girls, he really was.

Surfing through the internet late at night about the details of what nine had told him gave him a slight headache. He didn't think a lot on it back then but after getting into university he decided to try it.

It would not only help him financially, would help him with his issue revolving females also, or that's what he thought.

Jungkook grabbed on whatever that caught his eye from the shelves in the store and those contained different flavours of ramen, sausage, sandwiches and a few cartons of chocolate milk. Putting them on the cashier's table he stared outside to notice that it was snowing.

He wasn't ready to get swept by the cold temperature again outside.

He was never ready to start on webcamming as well. He was never ready for anything, he just did it, he ran with whatever he needed at that moment.

Strangely, he wasn't much affected by talking to girls; women through the site. He made his username international playboy because he thought it was really funny considering the only playing he had ever done was virtual games, fortnite, pubg, overwatch and countless others.

None of the women he met there cared about his games, hobbies, interests, or even his real name. They all wanted one thing and Jungkook gave it to them. He started slow with chattings, photos and videos and then he got to the real bit.

The camboys were mainly wanted by older male clients but Jungkook kept his interests to women for his own condition. The business wasn't going bad. He was attracting a lot, and maybe it was because he was young, or 'innocent', or 'unskilled', Jungkook didn't know because no one told him the reason.

As no one really cared, but one did, maybe.

Jungkook was standing outside the store with his grocery bag and trembling in the cold. Suddenly it was starting to snow harder with the evening falling. The sun had set out of nowhere, dipped itself in the blue horizon. Jungkook couldn't find it in him to run back to the dorm under the snowfall.

A car pulled by the store and he averted his gaze there. The window rolled down and a female peeked her head out. "Jungkook?" She asked with curiousity in her tone.

Diana, that was the only person on the site who knew Jungkook's real name, his address, and a lot of other things. Jungkook also knew much about her as she often cried to him about her husband's harsh way of acting towards her. They did sometimes have real conversations between the acts.

"Want to get inside? Gosh, you're shaking!" She exclaimed, soon after she opened the door to the car.

Though Jungkook knew her more than others, he couldn't but feel his body freeze up again and he knew it wasn't because of the cold.

"Come on! You're not going to stand there forever, are you?"

Jungkook got inside and he kept his eyes elsewhere. The car seemed expensive and it was warm but Jungkook couldn't keep the tremors in his hands away.

"I was in this area to meet someone. What a big co incident to see you here. I should've been mentally prepared since you live around here, still I'm awed."

She had started driving and Jungkook guessed she was taking him back to his dorm, since she knew the address anyway and often sent him gifts. Jungkook kept quiet while she kept on talking, he thought he was accustomed to her voice but now as she was sitting close talking, it made him anxious.

"I was thinking that maybe we should meet someday but you know, you never talked about it or anything. And-"

Jungkook could barely focus on what she was saying, the temperature inside wasn't as hot for him to sweat but he was and he could feel his throat going dry.

"We are here." The car stopped and for the first time Jungkook took a good look outside.

It wasn't his dorm. But an apartment complex he didn't even know where.

"Where...?" He could only say meekly.

"My apartment. You look so cold and sick. You are all pale. I thought I could offer you some food and a cup of coffee."

Jungkook's heart rate quickened. He should've told her from the get go that he wanted to go to the dorm but he sat there assuming that's where they were going.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She let out a loud giggle. "You look like a scared bunny. Come on, hop out of the car!"

She was already outside and Jungkook didn't know what to do but follow. The snow was piling up on the roads quickly and on his head too.

"Come! You'll catch a cold!" She scurried to the lobby in her high heels. Jungkook didn't have a choice, it was too cold and he felt so numbed that he couldn't think straight.

Though he did ask himself how he was to go back from here because it appeared to him that a blizzard was about to rage on soon. The wind was howling and the night was deepening too quickly.

The expensing looking apartment complex stood against the dark as a menacing monster. Jungkook took a glance at the big name plate that said 'Dogok-dong building complex, Gangnam'.

Which meant he was at least half an hour car ride away from home and the question was how he failed to notice where he was going.

It was embarrassing to Jungkook that he was nearly at the verge of crying as he followed her to the seventh floor and apartment 35-C. He was biting on his lower lip so hard that he could feel the metallic tinge of blood on his tongue, and he was still gripping on his grocery bag like his life depended on it.

"Come inside, I'll bring you a cup of coffee." Perhaps she smiled when she said that, Jungkook couldn't tell because his eyes were unfocused. He felt nauseated, he didn't know if it was because he hadn't eaten for so long, or because of the cold getting to him, or his crippling fear.

The apartment looked neat, that he could tell. The couches smelled expensive, there was a giantic LED TV too. Nothing unordinary and nothing out of place, except him.

His grey hoodie and pajamas contrasted highly with the bright red couch. He reckoned that Diana was wearing a red dress too as she came back. "Milk and sugar on your coffee or black?"

Jungkook only nodded as no voice came out of him. He looked at her for the first time and she was much older than him as he always knew, thirty five, but she didn't look like it. She always looked like she was in her twenties, virtually and here.

That wasn't helping. Jungkook had stopped breaking down in sweat but he was still highly anxious, he could feel a lump sitting on his throat.

"You haven't uttered a single word all this time. Maybe I should've offered you warm milk but I don't have it here. Caffeine is a good substitute." She came back with a mug of hot coffee, milk and sugar added, and then she took a seat on the single sofa by his side.

Maybe if Jungkook drank it quickly he could leave, the problem is he didn't know how to speak a word even if it would involve words of him leaving. He felt like he was mute and he couldn't even form clear thoughts let alone words.

He took the mug and drank the warm liquid, it scalded his tongue and burned the inside of his throat. He didn't know what it tasted like, or how it smelled, he was immune to every other senses except for dread and fear.

"What's in the bag? You aways eat so much junk food, it's not good for your health."

The bag was sitting on his lap and it felt too heavy to him. He didn't know what to say though she kept on chattering.

His eyelids were drooping and his head felt heavier every second passing by. He really missed the sensation of his room back at the dorm, his unkempt bed, the kitchen talks and murmurs.

What were the other boys doing? Were they at home? He really needed to socialize more with them and he needed to go out more. He should go back to the university tomorrow, he had been missing out too much. Was the snow falling too hard outside? How should he get back?

How did Diana know there were junk foods inside his bag?

The curtains drew in, Jungkook fell asleep on the bright red couch.


	31. Chapter 31

This chapter may contain triggering scenes to fellow readers. There will be hint of sexual exploitation and abuse, nothing will be explicit or detailed. 

Jungkook awoke with a bitter taste in his mouth. Last thing he remembered was the coffee, was this the taste of coffee?

It took him a few moment to peel his eyes open, his brain was still in the middle of processing it all. It felt like seconds since he had fallen on a repose, although when he noticed the decor of the room wasn't exactly the same as the one he was seated on earlier, he started to doubt himself.

His head was weighing him down, a vein pounding on his forehead and he could barely move. The ceiling was white, the gray curtains were stilled, where was this place?

Where was he?

Suddenly he felt the trepidation growing within him, fear arose, so did he. As if all the blood in his body had suddenly rushed to his face, as if his head would combust and a fountain of blood would spring out his nostrils, he sat up on the king sized bed to realize he was completely naked save for the blanket that was draped over his lower body parts.

He wasn't alone, a woman in a nightgown laid by his side, eyes shut in a peaceful repose and lengthy hair cascading down her fair back. Jungkook couldn't think properly and it took a few seconds for him to recognize that the woman was Diana.

What was happening here? With shaky and nervous hands he lifted up the blanket and tears suddenly piled up in his eyes, a guttural scream followed next.

Suddenly Jungkook had no control over his actions, he could feel each and every cell of his body shaking violently, his bones rattling to the core. With the next scream he could feel his gut overflowing, which came in the form of vomits, except that there was nothing to really throw out because his stomach was completely empty. He bent his upper body from the bed, a white looking liquid came out of his mouth to be splashed across the glossy tiles.

He didn't reckon when the woman had woken up and when she was shouting at him, asking what was wrong, perhaps she was as afraid as him, or less because right that second none could feel one morsel of what Jungkook was feeling. He couldn't put a label on the whirlwind of his emotions, he wouldn't be able to. The room looked whiter, paler than it was before. He only came to when he noticed Diana was shaking him violently.

"What's wrong? Jungkook?" Her eyes were about to bulge out of the sockets. By then Jungkook was taking short breaths with his gaping mouth, trying to calm himself down and go through everything that had happened since the time he was awake.

He went to a convenience store, Diana pulled up with her car and took him to somewhere, where exactly was it? Somewhere in Gangnam, an apartment complex, and she gave him coffee, and-

Jungkook looked up at her frightened face in disbelief, his breathing still haphazard. For a short second, everything felt as silent as a stilled picture. Jungkook didn't know if it was day or night outside, but he could hear the howling gales of a blizzard.

She drugged him, Diana drugged him and, she possibly got physically intimate with him.

They had... they had sex.

He couldn't believe it. Visions shrouded his brain, he wasn't completely out of it when drugged, he did have a small sense of what was happening but he didn't have any control over the environment or himself.

"Get off me!" He shrieked, so loudly and furiously that Diana jumped a few steps back and watched him as if he was a monstrous creature, albeit, who was really the monster here?

She had an aghast expression on. Jungkook could barely stare back at her, his chest was heaving up and down rapidly, the horror of it still processing in his brain, he didn't want to think about it but he couldn't stop. The images of Diana on top of him-

Or was it Mrs. Noh?

Why did he suddenly think of Mrs. Noh? Snippets filled in his empty brain again, the empty shell of a brain that didn't have any recollection of his childhood happenings, now reproduced them as if a Pandora's box had opened up somewhere deep within.

He liked bread, and Mrs. Noh often took him to her personal room in the orphanage to give him his favourite kind of breads, and tell him tales, stories he didn't particularly like, about boys and girls and what they did when they fell in love.

And when he would be sitting on her lap in her mucky, shady room that was devoid of sunlight in the basement of the orphanage, her hands would go down to the area where he didn't like anyone touching, it made him feel uncomfortable and shy but she would tell him he was the best boy in the world and she had none but him.

It was static, the world had perhaps dissolved into particles of dust after an apocalypse, Jungkook wouldn't know, he was lost in the myriad of his newfound memories and suddenly everything came down to a blur.

He started to sob, really hard.

He couldn't control the tears that sprung out of his eyes, a wailing followed. Who knew if the other woman was shaken up to witness his lamentations. Perhaps she was because he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly, patting him while uttering soft words. Nothing mattered anymore. He was utterly disgusted, revolted, scared, and everything in between.

Everything made sense. He always wondered why he was so different, why the female species traumatised him, why there was a block in the lanes of his memories.

"Please don't touch me," he could barely say in between his sobs and stifles. He couldn't even clearly see her face in the blur.

"I thought you would like it, we often did roleplays and talked about scenarios, didn't we?" She started to speak softly, though she removed her touch from him.

Jungkook could make out only bits of her discussion. And when he couldn't sober up and started shaking again and threw up twice, she brought an injection and put him to sleep.

Apparently she was married to a doctor and they separated a year ago. Since then she had had a few lovers but none enticed her as much as Jungkook, though this was their first time meeting officially, Diana had been to his dorm before but never managed to meet up with him. She did try making several invitations before, those ultimately got ignored.

Even though there was a little age gap, Jungkook meant a lot to her, he was the best thing that had happened to her and she had none other.

There was a lot she tried to convey before he completely fell into the darkness, though Jungkook could make certain bits out.

It didn't soothe Jungkook, but terrified him.

He wished he would wake up in his dorm room with his memories lost again.


	32. Chapter 32

Like a blackhole that sucked in everything in whole, Jungkook's inner self had swallowed him wholly. He was residing in his thoughts, drowning in them and at the same time, he was completely detached from them.

It was a spiral down here and Jungkook felt himself falling in it for a while, and at the end as he reached the bottom of the whirlpool deep down below, which turned out to be an oblivion— never ending, he was stuck there.

The first day the truth crashed down onto him, it him hard and tough, but it wasn't an avalanche that had fallen, but a blizzard. The storm kept brewing within him.

He couldn't remember what his reactions were after the glimpses of the memories showed up, he knew he threw up, sobbed and cried, and screamed, perhaps. Now it was going exactly the same way, he couldn't tell properly if it was yesterday when he had found himself confined in a spacious bedroom with a king sized bed, a kind of bed he had never laid on before, an AC that worked properly, a yellow lamp on the bedside table, and the grey coated walls. A woman with long black hair, Diana, he couldn't even look at her properly.

Every time she'd enter he would feel the shivers in his hands, his stomach reeling inwards, and his gut wanting to be overflowed and his head dizzy. Panic would rise and it would be so evident that Diana would back away.

She would give him food, which he didn't touch the first times, he didn't know how many meals that was but then he grew too weak and he ate a little anyway.

She also gave him medicine that he didn't take at first, but there was a very very panicked state, when he felt like crying and screaming until his throat would give in, but he couldn't shed a single tear and he felt so devastated that he wanted to drown himself in something. The thought terrified him. He then took the white rounded pill and after a while it made him dizzy. He slept like a log, didn't awoke for many hours. At least the memories didn't snap out of him in the blackout.

Diana tried to talk to him, touch him, in a friendly way, but didn't he go through this before as well? Friendly touches, soothing words and actions of affection, it terrorized him. He would start to breath rapidly again and Diana would leave.

She did tell him that the first time he cried for hours, he was uncontrollable and raging, in that state he got up and started looking for something. Diana didn't know what but Jungkook managed to run towards the kitchen, he found a knife and Diana was afraid for her life, but he tried to cut himself with that.

Something would've definitely happened if Diana didn't struggle to stop him. The boy didn't know if this was true, but it could be, because when his memory would start to dig up by themselves, or he'd realize he really lived all his life with that scar, or by nothing, simply sometimes none of that would come up, he would feel angsty for no reason and it would feel like his head would combust, and he would die to strangle himself, drown, or do something.

He would take the pills then.

It killed him even more inside. Because no matter what, he still ate, he still went to the toilet by the bedroom when he needed to, he took the pills when the apprehensions grew too big. Though he would live through all that in a daze.

Jungkook had found himself stuck in a maze and he didn't care and cared a lot at the same time.

The room's door would be locked most of the time when Diana would go out. She most possibly had a mediocre job of nine to five, it definitely paid well to rent this apartment in Gangnam.

Gangnam, Jungkook remembered where he was. His head had started to hurt again, he felt tired and exhausted.

How long had he been here? There wasn't a clock in the room, it was poorly furnished but was it always like that?

Did Diana lock the door because in a frenzy Jungkook could try to harm himself again? Did she take away all the furniture on that same thought?

Or was it all to keep him in? Was it so he wouldn't escape?

Panic started to rise again.

His hands were clammy with sweat. The door wasn't lock now, it was probably night and Diana was probably at home. The thoughts started to churn inside of him but rather than the ruminations involving Mrs Noh, his profession as a camboy, or what Diana did to him that day, something else was occuring. Rather than feeling ashamed, revolted, repulsed at himself, Jungkook thought and thought,

How long had he really been in here?

Why did he never get up to go out the door anyway? It was within his reach.

But if he tried to, he'd see Diana and even a glimpse of her, or her voice would reach down to his other side of the brain and the other thoughts would start clawing at him. Sometimes he really cried so hard he couldn't remember anything. It might have been scary because even she was avoiding him.

Jungkook looked at the bedside table and saw two of those round pills lying there, meant that he hadn't touched them in the morning, the evening one too, yet.

How long had he been here?

He could barely incline his head from the bed but for the first time, he turned his head around to take it in clearly. He was wearing a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, he didn't know if this was the attire he arrived wearing at first. A closet at one corner of the room laid with its doors gaping, and he noticed men's clothing hanging there.

That was merely it. But he must've stayed here for longer.

How come he couldn't properly remember what he did in this room? Snippets of him sleeping, eating, Diana trying to visit arose, nothing else.

It was the same all over again.

He couldn't remember his past and lived all his twenty one year of life like that, and he thought, once he had thought, that someday he would grow old and wouldn't be able to recall one single thing.

Because rather than being a participant in his own life, he was always observing.

He had that thought in the dorm. The dorm, shouldn't he be there?

His throat was parched, the inside of his mouth dry, and he could feel sweats in form of beads showing up on his forehead under his bangs, even though the AC was working fine, and he could hear a faint voice of Diana from the living room, probably speaking on a phone.

God, why was he like that? Why was he living like that?

His breathing pattern started to be haphazard again.

Why did he keep forgetting bits of his life? Why did time always went by so fast yet so slow to him?

Why was everyone so cruel to him?

Why he was so cruel to himself?

Then, it occured to him.

That all his life he was running, running from the past, running from everything. Indulging himself in game-plays at home, practicing hard until sweat dropped off from his forehead to toe when at university, serving his clients when it was time for the job and when he needed money.

Even though he lived in solitude, there was no time for himself. He made sure there was no scope where he could sit with himself and make amends with his past or present.

He couldn't bring a closure to it because he didn't even open his wounds.

He was a busybody, and he was a nobody. He didn't even know himself. All his life felt like a terrible lie.

Jungkook could barely see the grey coats of painting on the colossal walls of the room, dots appeared in his vision. The thoughts were killing him, yet again, but they were different this time.

He looked at his side and the pills and a clear glass of water stared back at him.

Jungkook was tired of living in a trance, all his life.

With all his willpower and might he sat up instead, his coarse fingers brushed off the luster of sweat on his forehead and hair sticking on its surface. He grabbed on the edge of the king-sized bed next and closed his leaden eyes, for a moment, and he tried to listen to Diana's voice from the living room.

Though it was almost inaudible, and came in murmurs, he could hear bits and pieces of it.

"I still haven't received all the money from the alimony," her voice rose, spoken through gritting teeth, or so Jungkook could imagine. And he flinched a little.

His head felt too heavy on his shoulders, he sat hunched and listened closely.

"Yeah, yes. I'm over you!" The words came closer now, reverberating through the walls.

"I have a boyfriend, god damn it! We live together."

Jungkook's back straightened up, he almost shot up from his position.

"He's sick a bit, at this moment. So you can't-"

It was inaudible again, as if she was moving around the room. Murmurs and whispers filled in. Jungkook asked himself where his own phone was, then he remembered that he didn't take it with him when going outside, but when was that anyway.

"Yeah, I'm going to the shower now. I better receive a message from the bank when I get back," she said. More sounds of footsteps and shuffling around filled in. Jungkook didn't know if he should pretend to sleep or fall on the bed again.

The door to his room was half closed, thankfully it didn't open up. After a few seconds, the sounds died down. Jungkook stood up on his bare feet and almost toppled down again with the crushing weight on his shoulder.

For the first time in his life, he felt like he was really there at that moment. He wasn't in a dream. But it scared him to leave the room, he didn't know why. Nerves started jangling inside of him, a cacophony of white noises banging around his ears. He felt like throwing up, again.

What was he supposed to do now anyway?

The living room was carpeted, and it didn't make one sound when he slowly meandered across it. He saw the red couches and the gigantic TV, he remembered those. At least, there were some things he could remember.

The apartment was big and he already felt lost here, as if he was too small to be in this place. His heart was thumping inside his ribcage, the sound so loud that he could hear it. The sound of the shower on from the other bathroom also brushed against his ear.

In his panicked vision he saw a landline telephone stuck to one of the walls of the living room, probably worked as an intercom for the apartment but could it make other calls too? Suddenly he felt like he could finally breath oxygen as he ran toward it and picked up the phone to his ear. A distant sound started humming and he stood there, the three sounds in the room loud.

Who was he going to call?

Did anyone care?

Would anyone know if disappeared forever? If he died in a ditch somewhere.

Jungkook was starting to feel suffocated. The black dots again appearing before his eyes, the sounds of his beating heart, the shower, and the sound of the landline were too loud for him to adapt. His mouth was bitter, and his brain was slowly reaching a delirium.

Perhaps it was better if he didn't try anymore.

Try breathing, eating, running away, anything. Perhaps he could store those white pills and take them all together, maybe then, it would all stop for good. Because all this running was getting him nowhere.

Maybe it was time to quit the show he was watching.

There wasn't one situation he felt was memorable in his life, not one valuable lesson, or anything. He put the phone back to its place, almost calmly, though his hands were trembling a little.

No one would remember him.

Maybe the boys, for once he would steal their clothes, that was fun at least. He didn't have much back then. He hadn't properly started the cam business back then yet, and was only growing. He wished he could go back there and restart somewhere, but with a different approach. It was all a big, cluttering, mess now.

Wait, the boys. The dorm.

He picked up the phone in a rush. Taehyung, maybe at least he would wonder about Jungkook's whereabouts.

There were also Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok, Jin and Yoongi. Maybe they'd have a thought about him, maybe they'd wonder a little.

His fingers hovered around the dialpad, his heartbeat so harsh that it was overlapping all the other sounds. He remembered Taehyung's number. Because at first he didn't have it saved on his contacts, and that number would keep showing up on his screen because that blue haired prick would call him from the social science cafeteria almost everyday, just so he'd join him and Jimin.

Tears welled up in his vision, suddenly Jungkook was missing him, missing everything. Even Jin's nagging, or Namjoon taking too much time in the toilet, or Hoseok talking too loudly, Jimin talking too quietly, and Yoongi almost dozing off in the engineering cafeteria with a book in front of him in every lunch hour.

He missed his small room, his messy little bed, the thin white walls and the smell of the kitchen, the sound of the rain outside and the landlord's occasional old songs, the lawn across the dorm, and everything.

What else did he remember? He tried to smother his cries and think, 7th floor, Dogok dong building, Gangnam. What was the apartment name? 35-B or, 35-C.

The other end picked up the call. "Hello." The sound was distorted, the network connection was bad. Jungkook clung to the phone for his dear life, he knew the deep voice had to belong to Taehyung.

He finally let out a choked up sob. "Hyung! Please don't hang up, i-it's me. I'm Jungkook, please save me."


	33. Chapter 33

When the call had cut off, Jungkook wasn't sure if he was able to get his point across. He called out his hyungs' names a few times but only a distorted noise followed, he was about to bang the phone back to its place when a creaking sound interrupted him.

He realized the sound of the shower was no more on and his heart started to beat erratically again. He practically ran back to the room he was situated before and closed the door off. He locked it from the inside, locking himself in too.

Did they hear him? He could scarcely manage to tell them the address, but he wasn't sure if it was really 35-C of the apartment, or if they really heard it because the cacophony of the noise interruption made every sound disoriented. Did they really hear him?

Would they come?

The adrenaline rush had made his blood hot and pumping in his vein, in those few seconds of the phone call he had spent almost every bit of his energy and now he was feeling nauseated. He slid off, crumpling to his knees, his back against the closed door and he leaned on it, taking in deep breaths, allowing the oxygen to fill in his suffocated lungs.

Something felt like it was stuck in Jungkook's throat and he wanted to cry again, for what this time he didn't know. He was exhausted and he knew breaking down would make him more jaded but the volcano enraged within him for no reason at all. There was so much pain, so much suffering that he couldn't handle. His head was overfilled with many thoughts and nothing at the same time.

Would they really send help?

He was sure he had heard Namjoon tell someone to call emergency.

But did it matter? Was Jungkook ever going to be okay?

Was it better to just let himself fall?

He couldn't move an inch from the spot and seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into an hour, yet it felt like a decade had passed, and now Jungkook was contemplating if whatever happened in the phone call did happen for real because his memory had surely failed him over the years.

All this time his eyes laid fixated on the two white pills laying helplessly on the bedside table a few feet away.

A sound on the door brought him out of the dazed state. Someone was turning on the knob, and that someone was Diana, it had to be her.

"Jungkook?" Her velvety voice boomed through the wooden door, making him flinch. "Did you lock the door?" She sounded hesitant, and curious, and surprised, a mixture of all three.

Jungkook sat silently, and he bought his knees close to his chest, hugging them with his bony hands. His heart had started to race again and he tried to calm his breathing.

"Could you open? I brought dinner," she said next. "Did you take the medicine?"

Jungkook tried to pay no heed but each note of her voice made his stomach churn, he felt sick and his arm grew tighter around his legs.

Did anything matter at all?

"Jungkook, I-" Diana trailed off, sighing. "Maybe we could talk. You have been ill for some time, those sleeping pills were prescribed by my ex-husband. If you're feeling better today, we could sit down and talk?"

He stayed quiet.

"Please?" She implored and was about to say more when a sound rang inside the house, the melody of a doorbell.

The tone of it made Jungkook startle harshly, sent his organs to a panic. He heard the sound of the quick footsteps of Diana, fading away with her approaching the door and another ring followed, and then another.

He turned his head around and tried to follow what could be going on. He heard an incoherent voice of Diana, probably talking to the intercom, he couldn't make out what.

Then came the real storm. Banging sounds nonstop, and so loud that adrenaline rushed through his veins again like the jolts of electricity. Jungkook stood up.

He didn't realize when his arms had started to shake violently, a buzzing sound wrapped around his head. Suddenly the walls were warping. He felt the coldness of the metal when he placed his hand on the doorknob but he couldn't make it reel, more like he couldn't bring himself to. He just couldn't open the door.

The banging sound had probably died down. Jungkook didn't know because he was merely there, all together, with his trembling hand on the doorknob.

Why would they come?

Did he really matter?

"Jungkook!" A voice shouted, male, infuriated, and agitated. "I am sure he is in there!"

"Stay away lady! I swear if you touch me with those hands," another male voice screamed in high pitch. Jungkook had hastily opened the door then.

His eyes fell on Namjoon first who was holding onto the knob from the other side, then Jin, that woman in red sweater, Yoongi in the middle of Jin and her, his hands keeping them away.

Two security guards stomped inside hurriedly in mere seconds, Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok trying to scamper across them. "We couldn't keep them away!" Hoseok shouted, his lanky arms trying to hold back one of the buff guards in the uniform.

"Sir, you're invading the privacy of our tenant-"

"We called the police and they will be here any second," Namjoon spoke loudly, his voice confident, eyes quickly glancing from Jungkook then to the guards.

"Jungkook!" Taehyung was the first to allude his name, but his eyes were wide and incredulous, staring at Jungkook as if he couldn't recognise him.

They were really here?

The rush left Jungkook, his body limp and the gravity pulling him towards the floor, his eyes rolled at the back of his head and he could sense Jin lunging towards him and catching him by his arms after letting out a shout of alarm. The ceiling was twisting and looked funny almost, everything spinning and it felt like he was the sun. As if the earth was orbiting around him.

Was the sun an observer or a participant?

Jungkook thought his conscience would sleep away, that he would faint in Jin's hold, but he remained there, and even a question arose in him, asking himself just how he managed to fit in Jin's arms so easily, like he was a small person, a little child.

Next thing happened in snippets, like camera flashing and the pictures changing with each snap.

The nonstop siren sounds blared in his head when he found himself in a moving car, probably an ambulance, a guy in a mask fixing something on him, and he felt like the car wasn't actually running, but floating in the air.

He wouldn't be thinking it was all so very real if he didn't feel so cold. Only his hands were warm, Jin was holding them tightly in his. Another person was beside him, the blue hair spoke aloud who it was. Taehyung was peering at his features but he couldn't read his expression this time.

Jungkook was indeed very tired. He couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. For once, the whirlwinds of his thoughts really stopped.

Jungkook liked to believe he was somewhere safe. But no place felt safe anymore. Even in the remnant of his slipping conscience, he felt a tinge of fear residing within.

He would surely like to think he was in his mom's womb, but he had never seen her and he didn't know how she looked like. He didn't know it too if he'd feel safe around her if she was alive.

Why give birth to someone if their whole life would only be a perpetual saga of suffering, anyway.


	34. Chapter 34

"Can you hear me?" Hoseok's voice was mellow and felt as if it was coming from a faraway and empty place. It took a few moments for Jungkook to adjust to the light before he gave a slow nod. "Good!" Hoseok smiled brightly at him and took a step back, disappearing from his vision. Jungkook blinked a few times, his head empty and light.

He got up, his muscles crushing and pulling, and everything was dizzy a bit. Then Namjoon quickly held him and he sat on the hospital bed, trying to collect himself. It was indeed a hospital. He was in a room with an IV drip attached to him, the indigo curtains were drawn thus he couldn't tell if it was day or night. The other boys were clustered around in the room with him and they stood up but didn't crowd around him.

"Hey," Jimin acknowledged Jungkook first, his voice meek like always, his face a bit pale.

"We were really worried for you," Taehyung said from beside Jimin, his face blank but Jungkook couldn't wipe his aghast expression from the time before.

"You slept only for an hour. You should rest more," Namjoon spoke softly standing close to Jungkook. But Jungkook's eyes were down to his body, a blanket atop him, pajamas, hospital attire, he was clothed, oh thank god.

What really caught his eyes were his hands, they were cadevorous, callous, and filled with scratch marks, his nails were chipped, and ashen, skin so morbidly pale that it didn't feel like he was looking at his own hands. He blinked and stared again.

He did this to himself.

"Jungkook, it's okay. Your health will recover. You're slightly malnutritioned," Jin voiced out, sounding concerned.

"Why did you guys come to get me?" He spoke, his voice hoarse and dry, as if the each syllable were making a cut inside his throat.

Jin's eyes widened in surprise. Jungkook looked around to see the same on everyone. Even Yoongi who never showed much on his face stared at him quizzically.

"I ought to smack some sense onto you," Hoseok clicked his tongue in annoyance, breaking the silent. "Of course, we would come for you. We couldn't just leave it to the police."

Jungkook couldn't believe before that they'd send help. Yet they came themselves.

"Talking about the police, he might have to speak to the officers outside soon," Taehyung made his presence known with his gravelly voice. Jungkook's stomach twisted in trepidation.

He really was half buried, deeply in some quicksand.

Not one place was safe.

"They can come later." Jin let out a small huff of sigh. "Do you guys remember, a year ago when Jimin got admitted to the hospital?"

"Yeah, I came to pick him up. He was there too." Namjoon was still standing by Jungkook as he patted a hand on his shoulder. Jungkook did remember.

"Please!" Jimin cried out, "I don't want to recall such an embarrassing tale."

"It's not a tale, you really screamed at us and a threw a fit," Taehyung mocked.

"He threw his bag at you, Taehyung," Yoongi murmured quietly.

"Yeah, he did," Jin nodded his head in affirmative.

"I didn't know that!" Hoseok shouted while Taehyung made faces at Jimin. "I really missed out on so much drama."

"You guys were gossiping behind my back, what did you expect me to do?" Jimin pressed his lips together.

"It's called a discussion, Jimin," Taehyung counterattacked.

Namjoon was silently shaking in laughter, since his hand was still on Jungkook's shoulder he could feel the tremor echo from the elder, lacing onto his own skin. Jungkook almost smiled even in this situation.

"I think I can talk to the officers now," Jungkook said, in such a low voice he thought no one would hear but everybody immediately stopped and placed their attention on him.

"I should go and tell them to come in then," Namjoon detached his hand and fixed the beanie resting atop his head.

"Yeah, we should all leave too," Hoseok said in a serious tone.

"I want you guys to stay," Jungkook said, his fists gripping onto the blanket. He wasn't ready to face the inquiries, or whatever that was going to bring back everything that had happened in the past days, or his past years.

No place felt safe.

Although these boys, maybe they could make it feel safer.

"Alright." Jin spoke softly and Jungkook could feel the gaunt, restraining muscles in his hands loosening up, he relaxed a bit. While his hands rested on his lap he could feel his legs too, a bit thinner than he could last remember.

Jin hyung said it's going to be okay.

He tried to not fret much on it.

When the two men in casual attires- one a bit younger in a padded jacket, and the other middle aged man in an overcoat entered and sat before him, Jungkook could barely believe they were police officers because they looked so ordinary, but then they showed their badges and pulled out a recorder, a notebook and a pen, Jungkook reckoned how tight and serious their faces were, and how the atmosphere had devolved into an apprehensive one, even the other boys were tensed, he realized, that was it.

He really was going to be investigated.

"How are you feeling?" The older male spoke, his eyes screaming exhaustion and were red around the corners.

Jungkook only shook his head as a yes. His palms was starting to sweat and he could feel his beating heart sinking in the bottom of his stomach.

Would he have to tell them everything?

"Since you're ill, and might not be in the right state to say everything. We need minimum confirmation of what had happened in the course of the last two weeks."

So, it had been two weeks, two long weeks, fourteen days. Jungkook's eyes lost their focus and he could find himself staring in the hallow around somewhere behind the officer.

"We've got the testimony from the culprit." The male gave a curt glance to Namjoon who was standing behind Jungkook and resorted to staring at the younger again. "Your friend had notified us that you were being held captive at her apartment."

"You talked to her?" Her name almost slipped Jungkook's tongue but he wasn't able to say it.

"Yes, Miss Diana Park, she's in the police custody," The younger male spoke for the first time.

"I can't believe the wench got your surname, Jimin," Taehyung commented aloud and was nudged in the shoulder by the said boy, in which Taehyung let out a small yelp of pain.

Giving them both a sharp eye the officer moved to Jungkook again. "We are going to record this conversation for the sake of clarity. First and foremost, could you tell us, if she kidnapped you, where it was and when?"

Jungkook didn't know what the officer suggested with his change of tone on the 'if'. He tried to rummage his brain, trying to process his thoughts and words in a comprehensive form.

"Um, she didn't really force me to go with her," Jungkook stuttered a little.

The two officers gave a knowing look to each other. Jungkook's gut clenched, but he tried to go further back to retrieve more information out of himself anyway.

"It was cold that day, and the snow was falling, I don't remember the date, I do remember that it started to storm later in the evening. I was out of food, so at the afternoon-"

"Wait, you went out in the afternoon, and it stormed in the evening, right?" The younger officer interrupted him as he was writing quickly down on his notebook. He stopped after asking, and looked up to Jungkook's face, then to his hands resting on his lap.

Only then Jungkook noticed that his hands were shaking, nonstop. He was probably sweating too, visibly. Jungkook felt like a bacteria under the microscope, and those two officers peeking down on him.

Then he felt a soft weight on his back, Namjoon's hand, as if assuring him it was okay. Jungkook sucked in a deep breath, and continued, though his voice cracked at the begining.

"Y-yes. I went to buy some food at the seven eleven store down the road. When I got out the store, it was raining snow already. So, I stood there to wait. And a car pulled up. She told me to get in. I thought she would be taking me back to the dorm."

Jungkook's words were starting to jumble up, rushing in and becoming incoherent but then the young officer stopped him again.

"So you two knew each other? From where?"

Again, Jungkook didn't know what he implied with a change of voice and tone. He sat silent for a good second.

"She was my client...," He trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say exactly where.

"Alright." The officer noted down, glancing at the elder cop who gave him a smirk. Jungkook's brows furrowed when the older one dismissively shook his hand in the air and told him to continue.

Jungkook could feel something forming in his throat, making him unable to speak. He felt like he wasn't being taken seriously. The other thought crossed his mind too, that if they had spoken to Diana they must've known everything already.

"Oh, do continue," the older male said again, more eagerly this time.

His eyes didn't look as red as before or maybe it was because Jungkook's vision was becoming shrouded. He couldn't articulate one single word anymore.

Did anything really matter?

"It's okay, Jungkook-ah," Jin said in his soft, mellow voice from behind him. This was the first time he was calling out his name so endearingly, or the first time anyone did, actually.

Since Jin was behind him Jungkook couldn't see his face, but when he looked up, he saw Hoseok in the corner of the room, and he smiled reassuringly at him, as if everything in the world was fine and dandy. Yoongi sat beside him and only nodded a little, that too, seemed like a pat on the back, like the one coming from Namjoon.

"I got in the car and she drove me to her apartment instead," he continued. The officers were poker-faced, he didn't know what the countenance of the other boys were, or what they were thinking. Jungkook tried not to mull over anything else and he solely focused on telling everything from his viewpoint.

As he spoke, a lot of it didn't make sense to him. Why he followed Diana he couldn't tell, didn't know. He wasn't compelled to, yet he did. He completely brushed off the fact that he was scared of the opposite gender, or his profession. Leaving those aside, he merely told as much as he could, or as much his brain and mouth allowed him to.

Which included the parts of Diana drugging him using coffee, him waking up to realize she had gotten physical with him when he was out of his conscience, and that he was ill and out of it for the consequent next days. He told them about the white rounded pills and the closed door as well.

It was eerily silent when he stopped talking, the air inside the room constricting and tumultuous. Jungkook couldn't look up and his vapid gaze laid on his scrawny hands, intermingled together on his blanketed lap. The tremors had stopped in him.

One of the officers cleared his throat. "So." It was the older one. "You're telling me she had sex with you, while you were unconscious?"

Jungkook's locked hands grew tighter on each other, a muscle ticked in his jaw. The truth was, he was trying really hard not to crumble down. He was trying to hold himself together. He knew his ears were crimson in blood, steam coming out of them.

He was ashamed, so embarrassed, should he be?

"She said that you might have suggested the idea before," the other male said and let out a small cough, faking it clearly. "You know, in one of your sessions."

"She raped him, sir," Namjoon enunciated, the words strong and bold.

It was silent for a few moments until Jungkook heard a sound, and he almost couldn't believe it, but it was the sound of a cackle, coming from the cop in the overcoat.

"A woman raping a male, do you realize how absurd you sound?" He said indignantly. "To add with it too that they have some form of relationship going on before."

"It's you who sound atrocious," Namjoon scoffed. "With all due respect, having sex without consent, isn't even sex, it's rape, and it doesn't matter whatever relationship they had, whatever the gender of the victim was. Jungkook is the victim here."

Jungkook couldn't believe his ears, he was heaving low and deep as he could feel Namjoon's words and the gravity behind those very words bounce in the walls of his head.

"She not only drugged him, and raped him," Jin spoke next, having a hard time pronouncing the word rape but not finding a substitute, he went for it anyway, "She also gave him medicine regularly that disabled him from thinking clearly, kept him asleep, fed him poorly, made him sick." Jin's voice kept raising with each syllable. "She held him in her apartment, against his will for fourteen freaking days!" It ended with a shout.

"She also stalked him in the dorm late at night," Yoongi retorted from the corner, his voice loud enough for the officers to turn back and everyone else too shifting their gaze on him.

"Yeah," Hoseok said next to him, nodding, his demeanor grave. "We both saw it. I'm sure the landlord witnessed it too from the second floor."

"She had no right do any of those, despite having whatever relationship she had with him," Namjoon spoke from Jungkook's back, his voice confident.

Even Jungkook could feel it within him. He did nothing wrong, he was the victim here. Finally he lifted his eyes to see the officers glancing around the boys with an awestruck expression on.

"Listen." The one in the overcoat exhaled an exasperated sigh. "I'm sure none of you are getting what happened here."

"We know, we heard him loud and clear." Taehyung took a step forward, all this time he and Jimin were leaning against a wall. "Shouldn't you always believe the victim first before any sustainable proof comes out?"

"Y-yeah." Jimin advanced too, with his chest raised a bit high, and his small hands made into balls by his sides. "Since you're law enforcers shouldn't you know that, at least?"

"God!" The younger cop exclaimed and the two officers exchanged a glance next.

The elder one ran a hand on his forehead, massaged his temple, all along tapping a foot against the tiled floor.

Until he gave in, sighed and got up, the other following. "We will talk later for the charge sheet, and a proper testimony," he said fixing his overcoat as he inspected Jungkook's face looking up at him. "From the victim," he added up.

When they stepped outside, the temperature in the room immediately got warmer. Jimin and Taehyung breathed a deep sigh of relief, Hoseok got up and stretched his arms, Yoongi stayed seated there, Namjoon patted Jungkook's back and Jin told him he did great.

Jungkook felt himself deflating in the sitting position, finally he could breath in and out properly. Ruminations didn't visit him, he didn't overthink about how it went. Instead he looked around the boys' faces.

He felt at home.

"Gosh, that was so tense!" Taehyung shouted in ecstasy. "Like boom! Then bam! I think this was the most dramatic event in my life, like, I'd reached a big climax of my life!"

"Yeah," Jimin nodded. "I almost thought I'd have a mini heart attack when we were in the taxi going to Gangnam. And when we had the argument with the guards at level zero, and we held them back so Namjoon, Jin and Yoongi could go up, gosh, I can't even-" he abruptly stopped, placing a hand on the left side of his chest. "Yoongi hyung was so calm. But I couldn't believe Hoseok hyung was this calm as well."

He glanced at Hoseok, Jin chimed in. "Yeah, doesn't he freak out over a mere coackroach? I was surprised too."

"I don't react properly to proper incidents, more like I can't." Hoseok's face cracked up in the biggest smile, as if he was telling the most gleeful secret of his.

Jungkook was just glad none of them questioned him further, or commented on anything from before. He was enjoying this conversation because it made him feel normal, like nothing had happened and that everything was fine.

"You could call your parents if you want, or any relative to tell them about the situation." Jin gently placed a hand on his hunched up shoulder and said.

"You guys too. This was a lot, I'm sure every one of us is shocked." Namjoon announced, his eyes lingering on Taehyung and Jimin for longer.

"I'm fine." Taehyung shrugged with his shoulder and looked at Jimin. "What about you?"

"I don't have a family who would care enough for this," Jimin replied a bit reluctantly. Jungkook froze up for a second and then heard his next words.

"I mean, my parents separated a while back. Now they have their own families and I'm kind of a lone sheep, on my own."

"You never told me that," Taehyung said, his expression sad, almost.

"I didn't have the chance to. Plus it's nothing to tell about. It doesn't even define me. It's just a small part of my life, I think." Jimin said, albeit looking a bit confused at his own words. Jungkook loosened up.

"You have us," Jin commented. "We all have each other." He glanced around everyone's features. "I'm sure we will be fine, together."

"That's wise, hyung," Taehyung said playfully and Jungkook could almost see Jin rolling his eyes at the blue haired boy from his back.

"Thank you, hyung." Jimin smiled, as soon as that, his phone started to ring loudly. He pulled it out from his pocket and after checking the caller ID, ran from the room leaving them behind.

Taehyung crossed his arms over his chest. "Apparently, he has Sangah as well, who cares enough."

"Sigh," Hoseok drawled on the word with a loud exhale. "I'm the only one who's never gonna have this kind of intimacy."

Right then, a male nurse opened the door to the room a little and peeped in. "Is there any Jung Hoseok here?" He asked.

The boys looked at each other before they went back to Hoseok who slowly raised his hand high.

"A Serim is here for you, sir," he announced before disappearing behind the closed door.

"Apparently," Jin commenced, his word taunting.

"Someone else has someone too," Taehyung completed for Jin.

After showing them a look of guilt, Hoseok sauntered off the room. Only Taehyung, Yoongi, Jin and Namjoon were left. Finally they huddled in together around Jungkook.

"You should get rest," Taehyung told him. "Man, you looked so different at first, I almost couldn't recognize you. You need to gain your strength back."

"Yeah, go to sleep, Jungkook-ah," Jin said next, his voice as soft as a fresh pillow. Jungkook was suddenly missing the softness of a pillow again his head. Hence he slid off, and laid on the bed, the rest watched him do so.

"We should buy some food," Namjoon said, Jungkook heard with his eyes closed.

"I could cook some nutritious meals for him," Jin said in a hushed tone.

"Wouldn't the hospital give him food?" Taehyung retorted curiously.

"The rest of us need food too. We need to look after him," Yoongi voiced out.

"We can take turns." Namjoon's voice was distant this time, flying off and growing weaker as Jungkook found himself following the spiral within him deep down, and falling, and falling.

And knowing, he would get himself up from that soon.

He didn't know if everything would be okay, or not once he'd open his eyes again. For now, he didn't want to think about it.


	35. Chapter 35

THEY were sitting on the beach and the westering sun was hanging low in the far blue yonder, blushing crimson red. The sky took hues of orange and the mellow breeze hit their faces, playing with their already tousled hair.

Jin let out a small sigh, stirring up the old and pointless conversation that had died a few minutes ago. "What do you guys think about the new name of our dorm?" He brought in a new topic.

Taehyung showed enthusiasm first as he laughed, his trousered legs sprawled across the sandy beach. "I'm glad the landlord changed it. The last name was so corny."

"I actually thought it wasn't bad. Bulletproof boys, there's something about it," Namjoon spoke, his eyes fixated on the shore where the sea tried to reach and held herself back again.

"Beyond the scene doesn't really suit for a boys' housing," Jimin said fixing the big round glasses on his small face. At noon the weather was hot, the sun scalding, and the breeze was blistering. They had made the mistake of coming by the beach too early and by then Jimin's migraine was triggered. It was slowly diminishing now.

"Yeah," Hoseok chimed in, "It feels more like an idol group's name?" He stated in a questioning manner and looked to his side to see the boy's reaction.

Yoongi chuckled.

His laughter vanished as soon as it came, just like the spring in the middle of winter and summer. Transient, yet the effect everlasting. No one had ever seen him smile before and every one of the boys stared at him for a good few seconds until Yoongi deflated in his position, making him look smaller than he was, and asked why.

"I have never seen you laugh, hyung." Jungkook's doe eyes were still on him, his fringes long and hiding them almost, but the dying spark was still there. Even in this weather, he was wearing a dark hoodie and a pair of black sweatpants. The blushing sun painted his pale face in golden hues.

"He has before," Hoseok chirped. "In my dreams!"

"You dream about him?" Taehyung asked in a playful tone, a smirk showing up on his face.

"I dream about you all," Hoseok's response wiped the smirk away from Taehyung.

So Taehyung just ran a hand under his locks and turned to Jungkook by his side. His blue hair was dyed to black, was his natural hair color and they had grown longer in curly wisps that fell all over his face.

"Are you feeling better?" He nudged an elbow to his side, softly poking on Jungkook's waist.

The hooded boy had his knees close to his chest, and his hands holding them in a circle. Jungkook gave him a puzzling look before answering, "Yeah. When am I not?"

"It's been a while since you've gone out after all." Taehyung turned his gaze to Jimin by his other side who shrugged his shoulders.

"I like staying indoors. I'm enjoying this big ass vacation," Jungkook said, his voice flat. Nobody could guess if he was irritated or not, everyone had their ears perked up anyway. They all tried to be really subtle and gentle with him, though Taehyung often handled things differently and was quite straightforward in asking him things.

"You can take more time off university. Dropping a year is no big deal," Jin said carefully for he was the one that was most evident in Jungkook's 'indoor' life now, along with Namjoon. Because Namjoon was done with his bachelor's degree and stayed at the dorm more often than others, Jin too was reeling towards the end of his master's degree.

He had seen Jungkook wrapped up in himself, and he had seen the attacks, the vague ways of Jungkook trying to hide it too.

"I need to participate more, though, my therapist told me to take one step at a time," Jungkook said casually. He didn't really bring up much about the therapy, ever. He tried to be nonchalant about it when he did.

"You should," Namjoon said. "You should take things slowly. There is no rush. It's your life, and no matter how long it takes to do something you're still going forward. And that's a lot."

"I just don't know how to take things slowly." Jungkook's voice was incoherent but everyone made it out.

Before anyone could say anything he spoke again, "Yoongi hyung, please do help me find a good part-time job."

Yoongi nodded in response, he had a few ideas for Jungkook always at the back of his mind. Any job environment that didn't involve females in it.

"You're going to get better with therapy, Jungkook. I did. And I'm going to get it again if things go out of hand," Hoseok spoke abruptly. The calming water gliding along the shores and the seagulls clamoring somewhere far ahead could only be heard next.

Taehyung cut the silence first. "You never said anything about therapy before, hyung."

Hoseok had a soft smile on his face, his eyes glimmering and gazing upon the beach, hands on the sand behind his back and he was leaning on them lazily. "You know now. I have a problem controlling myself, I guess you guys have noticed that."

No one said anything. Only Jimin commented in a low voice that he did.

"My girlfriend didn't know either. I told her about it, and she accepted me. I don't know how far we can go with my problem and all, but I'll try my best. That's why I'll seek therapy again if things start to go downhill with me." 

After Hoseok was finished, the boys stayed quiet to see if he'd say more. When he didn't, Jimin said something, this time in a higher voice. "I am sure you can do it, hyung. You will be able to. My girlfriend knows Serim noona, and she's always telling me how you two are the bestest match."

"Really?" Hoseok's eyes sparkled with curiosity. "How does Sangah know her?"

"She's in one of those clubs with her you know, I am not sure. I think it's the photography club or-"

"I surely feel single as hell in this conversation," Taehyung voiced out aloud. "I mean, I'm still sexually confused and I see my friends being couples and gushing about it, all the damn time."

"Don't spill that crap again," Jimin sneered at his friend. "I barely bring her up before you."

"You two are always before my eyes in the university," Taehyung spoke matter-of-factly and Jimin quieted down.

"A lot of us have those sexually confused states. It may feel like it will last forever, even if it does, it's okay. You can never fully find yourself and that's life. You can keep searching, though, you'll keep finding more questions only. And that's life too, I guess," Jin rambled on, and when he noticed everyone staring at him peculiarly, he stopped. He looked down on his pink sleeved sweater and fumbled with the hem of it.

"Does having an existential crisis every single day work the same way?" Jungkook asked, his voice hinting a piqued interest.

Jin thought to himself a little, looking at the innocent eyes of the younger boy. "Yeah, I guess," he finally answered.

"You just, never stop running, even if it hurts," Yoongi murmured in a low tone.

"But it's okay to take a break once in a while, or run really slow," Namjoon added.

The conversation died down again. It was a comfortable silence, everyone just enjoyed being with another.

"I'm going out of the country to get my master's degree, probably at the end of the summer," Namjoon suddenly said. That brought a wave of shock to the boys but none of them commented anything right away.

"Where to?" Jin asked.

"England," Namjoon answered and Taehyung blew a whistle with that.

"Don't surprise me by saying it's the Oxford university or anything."

When Namjoon didn't say anything, he whistled again, louder this time. "That is so cool!"

"England is an amazing place," Jin said smiling from ear to ear.

"Have you been there before?" Namjoon asked and Jin nodded.

"During a vacation, when I was young."

"It must be nice to be rich," Hoseok retorted jokingly.

Jin shrugged with his wide shoulders, in a manner that he didn't know the truth about the statement. "It's confusing for me. Here my master's course is coming to an end, and I don't know what I'm going to do next. Maybe I want to take a break and shape myself more. Take things slowly."

After that, he turned to Namjoon. "Don't forget about us."

"I can never." Namjoon let out a shy fit of laughter. "I will keep in contact with you guys."

"Good luck to you, hyung," Jimin said. "And Yoongi hyung too."

"What about Yoongi hyung?" Taehyung asked with his eyebrow raised.

Yoongi shook his head to the sides, dismissing it. "It's nothing, actually. I got an internship in a small music label. As one of their lyricist. I was going for the producer role..."

An outburst of joyful remarks erupted. "Congratulations, I knew you'd do big, sunshine!" Hoseok almost screamed, and Yoongi's pale face hung even lower from his shoulder as if he wanted to vanish from the face of the earth, or the beach for instance.

"With Jungkook's lawsuit reaching the grand finale, and all this news. Boy, today is a royal day," Taehyung beamed happily but the rapture was gone from there instantly.

Jungkook's lawsuit wasn't going the best. The case blowing up meant farewell to Jungkook's future for his past, nor did Diana want anyone to know as she held a 'respectable' place in the society. Jungkook's testimony was filled with loopholes when Diana seemingly filled in every gap, but somehow it all favored her direction.

In the end, the best thing to do was for Jungkook to meet Diana with his lawyer and come to a conclusion, make amends between both parties.

But Jungkook couldn't and wouldn't, and no one wanted to force him.

It was okay, to run slow.

Jungkook smiled a little and gave a small nod at the sun's direction. "Yeah, today is a royal day."

The tense atmosphere dissolved with that. In the next few minutes, the boys were in a heated conversation, deciding if they ought to spend the whole night om the beach and have barbeque there, and if they had enough money for that right then, or if the idea would flop because it still got a bit cold during nights.

The sun was dipping down, reaching an aged glow and losing it with every passing second.

But tomorrow morning, the sun would be young again. The choice was the sun's. Even while shackled by the nature, the freedom remained, the glow can never fade away.


	36. REFLECTION, EXPLANATION

The idea came to me through the kdrama age of youth/ hello my twenties but if you've watched that drama you know how vastly different this story is from that. It's the essence I wanted to capture.

People may think youth is such a beautiful, wonderful time of joy, when it's not, most of the time. We go through such difficulties, harsh realities, all of us, that just elude other's eyes.

Each of the members has a story of their own, complex and filled with their own struggles. To the other members it might seem they are fine, because they are only seeing what each member is showing. 

I think that's what also happens in real life. We are all so deep in our own abyss, we think that we are so alone in this. Although, everyone is so vivid and everyone is fighting their own demons, maybe even the person next to you. We just don't know, because we are seeing through a window. Everyone is a main character in their own story/ life.

Till the end even the boys didn't know everything about each other. They became close so they merely shared what they wouldn't usually share. 

Now I'd like to focus on what was going through my mind when I started building the arcs. I started with Jimin, who I thought the readers could relate to the most, then Taehyung who also felt understandable to many readers. As the arcs devolved into another it kept becoming complex, until it ended in Hoseok and Jungkook which blew many away.

I had everyone's story planned except for Hoseok, whom I pondered on for a long while. 

I really wanted to portray more mental illnesses in my stories. I've had suicidal characters and characters with depression, and social anxiety before. (Twelve hours till death, midnight advisor, online crush) 

I wanted to write more. Last year I had a one year course on psychology and started to think this platform needed more stories where we talk about other illnesses. I started with borderline personality disorder because that's what I know a lot about for personal reasons. 

I did more research anyway, and I asked around in my social medias. It was surprising to see that many people didn't know a disorder called BPD existed, many didn't believe in its authenticity, a few said borderline people are scary (they are actually but it's not their fault).

Society calls BPD patients a 'freak'. Even other patients with mental disorders don't like them. I've made Hoseok very 'different' or what some would say, because people have a notion that BPD patients are always so cold, and gloomy, and angry. They can be nice if they try.

BPD is a very real disorder, and is more common than you think. Sadly, it is not popular worldwide in terms yet, like schizophrenia, OCD or other illnesses. Till to this day it often goes misdiagnosed. It is a bit similar to bipolar disorder but they are not the same.

I hope you can look up more into it but I'll give you some information here,

They have extreme mood swings. They feel emotions too much. Has inappropriate anger, sudden outbursts.

Massive impulses and can't control them. Binge eating, impulse buying, wreckless driving, substance abuse, alcohol abuse, harming themselves and a lot. 

Often they're delusional, detached from the reality.

Has extreme fear of abandonment.

Always feeling empty, can't connect to anyone, unstable relationships.

Plethora of other disorders are linked to this. 

There's more. It's not curable but they can get better controlling their emotions with therapy. Often with age it starts to mild down as well.

I also had a tough time with Jungkook's arc. I did a lot of research by myself on camboys, child abuse, and male rape. 

It is saddening but true that male abuse/ rape happens quite often (the predators are usually male, but women also rape men), it's not talked about more. Because men who are raped/ abused are not taken seriously even by the police or psychiatrists (there's been numerous cases like this).

Male victims stay quiet and it grows on them. Often they feel ashamed of themselves because the society portrays men as above all, and rape/ abuse cases bring humiliation to them. Often they feel like they're not 'musculine' anymore by the society's standards.

Children who are sexually abused at a tender age grows up to show symptoms of trauma/ mental illness later. PTSD, social anxiety, conduct disorder, major depressive disorder, a lot could be the cause of child abuse. Some children grow afraid of sex, some become aware of it to the extent that they are hyper-sexualized. Every victim copes with trauma differently. 

A lot of the children are sexually exploited later in their adulthood too. They choose to work in the line of prostitution. Camming is also a part of the profession, in case you're not aware yet.

It was quiet difficult for me to write his arc but this is my small partake in raising awareness.

Let's talk about other trivias now. Jin's ex boyfriend, August Hendrick, I pictured him as a mixture of Troye Sivan and Timothee Chalamet, and I wanted you to know that for no reason.

Also that I literally came up with his name because my birthday is in August, I don't have any other explanation. I just love August.

Namjoon and Jin are hinted to have some type of affection between them, platonic or romantic, whatever YOU, the reader would like to believe.

Namjoon also wants to go around the globe, visit different places and I think he's very similar to August on this aspect. No one noticed this.

Jin and Namjoon both play major parts in each others arcs.

There has been changes throughout the season the whole book, indicating a whole cycle of a year. I don't know if anyone noticed that.

Jimin joined the dorm almost at the end of spring where it showers rain a lot. In Taehyung's arc it rains a whole lot more, indicating a summer that follows to Jin's arc.

In Namjoon's arc it's clearly autumn with multiple references to the maple tree and indicating a coming winter. In Yoongi's arc we skip to winter and throughout the end of his story we see winter taking its final form but at Hoseok's arc the weather seems fine, winter is slowly fading away.

Yet when we find Jungkook at Diana's apartment there's another blizzard, mirroring the one that was there the day he got kidnapped. 

At the last chapter, which also works as an epilogue we see the start of a spring. And a fresh beginning with the dorm's name changing.

There's a fun thing I want to point at, the landlord who lives at the second floor, we never see him in the book. He's just present there, somehow, and he helps all the boys in their arcs, somehow.

He's the one who got Jimin in this cheap yet peaceful dorm where he found his friends. Jimin ended up rooming with Yoongi, whom he could help while Yoongi was having a tough night, thinking really dark thoughts to himself. 

In Taehyung, Namjoon and Hoseok's arcs he's playing old music from the second floor that could help them feel calm. 

He warded off Diana with water when she's there to stalk Jungkook late at night before the dorm. If he didn't call Namjoon to ask about Jungkook's rent it might have taken the boys longer to realize Jungkook was gone.

In Jin's arc he's playing Edith Piaf's "life in pink" which gives Jin an epiphany how he really wants to lead his life. The landlord and him seem to know each other for the longest time.

To me, the landlord is a mysterious creature that somehow knows a lot that's happening with the boys, a floor below him. He's almost like the readers of the book, or so I like to think. 

That is all. If you have a question please ask me.


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